Liza and I are officially on Day 4 of the Roots juice cleanse and we got 99 problems, but overeating ain’t one. I’ll be honest–I am feeling pretty awesome. I’m clear and focused, have plenty of energy, and my abs are looking more defined by the day. (I’m sure a lot of you are wondering about weight loss, and not to worry–I’ll address it in the final journal entry.) BUT, with all the healthy goodness comes what we like to call #JuicingProblems, which can sometimes fall under the category of #FirstWorldProblems, #WhiteGirlProblems, or #SkinnyBitchProblems. We compiled our list, starting with mine…
1. #SocialSituations: Clearly, I’ve been avoiding bars and restaurants this week because I’m not a masochist, but a friend asked me to do a standup open mic at the Laughing Skull last night, and I’d been wanting to hit that stage again, so I agreed. A) Since it was last-minute (like two hours before showtime), none of my friends could come, and B) I obviously couldn’t drink. So I sat at a candlelit table…by myself…with my chlorophyl water. And officially deemed myself the #BiggestLoserEver.
Oh, and clearly I started my set with, “Hi everyone. I’m on a 5-day f*cking juice cleanse, so it will be a miracle if I make it through this set without peeing my pants, aaaand I want to punch you all in the face for having alcoholic beverages.” I think someone in the back half-laughed.
2. #JobHazards. This week for DailyCandy, I had to go through wedding cake pictures for our upcoming nuptials guide (CAKE, are you kidding me?!), write about the effing Atlanta Cheese Festival (oh what I would do for a
slice pound of Manchego right now), and answer emails with subject lines like “Girl Scout Cookies” (I’m talking to you, Katharine at The Reynolds Group, you byotch). I was thisclose to quitting my editor position with an “I just can’t do this anymore!” dramatic email exit, but thankfully, I took a swig of my orgasm juice almond milk and talked myself off the ledge. You’re welcome, Atlanta.
3. #CarTrouble: If you’re on the go like me (read: running late all the time), this juice thing is pretty clutch. Grab a bottle on the way to a meeting/workout class/AA session/whatever, chug it in the car, and BOOM: Most convenient meal ever. However, if you’re anything like me in the car cleaning (or lack thereof) department, you know this means your whip is gonna’ look like this by week’s end…
(Well, minus the drunk person.)
4. #Instagram. Clearly I’m not going to stop looking at Instagram because I need my puppy/bunny fix, but every time someone posts a delicious picture of a burger, dessert, or even a casserole and writes hashtag #FoodPorn, I want to write HASHTAG #GOF*CKYOURSELF.
But because I’m not a total dick, I just write “Stop” and they think I’m being cute like, “OMG STOP IT, that looks so delicious!” but I’m really like, “No seriously, stop. Take that down.”
5. #LifeQuestions: There is a very serious dilemma when you start a 5-day juice cleanse on a Monday. Do you……drink on Friday night?! Is the cleanse technically “over” after your last juice (which you COULD push up to 5 p.m.)? Or should it go until Saturday morning (and then, what’s the protocol on a coffee with double shot of Bailey’s at sunrise)? Do you really have to withstand another night (and ON A WEEKEND) of staying in so you won’t be tempted by stiff cocktails and the tantalizing smell of solid, cooked food? I mean, I would never go balls-out with my standard 17 vodka sodas, 12 Fireball shots, and late-night-peanut-butter-from-the-jar routine straight off a juice cleanse, but a nice glass of Pinot Noir with a fistful of cheese might be nice. Wish me luck with this life-changing decision.
And now, let’s talk to Liza about her problems….
6. #SurpriseBacon: I never intended to go within a 100-yard radius of such tempting morsels of pork, but alas, it came out of nowhere. Here I was, juice in hand, on a video shoot in a friend’s home, trying to distract his dog from walking through the shot. He provides the solution of, “Just grab the bag of bacon out of the fridge and give the dog a piece.” Without thinking, I open the Ziploc bag… and immediately go weak in the knees. The smell, you guys! I honestly had forgotten how overpowering the smell of bacon could be. Even this day-old, refrigerator-cold, slightly soggy bacon meant for a f*&king DOG. I don’t know who was more pathetic: Me? Or Baxter here desperately licking his chops?
7. #BrokenRecord: On a normal basis, I like to think I have pretty stimulating conversational topics to offer. This week: Not so. People want to either ask me about how I feel on the juice cleanse (“Pretty great, despite being crippled by bacon.”) Or if they can taste one of my juices (“Fine… but only a TINY sip!”) Or worse, what food I miss the most (“How much time you got?”) I feel like a really, really healthy broken record. And we still have another 36 hours.
8. #RecyclingDay: QUESTION: What do you get when you go through six bottles of juice (+ two waters) for three days straight without a recycling day?
My recycling guy is going to LOVE me by the end of this.
9. #RoadTrips: Word to the juicing wise, DO NOT GO ON ROAD TRIPS. A) You have to pee pretty much every 45 minutes. B) You either need to over-prepare with a cooler full of juice in your passenger seat…or be ready to find yourself in a state of hangry panic when you’ve run out of your “stash” that was supposed to last you through the middle of Nowheresville, GA.
10. #GasStationSnacks: So when you find yourself in a state of hangry panic, the last place you want to end up is a gas station looking for raw, healthy snacks. Actually, I take that back… maybe the dumpster behind McDonald’s could be worse. But alas, I had no choice while trekking through Nowheresville for a work thing, so I luckily found a RaceTrac with a “healthy” section of fruit cups, trail mixes, and “Lite ‘n’ Spicy” pork rinds (mmmm…). I opted for a bag of almonds and some apple slices, which I felt pretty good about … until reading the apple “ingredients.” Yes, plural. Apparently chemicals are added—as they dutifully explained in the list—“to enhance their whiteness and keep their texture.” WTF? Is nothing* sacred in this world?!
*Does not include bacon. Bacon is most definitely sacred.