Hey gang. It’s your old friend “Tough Love Tom” here bringing you more critical relationship advice and information. In this gluttony of piss-warm info, I will be perplexing you with some advice about online dating. OH NO, HE SAID ONLINE DATING!!! Listen, you know you do it and if not, you want to do it, so I am here to help. I have never done it (ish) but I did try to get married on the radio a few years back. That went fairly awful, though I did meet some nice women who played football (and not the lingerie kind). GOOGLE IT. Now, before we get to the best online dating site (Pinterest, OBVI), let’s explore the worst ones out there:
15. Ashleymadison.com: This site is only for married people and there are around 3 billion members. Once you find someone to marry on the next few sites, then want to slit your wrists because you married a douche you met online, AshleyMadison gives you options. They named the site after the two
sluttiest most common female names in the U.S.
14. Beautifulpeople.com: No surprise what’s on this disaster of a site. People who think they are good looking. OH JOY. I would love to hear the conversations on these dates. I am sure the combined average IQ of everyone on the site is kale salad plus Velcro.
13. Furrymate.com: Does the thought of dating Winnie the Pooh turn you on? Do you want to wear 60 pounds of faux fur and a helmet with a donkey face during missionary intercourse? Of course you do. Added benefits include losing 30 pounds nightly and a lifetime supply of Febreze.
12. Facebook.com: No idea. Someone recommended it.
11. Veggiedate.org: Probably no fatties here. Or cool people. Is there anything sexier than a hippie eating tofu and yard grass? I think not. Take dental floss.
10. Whatsyourprice.com: A neat little site where men can offer cash for gals to date them. I am thinking fat dudes with family money plus money-sucking whores, but I could be wrong. I think there is a similar business out near Las Vegas, Nevada called prostitution.
9. Clowndating.com: Ever been to an Applebee’s on a blind date dressed as a full-on clown? I have. It doesn’t work. However, if you have severe acne and huge feet, this might be your ticket. I suggest taking balloons. All clowns should have balloons at all times. I have no idea why.
8. Diapermates.com: For those of you who think it’s NOT normal for 200-pound infants to have sex whilst wearing diapers, get real. Just think how much time you can dedicate getting to know each other by never having to go to a physical bathroom. I guarantee Ashley makes me join this site for research and development. I just blogged in my pants.
7. Womenbehindbars.com: Fellas and lesbians, dig in. Don’t let a little criminal history and few misspelled face tattoos stop you from finding love and then being murdered nine days later. It is like having a ferret. You can love them but they stay in a cage. Perfect relationship. (NEWSFLASH: None of these ladies look like the hot chick from Orange is the New Black.)
6. Purrsonals.com: Is your favorite perfume ammonia? Do you have absolutely zero social skills? Dig into this litter box of love for a true treat. I once dated a girl who had a cat. She dumped me.
5. Singleswithfoodallergies.com: I literally have no comments for this site. Except maybe a sneeze.
4. Seacaptaindate.com: Oh hell yes! I have no idea if dating a sea captain is cool, but I DO know that dressing like a sea captain is fun as balls. Time to buy a dingy and find my perfect mate. See what I did there? Mate? Like, on a ship or relationship partner? Oh.
And you can find dudes like our friend below who is also a Mayor. Find him on Twitter if you want to
bone go on a cruise.
3. STDmatch.net: After visiting this site I am feeling a little itchy. Think my computer got
a virus herpes as well.
1. Farmersonly.com: If you do anything in life, please watch the commercial for this site. I had no idea farmers had computers. I am sure dirty fingernails don’t spread infections at all. See what I did there? Never mind.
Well, if those humdingers don’t land you a soulmate then I guess you are just screwed. Well, not literally. Your best bet is the Tinder app or roofies. I once asked my friend Pat what is the deal with relationships, and she told me something I will never forget. She said “Love is a battlefield”. God bless you, Pat. Good luck, sweet lovers.