baby-diaper-change

New moms on Facebook.

The phrase alone can strike fear into the hearts of childless Internet users everywhere. They fill up your newsfeed with their belly selfies and updates (Guess what?! Little Tyler is the size of an avocado today!!!!!) and 7203810974523753 baby pics daily, and at times, they seem to have lost all regard for social norms and what’s acceptable to share in a public forum.

But before we launch into the worst of the worst, let me say this. Moms, I understand the urge to post every adorable baby photo for the world to see. I get it. You popped out a PERSON (congrats, btw) and you think he or she is literally the most amazing thing in the entire UNIVERSE. I felt like that when I first got my dog Dewey and he was a stray who I didn’t even birth. And a lot of times, the photos are cute and/or funny–I love seeing updates from my cool mom friends (keyword: cool).

Bottom line: If people don’t want to see your baby pics, they can hide you. Simple as that. But this post goes out to the mothers who are on a whole different level than photo overload. You know who you are.

Presenting: The 8 Worst Things New and Expecting Moms Post on Facebook…

1. The sonogram pic.
sonogram

Thanks for showing us the inside of your womb. No seriously. That is so awesome. It wasn’t enough to hang it on the fridge and send to your closest family and friends; you wanted all your hundreds of FB friends, co-workers, and acquaintances to see your innards and a fetus that looks like an alien. We really appreciate that.


2. Pregnancy test on your bare skin.
heart pregnancy test

That’s real artsy and all, but I guarantee your Internet buds are thinking one thing: “She pissed on that.”


3. Anything having to do with bodily functions.
Mothers, (and fathers, too): If you find yourself using any of the following words/phrases (OR POSTING PHOTOS OF THEM) on Facebook, you need to take a step back and reevaluate your life choices.

-Diarrhea. NEVER WRITE THAT WORD IN A PUBLIC FORUM. EVER. PERIOD.

-Diaper explosion (“Little Hayden exploded in her diaper again! Wish Daddy was home to clean this one up, LOL!”). I mean, my breakfast just came up.

-The word “poopy.” Oh, you think it’s cute? It’s not. IT’S STILL FECES.

-Anything your child ate and came out the other end. Like a dime.

Real life, disturbing FB photo in 3…..2……

dime

-Barf/puke/throw-up/etc. We get it. Babies puke all the time. We don’t care that yours just did and we certainly don’t need a visual.
baby puke(That’s my friend’s kid and yes, I’m calling him out.)


4. Sick kids.
ADULTS complaining about being sick on Facebook is bad enough. When parents ask for unnecessary advice about their kids being sick, they just want attention and second-hand sympathy.
Screen Shot 2013-08-02 at 2.35.54 AM

Here are a few people who might have better advice on your sick child:

-Your mom (I’m sure you were under the weather a time or two and she had to deal with it).

-Your close friends with children. Aren’t you guys on a mommy group text or something? Do you think asking them might be more effective than putting it out there to the Facebook universe?

-A DOCTOR. If the kid is really sick, call a damn doctor. I mean, for Christ’s sake.

If there really is some CRAZY ailment and you’re just DESPERATE for help (in which case, I hope you’ve exhausted all other options), then maybe it’s acceptable. But we all know that is not usually the case.

*Yes, I made up that status.


5. Pregnant selfie OVERLOAD.

I’m not a fan of the bare belly selfie in general, but I get that some expecting moms really want to show that thing off, so whatever. But every week/month? How about this revolutionary idea: Buy a baby book and put the photos in there! Then you can show your baby when it’s old enough, the father, and your family/close friends because they are THE ONLY PEOPLE who want to see that many pictures of your bulging stomach.

Even worse: Belly selfie with a messy room/bathroom. And duck face.
Jessica-Simpson-Pregnant-Bikini-PicturesReally Jess? You couldn’t clean up the counter a little bit?

And the MOST DISTURBING of all: Belly pic with a belly button ring.
belly button ring

I can’t even.


6. Babies with tubes hooked up to them.
Am I the only one that thinks this is upsetting? Moms, we know you can’t wait to show the world your sweet infant, but for the love of God and humanity, can you not wait until he/she is healthy? Your friends and family hope you have a healthy child and are praying for you, but it doesn’t make anyone feel joy to see that innocent little thing hooked up to a bunch of tubes. It makes us feel sad. For the baby. And for you.

And for the record, sharing personal matters is what email, texts, and phone calls are designed for.

 

7. Every. Single. Little. Detail. 

baby 3

 baby 4

I die.

