Historically, November has not been my finest month. One November, I lost my car and reported it stolen. Years ago in November, I got a DUI (and yes, I just admitted that on the Internet). And for the past two Novembers, I’ve gotten weird injuries that kept me on the DL for three months and six weeks respectively. But I have a feeling this month is going to be a good one. My foot is almost
healed heeled, my tailbone is getting there (from an ugly/epic fall on Halloween), and my iPhone replacement (again, a Halloween casualty) arrives today. Maybe I should consider checking into rehab, but in the meantime, read why this could be the BEST MONTH EVER:
1. We survived Halloween/Halloween weekend/amateur night. You may have lost or cracked your phone, busted your booty like me, or made out with your cousin, but if you’re reading this, you’re alive and (hopefully) well. Congrats.
2. The election is ALMOST OVER. Which means everyone on Facebook will go back to uploading photos of their dinners, checking into the gym, posting inspirational quotes, and talking about their kids’ diaper doo-doos. (Wait, maybe this isn’t such a good thing…)
3. International Stretchy Pants Day is quickly approaching. Obviously, I’m talking about Thanksgiving: The day when you can start boozing with your fam at 10 a.m., lay on the couch and watch football, then morph into the fattest fat kid there ever was…then take a breather and go in for round two. Also, everyone loves a good T’giving plate twit pic. #BOOM #TurkeyDay #ThankYouPilgrimsAndIndians #PumpkinPieMakesMeOrgasm #INeedANap
4. Cuddle season is upon us! Attention all singles: You flew solo all summer (nice work), and even through Halloween so you could wear a slutty costume and make out with a random (again, good call). But now it’s getting nippy and you must admit that just a little part of you (even if it’s just that part) could use a warm body on those cold nights. Your dog and/or Channing Tatum pillow person just won’t cut it: Get out there and find yourself a cuddle buddy (trust me, guys want the same thing).
5. And while we’re talking about the fellas…
It’s Movember. Enough said.
Have a great month, everyone! Remember, you’re not a whore if it’s for charity.