Who let the dogs out? An EPIC SONG from the Baha Men, one of the greatest bands of all times except Wilson Phillips. Speaking of dogs and men from Baha, I am a true animal expert. My love of the animal kingdom led me to study pre-vet at Auburn University where, after two attempts, I did not get into vet school. They mentioned something about “poor grades” and “Why did you get a D in English?” whatever that means. Therefore, I graduated with a zoology degree (read: completely useless in the real world) and interned at the Atlanta Zoo (read: cleaned up gorilla feces five days a week). After realizing “zoo keeper” might not be the most fulfilling career move, I became a professional mascot (read: cheerleader that didn’t make the squad). So, I didn’t become a vet or millionaire or husband or …sorry, I digress. But this ZOOLOGIST has worked with animals and dogs for much of his youth. And by work, I mean cleaned kennels. Billions of them. True story: I once had to clean the byproduct of a dog that ate an entire box of crayons. It was art.
Anyway, I DO KNOW ANIMALS, and I have a magical gift of being able to tell everything about a girl just by the kind of pet she has. I am sure some of you ladies can do the same for dudes. For example, I probably had 30 snakes, a tarantula, and a skunk when I was in college. Guess how many girlfriends I had? Yep, almost one. See? It’s easy.
First, let’s cover animals in general, then dive into the different breeds of dog. We’ll start with the obvious: The cat. If ol’ gal owns a feline, she probably has a few screws loose. If she owns multiple cats, a cat run, four or more scratching posts, and buys 87 pounds of kitty litter a month, that means she talks to make-believe friends and eats couch foam.
Cats are literally trained to shit in the house and live 20 years. I’ll pass.
How ’bout a ferret? If a girl owns a ferret (or harem of ferrets), she probably never bathes and loves Krystal burgers by the bag load. Those creatures smell like burnt socks and used condoms. There is not enough Axe body spray on God’s green Earth to diffuse ferret fumes.
Know any chicks who own birds? Doubt it. The only people who talk to chicks with birds are birds. If I ever hooked up with a girl (hypothetically) and her bird started talking to me in a man’s voice, I would cry.
If a girl has a snake, she had Daddy issues, and if her pet is a turtle, she’s probably a tranny.
A fish equals commitment issues, and hamsters mean she has four children she failed to mention on her ChristianMingle profile.
Girls who have horses are pretty cool (I guess?), but they come from money because you can’t buy a damn pony at PetSmart. So if your whole apartment is Ikea and you get your Ralph Lauren shirts from the outlet, don’t even bother.
Then there are girls with bunnies who are just trying to land more Instagram followers. I had a bunny once. It scratched the piss out of me and produced 8 metric tons of shit (excuse me, DROPPINGS) a day. Useless.
One of my ex-girlfriends always wanted a sugar glider, which is a flying rat/squirrel-like varmint of some kind.
We broke up. By we, I mean she broke up. Whatever, I was a mascot clearing 12K a year pre-tax. Her new boyfriend hates me. And is rich. She probably has a horse now.
Now, the only acceptable pet a normal girl can own is a dog. However, the breed of dog speaks volumes about her. A gal with a tea cup Yorkie thinks she is a model, but is usually just a douchebag. If she’s not a full-blown douchebag, then she reeks of high-maintenance.
A lady with a lab or golden retriever is pretty cool, but most likely only has sex missionary. If a girl has a dalmatian, she is probably handicapped or has a learning disorder. (Am I allowed to say that?)
Chicks with chows live in trailers and don’t wear shoes much. Females who own any of the terrier breeds are typically rich, and gals with chihuahuas usually have fake breasts. I have no idea why, but it is true. Border collies? She is a genius and works for Google. Pit bull? She probably has a boyfriend and he has been to jail before. Now, if a gal owns one of those big ass poodles with the fancy haircuts, then she is pretty rad. If she dyes it or gets it groomed to look like a member of the Jackson 5, she is hilarious and fun (or a total weirdo).
Finally, I would marry any chick with a Great Dane. They are the coolest dogs on earth.
In my opinion, the smaller the dog, the crazier the girl. And I’m sure every female reader hates me now. However, I love each and every one of you. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m off to buy a sugar glider.
Tom the Zoologist
*Cat photo courtesy of peoplepets.com