Moms, I’m not trying to be a bitch, but is Facebook your personal baby diary?

No, seriously. Ask yourself that.

We would be happy to hear about your child if you’d post less frequently about things that are actually post-worthy: Crawling, walking, talking, dancing to Gangnam Style, anything with some humor that resembles this blog. Also, if you’re posting about your kid every 3.5 seconds, you’re not really in the moment with him/her. Put the iPhone down and enjoy this special time without constantly thinking about what you’re going to say on social media.

(Also, 40 likes on a post that said “pee” AND “poop” in it? Lord help us.)


8. Asking for advice about very personal matters.
Acceptable things to ask your Facebook network about:
-Stroller reviews.
-The best daycares.
-Workouts that work for losing baby weight.

UNacceptable things to ask your Facebook network about:
-Should you get a C-section or not.
-To breastfeed or not to breastfeed.
-Pros and cons of circumcision.

These are major PERSONAL decisions and broadcasting them on Facebook asking for advice from a bunch of randoms just seems so wrong. There has to be some other forum for this…..?

Oh, that’s right. It’s called personal phone calls, emails, text messages and face-to-face conversations…some of which should be had with a DOCTOR. I know. What…….a concept.
baby 6


9. “Daddy” talk.
Screen Shot 2013-08-02 at 3.31.16 AM

Ladies, I get that you’re going to call your husband “Daddy” when referring to him in the presence of your child and occasionally in other instances. But for the record, he’s not YOUR father and his name didn’t magically turn into “Daddy” when you popped out that kid, so stop calling him that every time you mention him. It’s baby talk, and you’re an adult. Also, it’s creepy.

And speaking of your baby daddy: If you’re engaged/married, I have a feeling you were one of these


10. Breast. Feeding. Selfies.
This is a thing, you guys. I had a photo up (with a blurred face, of course), but roughly 34o234909823942323  mean mommies left crazy comments on this entry, because they are on the #NormalizeNursing train, so I took it down so my server didn’t crash. If you’re dying for a visual, there are some on this site.

And for the record…..Breastfeeding: YES. Breastfeeding selfie: YIKES.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a Plan B to take.

LYLAS,
Ashley

Comments

  1. Corey says:

    Best post ever! If I start to go down this path, slap me right in the face. No wait. Punch me.

    But you did miss something! How about the new mom’s who LOVE being a mom so much that they say it every damn day on Facebook! I mean, we get it. Being a mom is a very special thing. But seriously, spend some time with your kid and quit sharing stupid poems about being a mom and telling everyone how Blessed you are!

  2. kindredly says:

    I totally agree. I’m currently pregnant, and I am posting “selfies” on my blog (about ever five weeks and fully clothed), but my blog is my blog. Facebook is OOC with moms and their adventures in potty training. I now totally unfriend people who discuss their child’s potty training woes or bodily functions. I don’t care if you’re my bff, that’s just unacceptable. We all suspect that as a parent you’re dealing with some pretty gross stuff on a daily basis. No need to share with the world. Good post.

  3. Andrew Brotherton says:

    I’ve had multiple friends that posted how dilated they were? I don’t want to know that, I’ve gotten now to the point that the second my friends get pregnant I block status updates, I just don’t need to know.

  4. Find humor in life says:

    I can’t express how much I LOVE THIS BLOG!! You nailed it! Had a friend post on FB just the other day with a new born “nursing like a champ!”. I hate getting visuals in my head of breast feeding. Thank goodness the movies Grown Ups broke that beerier.
    Awesome post.
    BTW: the engagement blog was a hit in my book too!

  5. ihavenoname says:

    Better get a coupon for that Plan B. I learned a lot from this blog post today. I am so thankful that I never got a belly button ring.
    That poop picture is seriously disturbing, I hope you don’t know the person that posted that one.

  6. Lyn says:

    haha Omg thank you for this! The one with the preg test always drives me nut! Like, you peed on that… throw it away!

  7. Ria says:

    This is awesome…i understand that your personal fb is open for you to post whatever you want but I think it’s DISGUSTING when people post about their child “poopin the the potty, not pooping in the potty…”etc…NAH DUH you idiot everyone shits and first shit in a diaper then shit in a toilet….and DON’T get me started the sonogram and pee sticks….I find it unnerving!!!!!! Needless to say, I loved you post!

  8. Sarah says:

    Eyeroll. Get over it. Yes, hide the posts.

  9. Tarded says:

    I totally agree with 99% of what you said. Truly, I do.

