selfie

Holy piss! The Internet fouled up and went bananas last week and my selfie article scored a hella-trillion hits. That is West Coast speak, folks. Who says hella? Who cares. Some fancy reports are showing over 25 people actually read it. Call Guiness Book of World Records and tell those stupid yahoos to catch a bus to Atlanta because shit just got real.   Let’s put aside the fact that I am a horrid speller of words and arguably mentally handicapped for a moment and breathe in the fact that half of China and the majority of Alabama now knows about the worst types of selfies. First of all, thank you. It made me feel like I almost have friends. Second, WTF? Ol’ editor Hess was so happy she went to Paris to see how much wine the human body could consume without exploding. I went to LA and stayed in a shanty hotel with a dolphin lover and a crack whore screaming at the police outside my window (see: crack whore). Such is the life of billionaire bloggers.

We did capture a few new selfies for you folks on our travels. Being a superstar A-lister has its perks. For starters, how about a coach ticket, middle seat, and private bathroom on AirTran, the most luxurious airline in the world?

Airplane Bathroom + Wall Hand Selfie:
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Airplane Bathroom Duck Face Bedroom Eyes Selfie (add unbrushed hair + fancy French sign in the background):
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And for a selfie that only really rich people will understand…

The Very Last Seat on the Airplane Selfie:
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Once in LA, I went ahead and dropped $15 on an entree at a super high-end restaurant that also provides up close encounters with dazzling wildlife AT NO EXTRA CHARGE!

Random Bird Duck Face Selfie:
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Hess saw a polar bear reading a book in Paris.

Polar Bear Reading a Book Partial-Duck Face Selfie:
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Pre-made deserts? Hell no. Serve me the finest chocolate in liquid form.

Blurry Chocolate Wonder Bar Squint Eye Selfie:
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Hess got a friend to capture the exceptionally rare DESSERT SELFIE (you need a few extra hands for this doozy):
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She even got a French waiter to selfie. (Thinking she had to offer up a hand job for that one.)

French Waiter Selfie:
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Many of you have been tagging me in amazing selfies on Facebook and Instagram which confirms the world is a disaster. Now, I still have more topics I want to cover in upcoming articles such as “why all humans hate baby showers” and “why girls cry about everything,” but lets just relish in the bliss of superstardom for minute. Hess said we  went viral so I decided to get tested. Still waiting on the results.

I can’t believe the post has over 700k likes on Facebook; the equivalent to the entire population of Canada and New Hampshire combined. If that bitch hits a million likes I’m going to Applebee’s AND I am going to take two friends. Spare no expense. The good news is I now have 14 Facebook friends and almost figured out how to use Twitter. Hess, on the other hand, got yelled at by one of the girls in the article, and is trying to figure out how to bed Tribble Reese. She is also getting our wax figures made for Ripley’s Believe it Or Not museum in Nebraska. Life is clearly on the up and up for us and I anticipate a lease on a certified, pre-owned Saturn in the future. It is fun being rich as balls. Please continue wasting your time reading my articles full of useless information and generally two to three horrid pictures of my loathsome body. We are a family now.

Yours Truly,
Hipster Venice Beach Vegan Selfie Tom
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Please feel free to reach out to me on social media and let me know how stupid I am:
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Pop Culture + Social Media, Travel

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