Engagement-Ring-Hands

We live in a day and age where couples get engaged and their first thought is “I can’t wait to post on Facebook!” instead of “I can’t wait to call my friends and family!” You know it’s true. And with that territory comes status updates that are more barf-tastic than a Jared Galleria of Jewelry commercial.

I have never been proposed to (that I know of), but I imagine it’s a pretty great feeling when someone you want to marry actually asks you to marry him. And I’m truly happy for my friends (and all ladies out there!) who are entering into a lifetime of monogamy with the ones they love. But some of these statuses have to be addressed. (And if you’re offended by this entry, just call me a bitch who doesn’t know what it’s like to have found the #ManOfMyDreams, which like, is totally accurate.)

Without further ado, the five most annoying engagement statuses:

1. The BFF.best friend

We get it. Your fiancé is your “best friend.” But like, is he REALLY? And isn’t that KIND OF a slap in the face to your female bestie(s) who was there WAY before Mr. Soulmate came along? I’m more ok with “Can’t wait to marry the love of my life,” but the best friend thing is just so 1999 Tim McGraw cheesiness. And I can’t help but wonder if those girls will be the ones who realize 10 years down the road that their only confidante is a middle-aged man with his hands down his pants watching Sportscenter. Lord help ‘em.


2. The Single Lady. 

Screen Shot 2013-05-31 at 3.51.47 AMIf you’re doing this to be funny and/or you’re posting a pic of you wearing your engagement ring in a Beyonce-esque leotard, then YOU. GO. GURL. But if you’re not that witty (no offense) and really thought, You know what would be clever? Quoting Beyonce’s greatest hit from 2008, then I hate to tell you that like, it’s not clever. At all.

As for acrylic French nails…I can’t even.


3. “Can’t wait to be Mrs. (Your First Name) (His Last Name)!”

Girl, why so quick to abandon your identity? Unless your last name is something like Ballsweat and his is Dicaprio or Levine, what’s the frantic countdown to the name change all about? You should be dreading it—I hear the legal stuff is a real bitch, and did you so quickly forget that you have to take a trip TO THE DMV!? Good God, hold on as long as you can.
dmv

 

4. The DUH.

proposal yes

No shit. Has anyone in the history of social media ever posted “I said no! Can’t believe that idiot proposed. We’ve only been hooking up for six months!”

(I mean, I would love to see that.)

Ladies, if you’re posting a picture of a ring on your hand crying tears of joy, we get it. I don’t go posting pics of my vacay cocktails with a caption that says, “I’m getting drunk,” do I? Some things are just implied. Plus, “I said YES!!!!!” with 903820343 exclamation points makes it seem like it’s some big shocker you agreed to marry the poor guy.

(For the record, I do think it’s kinda’ cute when a GUY posts “She said yes!”)

5. The nausea nostalgia.

Screen Shot 2013-05-31 at 3.31.32 AMI just threw up on my keyboard. First of all, if you actually thought “This is love at first sight,” that was the Jager bombs talking. Second of all, if you’re really itching to write a poetic, flowery post about your “fairytale”, start a blog.  Third of all, can we just ban the word “fairytale” on Facebook in general?

I’d like to see: “Three years ago, I got wasted and slept with a dude on the first night and now we’re engaged. Ladies, there is hope.”

Then there are the girls that post ALL OF THE ABOVE over time. Along with pictures of the flowers their fiancés sent to their offices (#LuckiestGirlInTheWorld). Along with asking you to “vote” for where they should have their wedding reception/rehearsal dinner/honeymoon. Along with numerous “Thank you for the sweet wishes” posts designed just to remind you they’re engaged. Along with 129873120 pictures of them holding their left hands up. Ladies, we got the point after the first post. And the 17th.

This isn’t AT&T. Less is more.

LYLAS,
Ashley

Hey! Want to follow on Instagram? @AshHess

Comments

  1. This could quite possibly be the best thing I’ve read in 2013. All so true, all so sad.

    #singleladies

    xoxo
    Cathy

  2. kindredly says:

    “Three years ago, I got wasted and slept with a dude on the first night and now we’re engaged. Ladies, there is hope.”

    HILARIOUS.

    That happened to one of my girlfriends, btw, so I guess there is hope. haha!

    Great post.

    1. Michaela says:

      This is happening to me, so there really is hope!

      1. Betty says:

        This happened to me and my husband and we had our one year anniversary last weekend and we have been together 7 years before that! Whats funny is I have never even posted a Facebook status….I guess it’s bc I would post a comment similar to that one!

        1. George Hirwaskdfm says:

          This happened to me and – wait no it didn’t, I’m gay and it’s illegal for me to get married because I would be imposing “my life” on other people… right?