    However, I find it interesting that you criticize parents for ‘losing all regard for what’s acceptable to post in a public forum,’ yet you put your blog, with recent posts about nipple covers and pube waxes, on a social forum quite frequently. But I get it, everyone wants to hear about your obgyn appt and how warts are the trickiest of all stds, but baby bumps are off limits.

    1. Jocelyn says:

      Haha! This just made me laugh my ass off!!!

  10. Barbara says:

    You should never take pictures of your child pooping. But you should not bash breastfeeding mom’s we are doing what’s best for babies. Formula is not healthy for baby it doesn’t have everything there little body needs. Educate yourself before you ran you mouth.

    1. ashley says:

      Speaking of educating, please read the post and take a moment to understand it before you comment. Breastfeeding: I fully endorse and yes, it IS what is best for the baby. Breast feeding selfie: Absolutely ridiculous and inappropriate.

      Thanks for stopping by!

  11. Kelly says:

    I find it really offensive that you stole pictures from individuals on Facebook for the purpose of belittlement and ridicule. These are real people sharing their intimate personal lives with their friends and family. You may not be able to understand the deep, intense emotional meaning behind some of the posts parents make on Facebook but feeling annoyed with a post you failed to emotionally connect with is no reason for the disrespect you’ve shown. You really owe everyone an apology. Parenthood can be intensely isolating and often parents can only stay connected with their community through the types of posts you so brazenly bashed. Your article is extremely damaging and I can only hope that any parents or future parents who stumble upon this are able to disregard it completely.

    1. ashley says:

      Hey girl! Didn’t “steal” anything. And my friend who’s daughter I used with the puke thought the post was hilarious. Thanks for stopping by!

    2. Kelly M. says:

      Agreed! Couldnt have said it better myself.

  12. Mary says:

    For one, I find it interesting you only “allow” comments supporting you but I see none that are calling you out. That only further validates my actual point of you needing to grow up and get over yourself. People are proud of their babies and proud of their accomplishments albeit nursing success or potty training success. Let them be proud. If you are too immature or insecure to scroll on then I suggest leaving FB all together. Pregnancy and breast feeding are beautiful and natural. It’s sad our society views one as a medical condition and the other as obscene. And I reiterate my
    Primary point…GROW UP

    1. ashley says:

      Hey girl! I posted your comment since you were concerned about that! Thanks for stopping by. 🙂

  13. ashley says:

    To all the people taking the time to leave hateful comments on this blog entry: No, I’m not going to post them. I can take criticism and I normally post all the comments that people leave, but if you insult me, name call and just leave a wrath of negativity on my website, of course I am not going to encourage that. This blog was not meant to criticize moms and hurt anyone’s feelings–I think motherhood is a beautiful thing and have so many friends who are moms and I love seeing their updates on social media. But I think some go way too far, hence this post. And at the end of the day, these are my opinions, and if you don’t like them, stop reading. There are always going to be things you don’t like to read on the Internet–that’s when you click that little X instead of taking the time to write a hateful comment. Also, the more you hate on and share the blog, the more attention you’re drawing to it, which is beneficial to me, so just keep that in mind. So instead of spending time and energy posting something mean on this blog that will never be seen, why don’t you visit a website you DO like, say something positive to someone, or spend some quality time with your children.

  14. preemie mom says:

    You are a cunt Ashley. I live 800m from my family and when my son was born the begged me to post pictures of him on face book. I hope you never have kids.

    1. ashley says:

      I had to post this one because it was just too good. Cunt? Really? Do you kiss your son with that mouth?

      1. Not important says:

        That was beautiful coming from a mother. It’s really unfortunate that her family has access to Facebook and not e-mail, a nice, private way to share your child’s birth.

