547011_10100681974444871_852759481_nOk ladies, it’s your man-friend Trey here (aka Tough Love Tom) taking a break from Candy Crush to help you figure out the male gender and how to not mess up a good thing in a week or less. We already discussed long toenails and bad spray tans, but at the end of this Pulitzer Prize-winning blog entry, you will know even more sacred secrets to getting dudes to like you. However, I need to emphasize that I am not in a relationship, but I am looking to land a girlfriend by October 1, but more on that later. Moving on, this non-sanctioned lesson involves how most SOME of you can F up a good thing in a week or less. You all know the dating “rules” because you’ve read 24 books on the subject, so this should be no surprise. Also, for those of you precious debutantes who claim to “not play games,” then you will “not have boyfriends.” No games? Fine, tell the next guy you like how much you like him every time you think about how much you like him and see if you make it to Gatlinburg for the honeymoon. Negative, Miss Honesty. But I digress. I have no idea what digress means. Here are a few ways a gal can ruin a good thing in the first week of courtship.

Do not:

1. Bang on the first date. Whoa, too far? Well this is a no-brainer.  He will lose interest in you the second he reaches for the towel. Play a little tonsil hockey and call it a night.

2. Ask him out first…or second. I don’t care if you have Ray Lamontagne playing live at your house with a case of box wine and vibrating couch, don’t do the “Oh I haven’t heard from him but I’m dying to see him, I’ll ask HIM out; this is 2013, I am woman, hear me roar!” Calm down, Katy Perry. Let him put in some effort before you get all ask-happy.

3. Say yes every time he asks you out. Guys like girls who have shit going on and aren’t waiting around for them. So have some shit going on and don’t wait around for them. I would use the 50% rule. He asks you out, you say yes; the next time, you have plans (if you don’t, MAKE SOME). And for the love of God, don’t tell him you have plans, but you could break them to hang out with him. He will put you in his Desperate Chick file and start looking for a new gal on MySpace.

4. Add “haha” or “LOL” to every f*cking text. Emoticons are painful enough (and take it easy on those) but when you haha or LOL to the end of every SMS, we assume you must be the girl who laughs at every comment a dude says … with food in your teeth.
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5. Like every single thing he posts on Facebook or Instagram. Total red flag that you’re a psycho loser stalker nerd with text alerts every time someone joins Tinder. And don’t poke him on Facebook whatever the f*ck that is.

6. Talk about these things on a first date: How you’re ready to settle down/get married/have kids, how f*cked up your family is, your foot fungus/rash/any other weird body issue, that you’re unemployed with no real plan or career goals, your ex-boyfriend/husband/baby daddy.

7. Text back immediately after every received text and always be the one to start AND/OR end the conversation. Leave him hanging sometimes for Christ’s sake. The girl that is attached to her phone waiting for her text alert also wears cotton underwear and sleeps with a retainer (in our eyes). I’m just saying.

8. Ask his friends about him. This comes from the same chick above and they probably think you are annoying anyway.

9. Beat him in sports. It’s not “cute” when a chick deadlifts more than the dude and posts it on her Crossfit blog. We assume you have back acne and jacked up toes.

10. Show/tell him how much you like him. You’ve known the dude for 8 seconds and you’re already giving him “You’re my soulmate” eyes and trying to hold his hand. SWEET LORD, GIRL. Get him to work for your affection and you’re gold.  How many dudes you haven’t liked turned out to like you? All of them.

It is about the challenge for the dudes—at least at the beginning (some of us, for life). The chase, blah blah blah. You can let him know you’re interested, but always keep him on his toes. If you have shit going on and aren’t desperate for a boyfriend, then this is called ACTING NATURAL. If that’s a foreign concept to you, then treat him like you would treat a guy friend who had his balls blown off in an lawnmower accident and no eyebrows and you should do fine. Here is the one and only secret you need to know in order to get dudes to like you: Keep them guessing.  If you can keep the squirrels running in his head, you will always win, I promise you.  Now, if we meet in the future and I hit on you, please God don’t do this to me because it will drive me bananas.

Soon to be in a committed relationship once I find a girl who will date me,
Tom

Comments

  1. Lauren says:

    The only thing I disagree with here is hatin’ on the cotton underwear. It’s (supposed to be) better for your lady parts! And it’s not impossible to find cute pairs.

    1. Ashley Hesseltine says:

      Haha, I’m with you! I think he’s probably referring to big ol’ period panties. 🙂

  2. JJJ says:

    Thanks, this is really great advice if you want to date an asshole!! Or are in college, this is definitely relevant in college. But if you are interested in a guy who is a little shy, who isn’t pretentious, and who won’t expect you to act like a 1950s housewife – it’s hot to ask him out, he’ll be able to handle it if you beat him in sports (he might even be impressed), and you can fuck him whenever the fuck you want.

    That being said, I agree with the points that boil down to “don’t be a crazed stalker” and “have some independence, have interests of your own, and reserve judgement about him until you know he’s worth your time.” Of course, all of these apply to men too.

    (And yes I’m in a relationship if I need some “street cred” to back up my claims. Sorry about the excessive use of quotation marks.)

  3. derek claine says:

    don’t forget, don’t have her dogs come over, claim they are sweet and well behaved then have them sh*t on your expensive rug you had shipped back from a Himalayan outpost drenched in historical precedent and weaved by 100 year old sherpas. That kind of turns the guy off…which is why he will then push for #1 on the list so he can get rid of your sorry ass.

  4. mary says:

    Amen to #4 for both sexes. I recently called a guy out for typing LOL seven times since the beginning of our text thread. I know I’m funny sailor, I don’t need your fake confidence booster.

  5. Liz says:

    I agree with some of these, especially #4, but how grossly sexist is the “beating him in sports”? Seriously –
    (1) there are some wimpy guys out there
    (2) there are some amazingly strong AND gorgeous girls who are wonderful people
    (3) Nobody should feel ashamed about being strong or athletic, it’s a skill and a gift
    (4) if a guy friend of mine were to break up with a girl because she was stronger, or faster, or better than him at basketball, I would be then friend-dumping HIM. I don’t need judgmental, insecure people for friends.

    I am faster than my boyfriend – He’s man enough to appreciate me, and not consider everything I do as a threat to his manhood

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