Greetings from Prague! I’m here for a week visiting an old friend and I may jet over to Germany and/or London, too. Hey, when in Rome Europe! I’ve already spotted a place called Vodka Bar, so I feel right at home.

Anyway, my trip overseas was smooth sailing, er, flying except for a small setback when I connected at Heathrow airport in London. And by small, I mean huge. Hugely humiliating. Let me begin.

I try to bring my beloved Tom’s toothpaste with me when I travel so my mouth can stay so fresh and so clean clean, but it is over the 3 oz. limit (frowny face). Well, when I was packing yesterday in a rush (as always), I threw it in my carry-on suitcase without thinking. I got from Atlanta to London just fine (in your face, TSA), but had to go through security again in London and they were extra strict about liquids and gels. I had a bad feeling about my toothpaste and sure enough, they pulled my bag for a check.

After waiting rolling my eyes and tapping my foot impatiently for about 10 minutes (no exaggeration), an agent wearing a turban finally took the time out of his busy, standing-around schedule to check my bag. As soon as he opened it and began taking stuff out, I pulled the toothpaste right out of the top pocket in a “Here, are you happy now?” fashion in hopes this strange man would stop rooting around in my personal belongings. No such luck. He proceeded to take every single item out of my suitcase, most of which were bras and underwear (I packed them last so they went in the carry-on). So that was fun.

Then I saw it: My vibrator. And I went weak in the knees.

Now please let it be known that I don’t usually travel with a vibrator. In fact, I have never traveled with one before, but Kate got me the cutest, little JimmyJane for my birthday and, because A) It’s so compact and B) It really doesn’t look like a vibrator at all, I tossed it in while I was packing. To be honest with you guys, I was thinking of writing a blog entry about “untraditional travel must-haves” and thought it might make the cut, so I wanted to see how it fared overseas.

The man picked it up, looked it over for a few seconds, and placed it in the bin with the toothpaste.

Oh hell no, I thought. If that’s the throwaway bin and he’s planning on tossing my brand new pocket rocket, shit’s going to hit the fan.

After he took every single item out of my suitcase (pink, lacy underthings and all) and laid it out for the world to see (embarrassing enough)…he picked up the vibrator.

I thought, If he asks me what this is, I am going to die right here on the spot.

And then…

“Ma’am what is this?”

I wanted to yell, “You are wearing a turban! I think you’re more of a threat than me and my sex toy!”

I’m sorry, you guys. That was really out of line. But I was feeling irrational.

So I answered simply with all the pride I could muster: “A vibrator.”

He looked slightly confused. I felt a little faint. And then he asked me to turn it on.

And that’s when I actually died.

Okay, that’s an exaggeration, but you guys, I had to TURN IT ON! The memory still haunts me. It buzzed. People stared. I think I saw a few people laugh. He was satisfied and sent me on my way, pocket rocket in hand.

Lesson learned. The vibrator goes in the checked bag from now on.

LYLAS,
Ashley

Comments

  1. ThatGuyRon says:

    Hah, hah, hah…

    Sans the dark skin comment and the Turban, that was brilliant…

    * Enjoy your trip!

    (smile)

    – Ron

    1. HollyBeth Anderson says:

      omg

  2. mickey says:

    Hilarious. Great entertainment during lunch… you always have the funniest travel stories!

  3. Jackie Mask says:

    literally blushing for you and LOLing at my desk.

  4. […] 15. And last but certainly not least…you learn valuable lessons about packing certain items in your carry-on. […]

  5. Melissa says:

    I am DYING laughing!!! I would have done the same thing… Except my verbal filter needs a tune-up, so the turban comment would have totally landed me on a no-fly list ASAP.

  6. bridget says:

    absolutely priceless! Tell Caleb i said hi!

  7. […] trip I just took to Prague and Berlin since you already know about the lowlight of all lowlights regarding my vibrator and a turbaned TSA agent. Don’t give a shit about my trip and/or Europe in general? Fair […]

  8. passerby says:

    LOL, casual racism is SO FUNNY.

    1. ashley says:

      I know, right? It’s this crazy thing called comedy. You know, people like Chelsea Handler, Daniel Tosh, Chris Rock, etc? Are you familiar? It’s not meant for people to take seriously, but sometimes they do!

  9. […] finally did it, stumbled to the first bench to sit down collapse, and a TSA agent came over immediately. Through blurred vision, I spotted my suitcase and reached out with a […]

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