          1. Kari CPB says:

            Time to move to MN, George!

    2. Annie says:

      Although no “left hand” pics EVER decorated my wall, I could very well have said…

      “Five years ago, I got wasted and slept with a dude who already had a girlfriend on the first night and now we’re engaged. Ladies, there is hope.”

      Some things need to stay private so they stay magical. Put the phones down, ladies!

      Thanks for the laughs!

    3. ashley says:

      This happened to me!!! lol, although I was his bartender we’d talk and shoot pool and then one night…drunk went back to his place….we have a son and are married now…But that was very similar to my status when we got engaged. You can meet a guy in a bar!!! lol

  3. kate says:

    Hilarious. Might I suggest tackling Baby announcements next?

    1. Alice says:

      Yes, could you please tackle baby announcements!

    2. Melissa says:

      DO. IT. NOW.

  4. Jaymee Morris says:

    I think you should follow this up with the most annoying facebook posts about getting knocked up!

    1. M says:

      Ultrasound pictures on Facebook REALLY freak me out.

  5. Randy Zmuda says:

    Ashley, you are awesome! I want to marry you, but of course I’d then want to post the awesome news on FB to rub it all those faces. Soooooo, alas, it’ll never be…

  6. Allison Entrekin says:

    J’adore.

  7. Meg Williams says:

    fantastic.

  8. Andrea says:

    I am probably guilty of all of a lot of these things. I definitely did not do the single lady thing, thats just lame. Anyway, if anyone was annoyed by my posts they could just hide or delete me. That being said, if we aren’t close friends I probably would be annoyed by a lot of these too. Oh, and the night we met I got super drunk and balled my eyes out about my ex for like an hour. Then we made out and fell asleep. For some crazy reason he actually asked me out after that. So, there is hope if you are a crazy drunk mess when you meet a man.

    1. Nicole says:

      Balling one’s eyes out sounds like a lot more fun than bawling one’s eyes out, though probably also more painful.

  9. Tangerina says:

    Funny. Sounding a tad bit salty! Lol.

  10. stephieZ says:

    Slow clap… well said.

  11. M says:

    You’ve only known him for 5 months but he is you ‘best friend’

  12. L says:

    I REALLY appreciate you writing this!

  13. Billy says:

    Any girl with the last name “Ballsweat” is cool with me.

  14. Dory says:

    Ash, you seem really jealous, sad, bitter. There is hope though. Just try to get a guy drunk enough, then entrap him.

  15. Elise says:

    Hahahahahah thank you for saying everything I’ve ever thought! Apparently, when you hit the glorious quarter-life-crisis age, everyone has nothing better to post/update FB with than these all-to-frequent statuses.

    I’m with you, so happy for all my lady friends and the love of their lives, but most of the FB crap is over.the.top.

    Thank you! haha

  16. WinoGirl says:

    I’m engaged and this sh*t bugs me just as much.

  17. melissa says:

    well put… it was pretty darn witty! thanks for reminding us girls to just chill out and that life is not a contest!

    you just won a new fan today:)

  18. hs says:

    I love your humor. so funny. I can’t believe you’re from DE. me too! you rock!

  19. Khem says:

    Haha. Love it!! Thank you for writing this! So needed it and wish I could get away with actually responding to some of these posts when I see them.

  20. Debi says:

    Well, thank you for throwing up on your keyboard so I didn’t have to. This is hilarious! Thanks for the Friday afternoon laugh. Cheers!

  21. M says:

    I don’t have a problem with any of these except for #3 because 1) your name has been your name your whole life and is part of your identity, and that doesn’t just change because you get married and 2) the hassle.

    In regards to the other ones, I totally believe your partner can be your best friend (mine is), BEYONCE DOESN’T GO OUT OF VOGUE, saying “yes” is obviously a huge moment in one’s life, and are you really going to begrudge someone for briefly recounting their story? I mean, seriously, it’s one sentence.

    But PS, YES, those acrylic French mani nails are terrible.

  22. Andrew says:

    Bahahaha Look at all these sad, bitter, single women hating all over someone else’s happiness just because you are too pretentious, dishonest, or slutty to keep a man interested in you, much less get a legitimate proposal of your own. Go grab another pint of Breyers and laugh/cry your lonely self to sleep..

    1. Lauren says:

      Andrew.

      If you had half a brain, or half the balls of an adult male, you would know that this was meant to be silly. Ashley is an awesome author and a friend, and by no means is she slutty. Perhaps if you got your head out of your ass more often, you would probably cant a good girl too. perhaps even one who is giddy to post on FB about it.