  15. Vanessa says:

    First of all- This is not an angry comment, just wish to explain my position- I enjoy your blogs, and I understand your viewpoint, and generally liked your article, it was really funny, although I’m a little hurt and offended at the same time. I agree with some of what Kelly said, who commented before me.. You see, I am a stay at home mom to a little girl just shy of 2 years old, my only child with my boyfriend, after trying for 7 years to have a baby with my ex-husband. I post about the cute things she does, pictures of her, and her milestones ALL THE TIME, since the day she was born. I’m home all day and night with her, so naturally she is my entire world, especially at the age she’s at, so really, 99% of my FB posts are about my daughter in some way. (I wouldn’t post pics of her poo or vomit, or anything like that though, lol) All of my mommy friends and even friends who aren’t parents seem to enjoy my posts, they always comment with similar things their little one’s are doing, or did at that age, and I had a friend say yesterday that she really enjoys the pictures I post, and watching her grow up. I also posted her ultrasound pics, I was beside myself with excitement! ALSO, some of my family in other states only really get updates on her through my FB posts, like my sister and brother, cousins, ect. I spent years before she came along posting about everything else under the sun that wasn’t baby related in the least, and never even thought to criticize posts from mother’s who were proud of their children’s milestones and such. Now it’s my turn. So you keep doing what your doing, because you are really good at it, and I’ll keep doing what I’m doing, because I’m not going to second guess myself over an article written by someone who doesn’t understand what it’s like to be a parent 🙂

    1. ashley says:

      Hi there,
      I really want to thank you for taking the time to write and expressing yourself in such a nice, mature and dignified way (unlike many others–one mom actually wrote “Ashley, you’re a cunt”). And thank you for the compliment. I have no doubt you are a wonderful mother and your little girl is very lucky. I just want to say that I have a ton of mom friends and I love seeing their updates on Facebook! For many of them who live far away, it is my primary means of seeing what is going on in their lives and how their children are growing. And when I’m around my friends’ kids, I find myself wanting to post pics of every cute thing they do, so I understand how that feeling is magnified times 10,000 when it’s your own child. This post was just addressing some of the crazy stuff that I find to be over-the-top and in some cases, inappropriate and things that should be kept private. And if you read my blog, you know the stuff I write is very opinionated, but should also be taken lightly. But I truly feel bad if I hurt/offended you. And you’re right–I don’t understand what it’s like to be a parent. Who knows – maybe if I ever have kids, I will post those Ultrasound pics (you never know!). Again, thank you, and congrats on your little one who was 7 years in the making. 🙂

      1. Vanessa says:

        Wow, I’m sorry people are so harsh with you about this! Thank you for seeing my point of view, I totally see your also, I think I had a lot of the same general thoughts before I was a mom lol, and I was just a little hurt thinking I was cramming my child down people’s throats, but no big deal I know what you mean, really 🙂 Thanks for the congrats also! I still think your writing is funny as hell, and will definitely continue to read it!

  16. Kate says:

    I’m going to go out on a limb here and say that the people who are outraged by this post also find themselves saying “You just can’t understand if you don’t have children.” Hilarious as always Ash! And thanks for the laughs.

  17. Preemieaffiliate says:

    For the preemie Mom who called you a CUNT. You best check your self at the “leave a reply door” gurl. I work as a preemie nurse. I am sure you thought your baby was the cutest thing ever (and potentially to me too), most of the general public find that It is sad. To see a tiny being fighting for life with tubes and drains and leads and all of the other shit that keeps that precious being alive, can be disheartening to he general public. I do think emails and personal messaging is great for family and friends if they truly want updates. Trust me love…I get where you are coming from…I see it everyday, I live with the raw emotions of parents, I am with them through the ups and downs of the very long journey…but not everyone does…and it’s a personal and emotional experience that not every one on FB wants to experience. They can hit hide the button but the image is already burned in their memory. This article was meant to be funny…not offensive. And to call someone a cunt for voicing their opinion in a funny way…that is scary, unnecessary, sad, mean and emotionally unhealthy. You can get your opinion out in a more constructive way. Ash…I love you, your blog, your freedom of speech, and everything you stand for. I hope you do have kids. You will be a great mom who most likely will do half the shit you talk about on here. To the preemie mom…I wish nothing but the best for you and your child. I hope he/she is thriving.

  18. Jen C. says:

    Lord above, these women! First, read this blog with your tongue firmly in your cheek. While it is the opinion of the author, it is also for entertainment and this was funny.
    Secondly, get over yourselves. I’m so over women who think that because they became a mom they suddenly entitled to some everyone’s adoration. I love my mom friends,but I knew them before and after kids and I don’t find them to be any more special after kids. Women have been giving birth since the beginning of time, and while your pregnancy is special to you it is not special to the universe.
    And to the breastfeeders: that’s cool that you want to breastfeed until your kid is in high school. Just leave the rest of us alone. Seriously. Enough. I don’t want to hear about or see (thanks for the selfies Ashley, I’m going to go kill myself now) your nipples, milk, or kid suckling on them anymore. Again, you are just feeding your kid. He/she will probably end up dumb and in need of therapy whether you give them formula or breastmilk. Just leave the rest of us alone.
    And to Preemie Mom, take the medication your doctor gave you for the PPD before you go really nuts and hurt yourself.

