I grew up going to New York City on the reg, visit once or twice a year now, and was just there last weekend for a wedding. You’re probably thinking, “Ohmygod, don’t you totally LOVE NYC? Isn’t is the best city in the world?!”
Don’t get me wrong. Sometimes I REALLY do love it. But sometimes I f*cking hate it. And I know (almost) everyone who lives there or has ever visited feels the same way, but they’re scared to say it because we’re all supposed to loooooove The Big Apple.
Let’s get real, people.
1. You can’t just get in your car and drive somewhere. Like the grocery store. Or your ex’s house at 3 a.m.
You don’t have to worry about DUIs, annoying car insurance payments (no offense, Flo), paying for parking and the inevitable tickets (Park Atlanta, go f*ck yourself) or behind-the-wheel road rage (which is way more intense than backseat-of-a-cab road rage).
2. You will be pressed up against strangers in a germ-filled subway car and sometimes they will smell bad and/or talk to you (or themselves) with halitosis breath and you will want to kill yourself.
Then it’s suddenly your stop and you’re like, “Damn, I’m here already?” And you’re OUT.
3. Drinks are more expensive (this one hurts).
There are more hot, successful dudes in power suits to buy them for you. $18 cocktail? Psssh, that’s pocket change for those fellas who were just yelling at the NYSE for eight hours straight (who exactly ARE they yelling at, btw?)
4. There’s SO. MUCH. WALKING. and your feet are KILLING you even in your “comfortable” shoes. Waaaah!
You’re burning about 9038402983423 times more calories than you usually do in your lazy ass driving city (ahem, Atlanta) and getting skinnier.
5. You’re probably going to stay with or visit a friend who lives on a 5th floor walkup (seriously….WHERE are the elevators?) and you may have to carry a suitcase and/or wine bottles and/or something of weight up these five flights whilst wearing heels and want to die (and slap your friend when you get to the top).
Again, you’re getting skinnier. Plus a glute workout. So you can drink more wine.
6. You’re peacefully walking along when you get a hot gust of air to the face that smells like sewage mixed with wet dog. Then it happens again five blocks later. And five blocks after that.
You can run for cover in the best H&Ms ever…or Barney’s…or an incredible Anthropologie….or an Apple store with all the newest, best shit…or some badass little vintage boutique…or any other possible retailer you can imagine that will be better than any other city because it’s the BEST. SHOPPING. ON. THE. PLANET. (And the stench won’t follow you indoors.)
7. Restaurants are more expensive.
Plus, you can get ANY food from pretty much ANY place delivered to your door at ANY time from the touch of your phone. Calling for Domino’s? Pssh, that’s so 2007.
8. Everyone is always in a hurry (you Southern-bred folk just can’t seem to understand this one).
There will come a time (or many) when YOU’RE in a hurry and you’ll be glad people have their asses in gear so you don’t have to FREAK THE F*CK OUT.
9. You party way too hard and spend all your money because bars stay open so late, and then you get late-night pizza and don’t end up getting in until 6 a.m. and it takes you days to recover because you’re not 22 anymore.
You get to take #NYCsunrise pictures like this and put them on Instagram/Facebook and everyone will like them and think you’re cool. #LikeABoss
10. If you
shack out sleep elsewhere, you’ll have to do a walk-of-shame, cab-of-shame, or train-of-shame.
No one will even bat an eye because 90% of people in New York City dress in way weirder shit than your last night’s outfit.