    2. M. says:

      I agree with you, Andrew! I’m an engaged woman myself…People can write whatever they want when they’re announcing their engagement; it’s no different than the bride picking out a theme or something for her wedding. It’s done how the couple agrees and I’m sure they don’t give two sh*ts about how many times it’s been done before since it makes them happy! With this sort of terrible attitude some ladies have, it’s nor attractive, it makes total sense why they’re not married yet. Also, if you don’t like a Facebook post, scroll past it. Click the option that makes it so you don’t see their status updates, or deal with it. It’s not like your newsfeed is some sacred temple that someone went and shat all over. Anyway, your time will come if you have the right attitude! You won’t want someone else to rain on your parade if/when it happens, so don’t do it to your friends or acquaintances.

  23. Jesse'sGirl says:

    Hilarious … but it gets worse … just wait until those same friends start posting pictures of positive pregnancy tests. That, in my opinion is the worst. NOBODY should want to see something you’ve peed on!

    1. Chris says:

      Wait, didn’t I JUST see a web post about a thriving black market for positive pregnancy test kits?

  24. Kevin says:

    When will you be addressing the whole 3D Ultrasound Social Media Phenomenon? Thats a true barforama. Now if we could see one twin “absorbing” the other that would at least have some intrigue but honestly who wants to see a womb and a naked kid that looks more like E.T. than a Homo sapien?

  25. lindsey says:

    someone is a little bitter and jealous….(and i’m not even married or engaged, but damn, i can be happy for people who are!)

  26. Jme says:

    This is not bitterness or jealousy, simply what everyone is thinking but does not want to say! I was recently married and I completely agree, the pictures, updates, and CONSTANT PDA is nauseating! Thanks for the laugh!

    1. ashley says:

      Ahhh, you’re awesome! Thank you!

  27. Nicole says:

    this is exactly how i feel! haha love the haters too.. “bitter and jealous”… nice try! y’all are crazy.

    next topic you should write about: wedding registries… i swear the SHIT people ask for is insane… $500 crystal salt & pepper shakers, $1,000 tiffany’s PICTURE FRAMES, just to give a couple examples. i mean damn, you get engaged and lose your mind apparently.

    1. I was scrolling through the comments and saw this – I’ve refrained multiple times from writing a post on all the crazy and EXPENSIVE crap on wedding registries for fear I’d hurt someone’s feelings by calling their $1,500 espresso maker “stupid.” But agreed, the people who think Ashley is “bitter and jealous” are the people so absorbed in the wedding mania they forget an engagement is a start of a *marriage* and not an excuse to put on a white pretty dress! (But a great excuse to eat cake, am-I-right?)

  28. Jen says:

    Clearly you are not engaged. But, when you do find that person you say yes to- you will contemplate how to express your excitement to the social media masses. Much like how you’ve expressed your singleness, and your annoyance of another’s happiness. Stop the post: “todays the day you create your own destiny”( because we all live for those posts.) Why don’t you just be on Facebook to see baby pics and life changes of friends rather than sulking, being jealous, and talking about life- go out and live it!

    1. Melissa says:

      whoa… calm down! AH never said she was even remotely jealous or sulking. Girl lives her life all the damn time.

  29. Kathy says:

    I don’t mind all the different ways people announce their engagements. I just don’t understand all the hashtag stuff. Why do people feel the need to #notcomprehending #looksstupidtome. Besides, I am such a grammarian, I can’t type one without putting spaces in between the words unless I backspace. What’s up with hashtags?

  30. Fairytale Story says:

    19 years ago, I bought some weed from a guy. Two years later, I asked him to be my husband.

  31. Stacy Tasman says:

    Ha! This is so true :) But also the reason I started http://www.HowHeAsked.com... because the proposal stories can get SO amazing. Here’s one of my favorites: http://howheasked.com/cutest-proposal-in-history

  32. Kit says:

    So sad you think this way. If you don’t like it, don’t look at it. There’s a gazillion ways to say the same thing – “We’re engaged!” and it’s not up to you to say what I can or can not say. I don’t even do Facebook but I would have been thrill 7 years ago to tell everyone I’m marrying my best friend. We dated for 14 months before the wedding day and my man truly became my best friend. How sad more people don’t think that way…no wonder there are so many divorces. And how long have you been married?
    BTW – my hubby doesn’t even like sports. LOL

  33. D’OH MAH LORD, I just loved this post. My (now) husband and I waited 10 years to get married, so I wanted my proposal to be just us – no nagging mothers, squealing friends, weird passer-bys… we kept it pretty hush-hush until I went through my very long list of people I personally wanted to contact… and it was kind of cool being all dopey-in-love for a few days with our special friends and family before the world knew.

