New moms on Facebook.
The phrase alone can strike fear into the hearts of childless Internet users everywhere. They fill up your newsfeed with their belly selfies and updates (Guess what?! Little Tyler is the size of an avocado today!!!!!) and 7203810974523753 baby pics daily, and at times, they seem to have lost all regard for social norms and what’s acceptable to share in a public forum.
But before we launch into the worst of the worst, let me say this. Moms, I understand the urge to post every adorable baby photo for the world to see. I get it. You popped out a PERSON (congrats, btw) and you think he or she is literally the most amazing thing in the entire UNIVERSE. I felt like that when I first got my dog Dewey and he was a stray who I didn’t even birth. And a lot of times, the photos are cute and/or funny–I love seeing updates from my cool mom friends (keyword: cool).
Bottom line: If people don’t want to see your baby pics, they can hide you. Simple as that. But this post goes out to the mothers who are on a whole different level than photo overload. You know who you are.
Presenting: The 8 Worst Things New and Expecting Moms Post on Facebook…
Thanks for showing us the inside of your womb. No seriously. That is so awesome. It wasn’t enough to hang it on the fridge and send to your closest family and friends; you wanted all your hundreds of FB friends, co-workers, and acquaintances to see your innards and a fetus that looks like an alien. We really appreciate that.
That’s real artsy and all, but I guarantee your Internet buds are thinking one thing: “She pissed on that.”
3. Anything having to do with bodily functions.
Mothers, (and fathers, too): If you find yourself using any of the following words/phrases (OR POSTING PHOTOS OF THEM) on Facebook, you need to take a step back and reevaluate your life choices.
-Diarrhea. NEVER WRITE THAT WORD IN A PUBLIC FORUM. EVER. PERIOD.
-Diaper explosion (“Little Hayden exploded in her diaper again! Wish Daddy was home to clean this one up, LOL!”). I mean, my breakfast just came up.
-The word “poopy.” Oh, you think it’s cute? It’s not. IT’S STILL FECES.
-Anything your child ate and came out the other end. Like a dime.
Real life, disturbing FB photo in 3…..2……
Here are a few people who might have better advice on your sick child:
-Your mom (I’m sure you were under the weather a time or two and she had to deal with it).
-Your close friends with children. Aren’t you guys on a mommy group text or something? Do you think asking them might be more effective than putting it out there to the Facebook universe?
-A DOCTOR. If the kid is really sick, call a damn doctor. I mean, for Christ’s sake.
If there really is some CRAZY ailment and you’re just DESPERATE for help (in which case, I hope you’ve exhausted all other options), then maybe it’s acceptable. But we all know that is not usually the case.
*Yes, I made up that status.
5. Pregnant selfie OVERLOAD.
I’m not a fan of the bare belly selfie in general, but I get that some expecting moms really want to show that thing off, so whatever. But every week/month? How about this revolutionary idea: Buy a baby book and put the photos in there! Then you can show your baby when it’s old enough, the father, and your family/close friends because they are THE ONLY PEOPLE who want to see that many pictures of your bulging stomach.
I can’t even.
6. Babies with tubes hooked up to them.
Am I the only one that thinks this is upsetting? Moms, we know you can’t wait to show the world your sweet infant, but for the love of God and humanity, can you not wait until he/she is healthy? Your friends and family hope you have a healthy child and are praying for you, but it doesn’t make anyone feel joy to see that innocent little thing hooked up to a bunch of tubes. It makes us feel sad. For the baby. And for you.
And for the record, sharing personal matters is what email, texts, and phone calls are designed for.
7. Every. Single. Little. Detail.
Moms, I’m not trying to be a bitch, but is Facebook your personal baby diary?
No, seriously. Ask yourself that.
We would be happy to hear about your child if you’d post less frequently about things that are actually post-worthy: Crawling, walking, talking, dancing to Gangnam Style, anything with some humor that resembles this blog. Also, if you’re posting about your kid every 3.5 seconds, you’re not really in the moment with him/her. Put the iPhone down and enjoy this special time without constantly thinking about what you’re going to say on social media.
(Also, 40 likes on a post that said “pee” AND “poop” in it? Lord help us.)
8. Asking for advice about very personal matters.
Acceptable things to ask your Facebook network about:
-The best daycares.
-Workouts that work for losing baby weight.
UNacceptable things to ask your Facebook network about:
-Should you get a C-section or not.
-To breastfeed or not to breastfeed.
-Pros and cons of circumcision.
These are major PERSONAL decisions and broadcasting them on Facebook asking for advice from a bunch of randoms just seems so wrong. There has to be some other forum for this…..?
Ladies, I get that you’re going to call your husband “Daddy” when referring to him in the presence of your child and occasionally in other instances. But for the record, he’s not YOUR father and his name didn’t magically turn into “Daddy” when you popped out that kid, so stop calling him that every time you mention him. It’s baby talk, and you’re an adult. Also, it’s creepy.
And speaking of your baby daddy: If you’re engaged/married, I have a feeling you were one of these…
10. Breast. Feeding. Selfies.
This is a thing, you guys. I had a photo up (with a blurred face, of course), but roughly 34o234909823942323 mean mommies left crazy comments on this entry, because they are on the #NormalizeNursing train, so I took it down so my server didn’t crash. If you’re dying for a visual, there are some on this site.
And for the record…..Breastfeeding: YES. Breastfeeding selfie: YIKES.
Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a Plan B to take.