Hold onto your boxer briefs because this one is for the fellas!
Remember a few weeks ago when we were on Q100’s The Bert Show women’s panel answering all the burning questions guys wanted to know about sex, self-sex, and more sex? Well (shockingly) they asked us back. The same crew—me, Cara (W+P health/fitness expert), reality show star Nikky, and that wild card Toni. This week, we delved into some more hot topics like dick pics, fantasies, why women go to bathroom in groups, and how shit hits the fan when dudes aren’t in the mood.
We chat about some other (more tame) topics, but the juicy stuff is broken up in the last two clips HERE and it’s worth the listen for the laughs (make sure you have headphones if you’re listening at work, friends). But I decided to discuss these issues in a little more depth…
1. What happens when a dude isn’t in the mood?
Yeah, yeah, yeah, you’ve been working all day, you’re stressed, you just got fired, you’re wasted, your fantasy team shit the bed, your cat died, you have a broken leg…WHATEVER. If the lady in your life wants to bone down and you even SLIGHTLY turn her away, it will hurt her feelings and her mind will start wandering to deep, dark places like, “What if he’s not attracted to me anymore?” or “Is he getting it from somewhere else?” That’s not to say there aren’t rational females out there who understand all men aren’t trying to tap it 24/7, but the initial rejection always stings.
But like anything else, communication is key, as is a healthy sex life. If you’re getting busy on the reg, but she gets offended on that rare occasion when you’re not feeling it, you have two options: 1) Go Nike and Just Do It anyway, or 2) Pick a time when “the deed” isn’t lurking in the air (like during breakfast or when you’re hanging out watching Duck Dynasty) to say, “Listen babe, you know I think you’re the hottest f*cking thing ever and I fantasize about putting my P in your V, like 90% of the time, so if there’s that one time when I’m just SO exhausted or stressed and I don’t know if I’ll be able to perform, please don’t hold it against me.” Then give her a present like shoes or oral sex.
Also, here’s my GOLDEN RULE, boys: For every time you deny your gal, make up for it by jumping her bones when she’s least expecting it. Problem: SOLVED. Wham, bam, you can thank this ma’am.
2. Have most girls hooked up with girls and do they fantasize about hooking up with girls?
Most all-American, alcohol-loving females have kissed another girl at some point; in most cases, in college, and/or drunkenly, and/or for attention. For example, on Spring Break ’04, one of my college girlfriends and I became big fans of the triple kiss, and the hotties staying in our resort reaped the benefits. (Jon, if you’re reading this, call me!). Some girls go farther, of course, but anything more than a heavy makeout that’s not for show might mean she swings both ways, so just keep that in mind. As for fantasizing about other girls, we do that, too.
Oh you want to know more? To hear how my (and others’) fantasy threesomes plays out, listen to the fourth clip.
3. Why do girls go to the bathroom in groups?
I’ll be honest; I don’t always do this. If it’s a crowded bar and we’re all standing around, maybe I’ll grab a friend to come with, especially if there’s a line I’d get bored standing in, but if we’re at a group dinner, I’m sure as hell not going to tear a pal away from her Pinot to escort me to the restroom. But when we ARE peeing in packs, yes, we’re probably
gossiping chatting about boys and/or the “date” our guy friend brought to dinner in the skanky Herve Leger knockoff with the tanning bed glow and acrylic nails. (Seriously, where the F*CK did he find her?)
4. What body part turns women on/What should men work out at the gym?
There were mixed answers to this one, but let’s be honest: What girl has ever said, “I love it when he wraps his skinny arms around me.” BARF. I almost couldn’t type that. Guys, we want to feel protected because you’re bigger and stronger than us, and (almost) all ladies love muscle definition in the arms, shoulders, chest, and back region. You will notice that we touch/grab those areas during sex. We’re not grabbing your calves (unless we’re trying out the advanced Kama Sutra). So hit the weights.
5. Do girls want dick pics (AKA #dictures)?
BOYS. Listen to me. For the love of God, do not send a girl a dick pic she didn’t request, especially if you aren’t in a serious relationship with her. She will show all her friends over brunch, and they will then refer to you with a nickname like Rapture Claw, which is what we call the dude who sent my friend Lauren an unsolicited #dicture with his crooked toe (and dingy bathmat) in the background. If she actually asks for one, then by all means. If you’re sexting with a chick and she’s sending pics and eluding that she wants to see what you’re working with, I guess it’s ok, but at least make it somewhat humorous (you’ll have to listen to the clip for more hilarious explanation on that), and use a filter for God’s sake (click HERE for more X-rated textiquette).
And know this: Words turn a girl on more than anything, so if you really want to get her thinking about your rock hard you-know-what, step up your sexting game. NEWSFLASH: Girls don’t browse the Internet looking at dudes’ junk all day; they read Fifty Shades of Grey. Learn it, live it.
And thank me later.