I kid, I kid, you guys. Kinda’. On a serious note (which rarely happens on this blog, so listen up!), I can understand how it all went down. A few years ago in the fall (my peak dating season), I was seeing two dudes and I REALLY liked one and was just meh about the other one, but I kept Dude #2 around to take my mind off Dude #1, plus he planned good dates and was really into me. Things didn’t work out with Dude #1 (SHOCKER) and I was like, “Ugh, I don’t even want to hang out with Dude #2 anymore because he’s not Dude #1! Waaah! I just wanna’ sit on this dock and cry!!!” But I decided to go out with him ONE MORE TIME, which turned out to be a really awesome date, and then I totally ended up digging him and never thought about Dude #1 again. Obviously it didn’t work out with Dude #2, and I’m sure they’re both engaged or married now because I’m the prep chick.
ANYWAY, I get it. And when two people want to be in love so badly like Des(perado) and Chris the Poet did, they’ll pretty much fall for anyone. Well, except for someone like Des’ brother. You’d have to be deaf, blind, and black-out drunk to think that doucher was dateable. Seriously though, he is so rapey. As Bachelorette super-tweeter Emily Foley put it, “I just called 911 because I feel violated just seeing him.”
I think it was obvious last night that Des doesn’t even like him.
Sadly, Drew didn’t come out of the closet. And he also didn’t come out of his room in Antigua. Did you guys catch that?
Des: “Have you been at the pool?”
Des: “The beach?”
Drew: “Nope, been hanging out in my room.”
WHAT A THRILL SEEKER! I mean, who stays in his/her room while vacationing (all expenses paid!) in an exotic location!? #DealBreaker. I would have called it off right then and sent his attractive ass home. And he would have been relieved because: A) He doesn’t like women, and B) He would have gotten to spend more time in his room packing up.
As for the proposal, when Chris was about to get down on one knee and Des stopped him and he did this awkward, “Oh wait, you don’t want me to?” thing, I literally zipped my hoodie up over my head because I felt so cringey and awkward. It all worked out in the end, but that moment was…just…awful.
Then Brooks showed up After the Final Rose with his new #ShortHairDontCare ‘do and patchy ‘stache.
Whatever. He gave Des an awkward, surprised congrats on her engagement (did he not see the ring the whole ten minutes before?) and that was that.
And then………the best thing ever happened. As in, I actually screamed like a 16-year-old girl getting an incoming call from her crush.
That’s right! JUAN PABLO is the next Bachelor, just as I had hoped and predicted! ABC freaking nailed it for once.
But more importantly, should I apply? I played soccer in high school. I know some Spanish (Don Julio, Jose Cuervo, chile rellenos, piñata), and I would make a great stepmom to a kid who’s already potty-trained. Basically, we’re soulmates.
Here’s to seeing me on your TV screens come January! I’ll be there for the right reasons (NOT to make friends) and I promise you a hot tub makeout (even if it has to be with a cameraman).