Oh, Twitter. You have broken down the walls between celebs and common folk and made people feel like they actually know the stars they idolize. Hooray for that.

I don’t follow many celebs on Twitter because WILDLY enough, many of them (with the exclusion of comedians) don’t have anything interesting and/or intelligent to say (I know…crazy, right?). Plus, bad grammar and cheesy inspirational quotes and musings burn my eyes. But I decided to get in there and see what’s going down in the celeb Twitterverse so I could compile this list of gems. #Enjoy.

1. Kim K. apparently got a cat. One of her followers is first to break the news.

2.
 I get that old people don’t understand technology, but like, Cher actually might be on bath salts.

3. And speaking of…

4. Snoop Dogg, er excuse me, Snoop Lion (when is he going to change his Twitter handle, btw?) has a breakfast of champions.
 And you thought it was only white girls who shared details about their meals via social media.


5. 
Miley invites her 9 million followers to a pity party.
 This is awkward.

6. Snooki reminds us that she procreated (God bless America) then gives us a mental image of her breastfeeding (which we didn’t ask for). Then she also reminds us that she uses a weight loss drug which will most likely be taken off the market for causing loss of brain cells. ZING!

7. Ochocino LITERALLY asks his Twitter followers for a ride to breakfast because he doesn’t want to pay for a car. Let’s just digest that for a second.

Then, in the midst of his “Help me, I’m poor” plea, he reminds us that even though he’s unemployed, he still has a shit ton of money in the bank. Ocho, you can starve.

8.
When Rihanna doesn’t have any recent pictures of herself looking like a hooker/junkie, she just tweets song lyrics….to her own songs.

…or she retweets the most offensive statements she can find.

9. Spencer Pratt reminds you that everyone hates him and he hates everyone, while at the same time, coming up with a revolutionary social media idea. Someone alert Jack Dorsey immediately!

10. Kimmel says what we’ve all been thinking.
11. Lindsay Lohan wants you to know that she doesn’t regret the DUIs…or the cocaine carjacking…or stealing hundreds of thousands of dollars worth of shit…or violating her parole…or writing “F*ck U” on her nails in court…or her weird plastic surgery…or the hit-and-run. In fact, she has really enjoyed all of it.

12. Chelsea Handler reminds us that she boned @50Cent.
I still wish that would have worked out….

13. A) Slutty trainwreck Courtney Stodden has a dog named Dourtney. Which means she couldn’t come up with a name, so she took her name and put a different letter in front of it. B) Dourtney is sick and her fans are literally having prayer vigils. C) #PrayForDourtney is the hashtag her followers chose to rally around on September 11.

14. Dwight from The Office comes up with the best idea for a reality show…ever.
15.
Ryan Lochte wants a follower to tweet him a naked pic so he can call her and have phone sex and he’s not afraid to admit it.

I may or may not have considered sending him one. #JEAH

Well that’s a wrap. #TGIF and happy tweeting, everyone! And if you want to follow me, I’m @AshHess. Although I can’t guarantee I have anything half as awesome to say as Miley or Kim K….

#LYLAS,
@AshHess

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Randomness

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