500_days_of_summer

trey captainHey gals. Your new bestie Tom here. I want to give you a smidge of advice and share the story of how the most attractive girl on this sweet Earth rejected me when I asked her out, BUT made feel like a million bucks at the same time. Now, you might not know this, but rejection sucks, especially from the girl I was destined to marry. So listen lover bags, and I will tell you the most perfect sentence to use when some douche asks you out and you have zero interest. The PROBLEM is that most chicks f*ck this up, and the dude stalks them for the next several weeks or decades. If you want to know how to turn a guy down without making him suicidal and not come across as a total bitch, stay tuned, because I have six words just awaitin’ to share. But first, the love story…

About a half a century ago before flip phones and Napster, I was a young, spry gentleman looking for love. I was fresh out of college and working as a professional mascot. Yes, you read that correctly. A professional mascot. This loosely translates into: “Didn’t get into veterinarian school and couldn’t get a real job so had to wear a costume with a bird head and sweat my balls off for $13k a year complete with no benefits or friends.”  The only perk to this nightmare was the cheerleaders had to talk to me. This obviously worked out well because I am still single 54 years later. You do the math.
freddieANYWHO, I had to do an appearance at a local hospital one Saturday morning as the aforementioned bird and was instructed to give a new cheerleader a ride. So I pick this fox up, and when I say she was attractive, MY GOD. She was so hot as balls. We hit the hospital and got along wonderfully. All my jokes were on point and I was completely in love. On the way home and after three hours of self-talk affirmations to myself, I mustered up the courage to ask her out. Playing it as smooth as a gravel road, I laid this jewel on her: “Want to go to a movie sometime?”

BOOM! THERE IT IS, WOMEN! SO SEDUCTIVE, SO SMOOTH! EAT YOUR HEART OUT, RYAN GOSLING.

And then she said the seven words that ruined my life but were simply amazing…

But before I tell you the magical seven words to use when asked out by a loser–the same seven words that altered my future forever–let me tell you what NOT to say and why. Do not say “I have a boyfriend,” or “I am busy,” or “Maybe” or “No, you fat asshole.”  All of these (sans the fat one), leave the dude with some hope that one day you might go out with them (we are pathetic, I know).

Instead, please for the love our sanity, say what my almost-future-wife said to me on that tragic Saturday…

“I am flattered, but no thank you.”

There it is, ladies. It is sincere, it is polite, and it is final. This leaves no uncertainty, AND you look like a princess. If more chicks would just say those seven words when asked for their phone number or on a date, there would be less stalkers in the world, less confusion, less awkward texting, less unreturned calls, less BS.  Now, I know there are some fellas who simply do not take no for an answer and will require a restraining order, but this should work like a champ on normal dudes. If no one ever asks you out, this was a useless story for you.

Love is a battlefield.

LYLAS,
Tom

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Photo courtesy of Curtis Compton, AJC

Comments

  1. […] a week). After realizing “zoo keeper” might not be the most fulfilling career move, I became a professional mascot (read: cheerleader that didn’t make the squad). So, I didn’t become a vet or […]

  2. […] antibiotic prescription on Halloween is your costume. I have been wearing costumes since the womb (and even got paid to do it, remember?), so I am an official […]

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Guys + Dating, Stories

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