When “Helzberg Diamonds in conjunction with ABC’s The Bachelorette” reached out to me to blog about tonight’s finale (or FIN-AHH-LEE as Chris Harrison would say), I asked, “Is it paid?” They said no. Then I was like, “Do I get free diamonds?” and they were like, “Negative.”
And I was like, “Ok fine, I’ll do it anyway.”
I actually am super excited about tonight’s show and can’t wait to see what happens (even if the whole thing is staged). Read my recap from last week if you need to catch up.
Is Brooks going to come back!? Is Drew going to come out of the closet!? Is Chris S. going to read Chris Harrison a poem and put us all to sleep!? We will know soon.
I have some hilarious Facebook friends, so I reached out to them for predictions and they didn’t disappoint:
Jessica Camerata (check out her fab fashion blog here): “She says no to both and joins Dancing With the Stars and falls in love with her dance partner, who we all know is likely to be gay.” (#NailedIt. Dancing With the Stars is a given and Des has the worst gaydar on the planet, so this outcome is VERY feasible.)
My BFF Kate: “Chris and Drew run off together. Des goes home alone. Then they announce that her brother is the new Bachelor.” (I want this to happen so badly, I can barely stand it. Des’ crazy white trash brother as the next Bachelor!? I die. Would that not be the MOST AMAZING BACHELOR SEASON EVER? Please picture him on a classy, romantic date and tell me you don’t agree.)
Laurel Wells Thompson: “Everyone dies.”
Me: “YES, like The Walking Dead or Game of Thrones. What a TWIST!
Laurel: “My real opinion is that Brooks will come back. But my fantasy is that some dock somewhere will collapse and everyone will be devoured by sharks, except Chris Harrison who will lose an arm or something, but in spite of it will emerge triumphant in the next and most dramatic season in Bachelor history. (How they will top everyone being devoured by sharks is anybody’s guess.)”
Me: Well, it is SHARK WEEK!
My mom: I predict she does not pick either Chris or Drew. Brooks asks her if she wants to take it slow and date. (As big of a #SNOOZEFEST as that is, I think ol’ Moms might be on the money.)
As for me, I think Brooks will return because that’s what America wants, plus the spoilers say so. My friend and favorite Bachelor/Bachelorette commentator Neal Reddy says, “Ratings and the female viewers’ libidos would soar to all-time highs. More importantly, for the first time in history, Chris Harrison would not be a pathological liar for continuing to tell us that the current season is the “most shocking” in history.
ABC/Helzberg want me to answer the question, “Would you take him back?” and the answer is yes because I’m going through a dry spell right now, plus the whole “I know I dumped you, but I f*cked up and now I want you back” thing worked out for Jason “Man Cry” Mesnick and Molly, so it CAN happen.
As for the breakups with Drew and Chris, I still don’t know how this is all going to play out? Are we going to get any more island time? Or will this sh*t go down in studio in front of a live audience?
Either way, she’ll have to break up with Chris in terms he will understand, so she’ll read him this poem:
Chris, you’re hot – of that, I am sure,
But your personality is kind of a snore,
Brooks dumped me and Drew isn’t straight,
But I still don’t think it’s a good idea if we date,
I hope you’ll forgive me since I put this in rhyme,
And can we make out in the sand one last time?
Then they’ll have to get the producers to help coordinate, because this is a unnatural, unrealistic position that NO REAL PERSON HAS EVER DONE IN REAL LIFE.
As for the breakup with Drew, she’ll need to hand him a note that has a picture of herself and a picture of Adam Levine and says: “Who do you want to go in the fantasy suite with? Circle one.” And they’ll obviously have him hooked up to a lie detector. Because we can all agree that lie detectors aren’t used on the The Bachelor/Bachelorette NEARLY enough.
For the record, Drew, we love you but like, there’s just no way you’re straight, bud. You’re too pretty, poised, kind, and refined.
(Photo courtesy of betcheslovethis.)
Now, for the shameless promo…
Helzberg Diamonds will be offering a giveaway of a beautiful rose pendant necklace (below) for people who follow @Helzberg on Twitter and tweet with the hashtag #IAmLoved (their signature phrase) and #Bachelorette during the show. Follow @Helzberg and watch for clues for your chance to win.
Friends, I think we can have some fun with this one, because #IAmLoved is something I wouldn’t normally write on Twitter…but I will find a way to do it in the name of jewelry. Perhaps “#IAmLoved….by Des’ brother. Now give me that rose (necklace). #Bachelorette”
ONE LAST THING: They ARE announcing the NEW BACHELOR tonight! Girls, keep your fingers crossed and your lady boner alive for the chance that it could be #JuanPablo!!
Here’s to finding LOVE (ish)!
-This is an opt-in sponsored post for which no compensation was received. Information was received from brands, giveaway restrictions apply.
-Read the Drew stuff with your tongue firmly in your cheek. Yes, he acts like a gay man, but this post is not meant to be hurtful. #ItsCalledHumorPeople