  19. Ashley (different one) says:

    I agree with most of these, even though I am guilty of at least three. In fact, before I had a kid I definitely hated on the sonogram pictures. (I still don’t understand the gender reveal sonograms. We believe you, you do not have to plaster fetus penis- feenis?- all over my feed.)

    The one that I wanted to stick up for, though, is posting questions asking for (reasonable) medical advice. We’ve been very lucky to have a super healthy kid, but sometimes doctors are wrong and your friend’s Greek grandmother taught her the perfect trick for runny noses, incessant coughing, teething, etcetcetc. I would never go to Facebook for something serious, but sometimes you get a great home remedy you’ve never heard of before and it does what the pediatrician couldn’t. Just my two cents.

  20. Tink says:

    Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. I actually stumbled upon your blog thanks to one of the “mean mommies” who was upset by your view on breastfeeding selfies.

    Let me quickly just say a few things…first, you are absolutely right. Doesn’t anyone have a damn sense of intimacy anymore??? And by intimacy, I mean that some things in your life are personal, and in some cases special, and are NOT meant to be shared with the whole world??? Like your big bare pregger belly in your undies??? Get over yourself, honey with the duck face, because your stretch marks are showing.

    And the c-word woman – she is a piece of filth who is so starved for attention that she needs to capitalize on her sick child’s condition. Thank you to the RN who posted because what she said is so true – think about how your child might feel when s/he grows up with all those very personal pictures out there – are you telling me that all your FB contacts (I know some of mine are people I haven’t talked to in years) are so special to you that they ALL deserve to be a part of your sick child’s journey??? Really????

    And PUH-LEASE do not get me started on the breastfeeding nazis. Breastfeeding is great and wonderful and all, and no one is asking you not to do it in public but could you show some damn decorum and be discreet about it??? No you don’t have to do it in a public bathroom but come on now, how hard is it to cover up when you do it??? You gave birth. You breastfeed. Congratulations. Now get over it. Is it (and should it) be special to you? Yes. To the rest of the general world – no. Is it natural – yes. So are a lot of other things that people do DISCREETLY or at least with a bit of class. Yes, legally you can whip out your crusty boob in public and feed your 5 year old, but legally I have freedom of speech and I can graphically discuss how I was manhandled five ways from Sunday by a hot young sailor (so long as I’m not shouting) but I don’t do that in public because I assume that it might offend someone. Just cover your damn boobs when you’re breastfeeding and stop acting like it’s such a goddamn burden to do so, mkay???

    I am SO GLAD that I found your blog. Really looking forward to reading more! 🙂

  21. Kat says:

    I do agree with some of what you said, especially the bodily fluids and the sick posts…If your kids are sick, take them to a doctor, dont wait for answers on facebook, that’s dumb. But, I disagree about some of the rest. The ultrasound pics, ALOT of my close friends and family are on my fb profile and want to see the pics. Especially sine my husband has joined the military and we now live cross country from them, its simple and quick to post for everyone to see since I am so far away. They enjoy my posts on how my son is doing and the new things he is learning and the pictures of him growing up. And alot of people I know are in the same position. Family being so far away because either they moved or their family/friends moved. So if for some reason any of the people on my friends list have a prob with it, which they dont, they can simply unfriend me because I would not care. The belly pics I love seeing, women becoming a mother are absolutely beautiful. Seeing their pregnant bellies is a reminder of how amazing life is and that they are giving life to a new human being. but i dont like the ones where they are practically naked, thats alittle much. Breastfeeding, I dont mind seeing someone breastfeeding in public, you cant help when your child is hungry, thats no prob but when your home and taking pics just to post them on fb..no.

  22. Peach says:

    A friend of a friend of a friend used to update her FB status whenever she was breastfeeding with one word: “Moo.” You nailed it again, girl.

    1. Melissa says:

      LOL That’s totally something I would do. I’m due in December and when anyone asks me if I plan of breastfeeding, I feel like they’re asking me if I plan to turn into a cow right after Thanksgiving.

      Moo.

  23. I enjoy reading a post that will make men and women
    think. Also, many thanks for allowing for me to comment!

  24. A L says:

    Sorry this post sucked. Your post is just a blatant attempt to sound witty like STFU parents but you’re just coming across as mean.

    1. Ashley Hesseltine says:

      “This post sucked”, yet I’m the mean one. #GottaLoveHypocrites

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