What do you get when you take 300 of the world’s most famous DJs/electronic performers (David Guetta, Calvin Harris, Afrojack, Tiesto, Steve Aoki, etc.), 150,000 party people from all over the globe, 24 million glow sticks, 870 different kinds of neon accessories, 234820938439234 acres of farmland, and a couple gals named Molly?
The answer: A little festival called TomorrowWorld (from the same fine folks who put TomorrowLand in Belgium, which sells out in like, 5 seconds), and they somehow decided (perhaps over coffee and pot muffins) to bring this rager to Georgia. Lord help us. I’m going on Saturday (and maybe Sunday if I get peer pressured), and CLEARLY, this will be the place to find love. You guys know all I want to do is settle down, marry my best friend, start popping out kids, and posting their diarrhea diaper pics on Facebook, so this will be the perfect opportunity to lock my soulmate down. If you have music festival plans anytime soon and are looking to do the same, here are the tried-and-true tactics…
1. Set up a
tailgate campsite that’s basically a full-service, 24-hour restaurant. During the day/early evening, serve burgers, dogs, wings, and barbecue. Late night, put out Taco Bell Doritos Locos tacos, pizza (cold or hot, doesn’t matter), and a Krystal platter. The next morning, fire up the omelet station (duh). Hook up a flatscreen TV and have porn and/or ESPN playing at all times. Set up a subtle table with lube, condoms, and clean towels. You will 100% bring all the boys to your yard.
2. Shave your armpits. You’ll be one step ahead of 67% of the other girls throwing their hands in the air like they just don’t care (literally…they don’t).
3. Strike up a conversation in the porta potty line. Tell the dude you have hand sanitizer and flirtatiously say you’re willing to share. If he’s into you, he’ll do his business so fast and dart out of that shit can to come find you under the guise of washing his hands, which you know he doesn’t care about. Then put the liquid in his palms and re-enact this scene:
4. Wear a shirt that says, “My Name is Molly.” You won’t be able to keep the dudes away from you. Albeit, they may be 21 (or 17), but hey, beggars can’t be choosers. (BTW, this means they think you have drugs, but if you dazzle them with your sparkling personality and EDM knowledge, there’s a .7% percent change they’ll forget about the illegal substances and fall in love with you.)
5. Hula Hoop with minimal clothing.
This girl may be maneuvering three hoops at once, but she is wearing way too many frumpy duds.
This chick probably doesn’t even know what she’s doing, but she’s half naked and gyrating #ForTheWin. Mr. No Sleeves is even taking a picture that he’ll probably post on Instagram with hashtag #LoveOfMyLife.
As a bonus, you can always dress up like a wedding party like we did last year at CounterPoint.
You will get THE MOST attention from everyone, so when you get approached by someone you’re interested in, tell him you’re not REALLY married (wink wink), but you’re still looking to “act like a newlywed” that night (WINK WINK). Drag him back to your tent, break out the Cool Ranch tacos, and you’ll be boyfriend-girlfriend in no time.
Here’s to finding love in a hopeless place…