    I don’t know what crazy hormones are released when the diamond is set on one’s left hand, so I try to give gal pals the benefit of the doubt that they can’t control their own stupid. But then again, I can’t help but feel it’s a “HOW YA LIKE ME KNOW, BETCH!” gloating moment we all have to obliging ‘Like’ on Facebook.

    I posted a link to this on my Facebook page and it’s gotten some hilarious reactions. Looking forward to sharing more of your funny self over – keep it comin’, lady!

    https://www.facebook.com/BreakfastAtTarget

    1. Peach says:

      I can only hope that I follow your method one day and do not become one of *those* girls. :) And I too, give my gal pals the benefit and try to excuse any misbehavior on the FB. Going to go read your page now! :)

  34. This is the best and you are awesome.

  35. […] The Lover Shout Out: ie. “One year ago today I married my best friend I still can’t believe how fast this year has gone by and all the memories we’ve already made. I am such a lucky girl to be sharing this special journey with you! I can’t wait to see the blessings this next year will bring. I love you so much” Why don’t you shoot your boo a text or maybe say it to his face? I don’t know, call me crazy, but it seems like a logical option considering you are married, living together and knee deep in “sharing a special journey” together, as mentioned. For an angrier and all around better rant on this topic check this out. […]

  36. Jonie says:

    Ok now I know I’m slightly annoyed with everyone gettin engaged at once like is happening right now, but if rather see people be happy on Facebook than upset. I’d rather see “I’m engaged!” than “omg I hate my life.” So I’m happy for the newlyweds because they should be able to share their special moment. I know that’s how I’m going to be.

  37. Peach says:

    I have nothing but respect for you, your writing and this hilarious entry. You’ve stated (awesomely, btw) what so many single AND engaged women think. Don’t mind the haters. Carry on, Ash!

  38. […] this particular post, @AshHess did a very tongue-in-cheek writeup about the Top 5 most annoying Facebook posts about being engaged, which in all honesty, almost made me pee myself laughing. It pokes fun at the various ways the […]

  39. VegasChrisH says:

    Amazed by the hate you are getting! Super funny post. My only regret is that I am already married or I would try to combine all of your examples into the super-mega-cliche-FB-update!

    My wife an I might be an offender on a couple of these. I will have to do some FB research to see.

    I echo many of the other commenters in that I hope you keep the theme going and touch on weddings/pregnancy/etc. Just stay away from people posting kid pictures!

    Great post!

  40. Beth says:

    Everyone, let’s calm down. I’m married and I think this is HILARIOUS!

    I love this post and I love your blog.

    Keep em coming.

  41. […] are married (especially if you live in the South). But now their LITTLE sisters and brothers are getting engaged. And you’re all, “Wait, I remember when they were like, in middle […]

  42. […] And speaking of your baby daddy: If you’re engaged/married, I have a feeling you were one of these… […]

  43. Amanda-Jaied says:

    Love this post!
    I recently got engaged and still found this hilarious. I must admit I did the ajngl

  44. Amanda-Jaied says:

    Love this post!
    I recently got engaged but I thought this was hilarious.
    I must admit I did the single ladies thing BUT only because my lame fiancé thought it would be funny. :-/.
    I have a niggling feeling at the back of my mind that I’m becoming a wedding bore so make the effort to only post 10% of the wedding related stuff that I initially want to share.
    X

    1. ashley says:

      Haha, girl, post what you want – it’s exciting times! If you found the humor in this post, then I have a feeling you will never be one of “those girls.” :) And congrats on your engagement!

  45. […] live vicariously through you,” while most of them are secretly judging her for not having found her “best friend” to marry and pop out kids […]

  46. […] on cracked.com and Buzzfeed.)  This girl, whom I love, posted a brilliant piece about the most annoying ways to announce that you’re engaged. Now you’re all going to stop following my blog and read hers instead. I found that everyone […]

  47. […] and CLEARLY, this will be the place to find love. You guys know all I want to do is settle down, marry my best friend, start popping out  kids, and posting their diarrhea diaper pics on Facebook, so this will be the […]

  48. […] was nice) and the sweet man who said I was bitter, pretentious, and (wait for it) slutty on the engagement post. It’s because of these fine folks that I do what do […]

  49. […] The Five Most Annoying Facebook Posts About Being Engaged. Sorry.. but this is hilarious. I’m sure I will do at least one of the things mentioned here when/if I get engaged and obviously I’m happy for all my Facebook friends who are getting married, but let’s all just agree this is great. […]

  50. […] agree! Can we please stop referring to our significant others as our best friends? Us girls know this moniker just isn’t accurate. I think I articulated it best when I so […]

Category

Randomness

Tags

, , , , , ,