I should have known that “Calling all bad dates!” would bring in amazeballs stories from you ladies. (Seriously, what is wrong with some dudes these days?) There are 30 terrific tales you can read by clicking here and scrolling down to the comments, but I’ve chosen my personal faves and I want you to choose your #1 to win the gorgeous Mickey Lynn bracelet for “Readers Choice.” The finalists are listed below – you can vote by posting a comment, leaving a comment on the Witty + Pretty FB page, or emailing me at firstname.lastname@example.org. Just say the number of your choice and I’ll be tallying up the results tonight whilst watching The Bachelor, so have ‘em in by 8 p.m.
1) Huffy Hunk
OMG. I just had to tell my story because its literally scarred me from going on blind dates. (I’m still pissed at this friend who set this up.) Well, the guy wanted to go to Leon’s which got me excited because let’s get real here… Leon’s is the shiz. I told him I would meet him there because honestly, I didn’t want him to know where I lived just to play it safe. HE SHOWED UP ON A MOUNTAIN BIKE Y’ALL. Like, a Huffy. He tries to order is shots within 15 minutes. I mean, shots are only okay when taken with the girls and in Buckhead. He talks only anout himself and how smart him & his entire family are. (His mom has a phd or something like that.) WE WALK BACK TO HIS BIKE and my car and he tries to kiss me. Those are the major details. And that is my story.
2) Thunder Down Under
There was a cute Australian I’d see whenever he came to town. On our third date, he convinces me to come back to his hotel for coffee and swears he’ll be a gentleman. Once in the room, he immediately tries to spank me. I manage to squirm away and suggest it’s time for me to leave. He pleads that at least have a cup of coffee.
He’s acting so strangely that I worry he’s going to drug the coffee, so when he looks away I pour it out. To my horror, when I turn back around he’s removed his pants and is having a good ol’ wank. I laugh and say “you must be kidding,” but before I can react further, he tries to angle me so that he can finish up on my lovely cashmere sweater. Who does that?
At this point I get the hell out of dodge. Half an hour later he leaves me a message to say that he’d be happy to come spend the night at my place and just take a taxi home the next day. What a catch!
3) Pukey McPukerson
So, there was this guy who had been houding me to go out with him for at least 6 months. i turned him down hard every time but that only seemed to fuel his fire. He liked the chase, that was obv. Finally i gave in thinking that i will go out with him, get a free dinner and all of this will be over. So we made plans. Which i then regretted and bailed on. But he wasent going to take that, so he shows up at my house (he was a friend-ish of the family so it wasnet as creepy/stalker as it sounds). He brings in a bottle of wine with him, it was my favorite so i let him in. We drank the bottle and i noticed that he was seeming waay drunker than i was, i can down a bottle and still act pretty normal. Found out later that he had done shots before he came over. He was starting to get a little touchy feely and i knew he was going to try to make a move. i had the bright idea of trying to change the mood to make it as less romantic as possible, so i throw the movie Saw II into the DVD player. that didn’t work. time to change my game plan. maybe he needs some fresh air to sober up, so we go take my dog outside. THis is the point where he tried so hard to kiss me that he ends up tackling me to the ground! keep in mind that it is winter, cold, and had recently rained. I punched him-and he loved it. we finally made it back inside where i was about to kick him out when he looks at me and says “i think im going to get sick”. ARE YOU EFFING KIDDING ME??? so he goes and pukes all over my bathroom and in my new Pottery Barn trash can. i dont want him to die on his way home so i did the polite thing and let him sleep it off at my house. after i cleaned the house, er puke up, i got in bed. turns out, he is a snorer. Like a trucker with sinus issues. now im pissed. its a Tuesday night and i have to work in the morning! so i go out to the couch to try to sleep. he wakes up and realizes that i am on the couch. he comes out and says he feels so bad that he was such a douche and proceeds to lay down on the floor in front of my couch and starts snoring again! at this point i am ok with him risking his life getting home and i kicked him out.
4) Pretty Little Liar
OK…I’m not ashamed, I’ve dated online. Let’s be real. I’ve dated online, a lot. Usually I have a pretty harsh weed-through process.. But there are always some that somehow, miraculously get through the process. Anyway, I met this dude online that seemed pretty normal (funny, had a job, had a car, no cats, etc.) and so I decided to meet him for real (In Real Life-IRL) anyway, we met at Dantanna’s in Buckhead for drinks. I get there and call him to see if he is there.. yep. he just parked. Great! Me too.. well.. he gets out of his car — midget. SWEAR TO GOD. I decided to be the bigger person (literally) and have a drink (or ten) with him. He was a super nice (liar about his height) guy who I never went out with again.
5) Dental Damn
My junior year of college, my new boyfriend and I were at a party with some friends and my younger brother. At one point, there’s a lull in the conversation, and I hear my bf go: “SO, MICHELLE GIVES TEETHY BJ’S.” I was horrified… I wanted to tell everyone, “No I don’t! I played a joke on him a few weeks ago that Cosmo was saying to “use more teeth,” but clearly he didn’t get it!”… But that’s a bit much to explain when you’re drunk and everyone’s staring at you.
My brother, who was beyond pissed, came up to me and was like, “yeah… I think it’s time for me to go.” Um, yes, and let’s never speak of this again?
Of course, being young and dumb, I kept the bf around for too long after that, but this is one giant “red flag” that reminds me he wasn’t a keeper!
6) Crash Into Me
Its really hard to pick just one! But here it goes. I went out with my friends one night determined to meet a guy (by meet I men hook up….duh) and started talking to a guy I went to high school with. He was cute enough and I sort of knew him already, so no harm no foul, right? Well I end up at his friends which is 45 minutes away with no way to leave. So he next morning he brings me to my car and promises to call. Whatever. Later tat day he does call and starts spilling his entire life story and tells me he has a kid and wants me to meet him. Yes, after one night together. Skip ahead to the next weekend where we end up at the same bar and then entire night he is holding my hand and dragging me around like we have been together for years. I finally am able to ditch him and hang with my girls only to have his brother come tell me that he has left and has been in a car accident and I need to come. Not to be rude but there are other people that would need to go. Not me. Turns out there never was a car accident and that was away to Ty to get me to come see him. Yikes!!
7) Emergency Plan
Freshman year of college, my roommate’s friend set me up on a blind date with a fireman…sounded good in theory. We were going to meet for dinner, but when I got there a) He was with 3 other people, b) They were at a booth for 4 only, c) They were all already eating their entree, d) They had all come from a friend’s funeral and that was ALL they talked about as I awkwardly sat in a chair in the middle of the restaurant eating a side salad (that I had to pay for!)
For whatever reason, I decided to join them at his house for a drink after dinner where I learned he had a 6 year old daughter but “it wasn’t a big deal because I haven’t seen her since she was like 3″. I text 911 to everyone in my phone immediately and the first person to call back because my melodramatic escape plan– “What? Little Jimmy fell down a well? I’m leaving now!” No more blind dates for me!
So there they are! Let me know your vote on Facebook, with a comment, or via email!