The 2013 MTV
VMAs JTMAs went down last night and the nation (well, everyone with a Twitter account) was abuzz with commentary. Here are my top ten observations.
1. The VMAs took place in Brooklyn.
The one city where the residents couldn’t give less of a shit about the VMAs.
2. Lady Gaga. Ms. Monster had four outfit changes and three wig changes in one song and it went off without a hitch. Plus, her body was straight ROCKIN’ when she bared all in that Little Mermaid getup. But I still preferred her cat breading look:
3. Miley. (Or was that Amanda Bynes?) Her performance was not edgy/risqué like Madonna and Britney’s kiss or shocking like Kanye’s Taylor Swift interruption. It was just repulsing and trashy. She was like an 17-year-old (on ecstasy) who just snuck into a club for the first time and wanted to make sure everyone knew she was DTF….even the married dudes.
I mean, I hope Mr. Thicke was wearing a cup because she was aggressively twerking all over his junk. And I really hope Paula Patton Mean Girl’d her at the after-party.
And like, why CAN’T she keep her tongue in her mouth? She might want to seek medical attention for that. Also, I will never look at a foam finger the same way.
4. Kanye. The best part of Kanye West’s performance was Jordan Catalano introducing him (begrudgingly).
But seriously, that was a great mashup of Auto-Tune and bleep-outs.
5. “Blurred Lines” did NOT win Best Song of the Summer (don’t worry–One Direction won with a song that no one over the age of 16 even knows, but surely sounds like every one of their other songs).
If only the audience would have chanted “Robin Thicke” three times, he might have taken home the award…
6. Justin. Mother F’ing. Timberlake. Sweet Lord. Like I said, this should have been called the JTMAs because ol’ boy put on a full CONCERT with all of his ahhh-mazing hits (and did he even get short of breath??). I may or may not have dry humped my TV, but my girl Emily Foley said it best…
As for the ‘NSync reunion: Meh. I mean, that was awesome for them to do and nostalgic for us ’90s kids, but it kinda’ interrupted the JT lovefest. Like, Joey Fatone totally killed my lady boner.
7. Did anyone laugh at Kevin Hart besides Kevin Hart? Seriously though. I thought he was supposed to be funny. Was he just having an off night? Didn’t he just have a standup MOVIE out? What comedian gets a movie who’s not universally funny? I’m so confused. He was bombing so bad, he actually said something about one of the members of ‘NSync farting. A fart joke? Come on, dude.
I really think these awards shows sit Taylor in the front row and hone in on her during performances just to make us feel uncomfortable. On this particular evening, she really loved her some JT and I also noticed her getting it to Macklemore (or attempting to). But when Drake performed “Started at the Bottom,” I averted my eyes the entire time just in case they showed her white-girl-dancing and trying to rap. I would never be able to erase that image from my mind.
9. Katy Perry. The “Roar” songstress made kickboxing dancercise look cool, and then she jumped rope #LikeABoss and all I could think was….I want her boobs.