Since I’m currently out of the country (which sounds borderline douchey no matter how you say it), I figured this Friday’s post should be about the joys of traveling.
As always, it’s perfectly acceptable if…
1. You wait until you get to the airport to pick a seat and know that if they try to give you a middle seat, you’re going to have to fake claustrophobia.
2. When you’re in an exit row and they ask, “Are you willing and able to lift 50 pounds (or whatever the door weighs)?” you immediately answer yes, but then think, Wait…can I?
3. You have a secret dream of encountering a hot TSA agent…and him patting you down.
(Not that there has ever been a hot TSA agent. Ever).
4. You’re convinced that whoever invented the “Remove your laptop from your carry-on” rule did it just to be a dick.
5. You walk by the smoking lounge in the airport and think that actually might be what hell looks like.
6. You’re convinced that meeting attractive people of the opposite sex in the airport/on a plane is something Hollywood created to give us hope every time we fly because that shit ONLY happens in the movies.
7. You get upgraded to business class and there’s only one thing on your mind.
8. You’re not in business class and you walk through on your way to coach annoyed and looking at people all judgy like, Why are they in business class?
9. You want to yell, “Does it really f*cking matter if my bag is ALL the way under the GD seat in front of me?!”
10. You wonder when they’re going to drop the whole “Please turn off your phones for safety reasons” act. We know phones don’t interfere with anything, guys. The jig is up.
11. You wish airlines would just suck it up already and put a soundproof baby section in the back of the planes.
12. You fly international and have a serious internal debate: Try to sleep or watch movies? Hunger Games and/or Contraband or not having jetlag when you arrive? Glass of wine and a romantic comedy or glass of wine and an Ambien?
And you always go for the movies.
Okay, and maybe the Ambien.
13. You think it’s interesting that airlines have rules about too-revealing clothing…but no rules regarding halitosis, severe body odor, and food that stinks. Because that is FAR more offensive.
(And to the guy unwrapping a tuna sandwich and chowing down on a jumbo bag of sour cream and onion chips—don’t even think about striking up a conversation.)
14. You get overzealous upon landing and stand. Then you have to awkwardly sit back down because there’s no way you’re getting off the plane anytime soon…and you feel like an asshole standing hunched over.
15. And last but certainly not least…you learn valuable lessons about packing certain items in your carry-on.