The 40 Year Old Virgin

Editor’s note: When one of my good girlfriends posted a Facebook status about her husband waiting in line for a video game release, I was like, Wait, am I friends with a gamer? Then I was like, Am I friends with a MARRIED gamer? Then I promptly emailed him and said, “You need to write a piece on why the f*ck guys play video games. And try not to be a dick about it to my lovely female readers.” Below is the educational outcome.

Hello, Witty and Shitty (what?).

Your new BFF Jon Stennis here to talk about selfies video games. Not too long ago, I made it public that I was amongst a nerd herd chock full of cystic acne and chin beards in line for a midnight release of a new video game. As I pondered if this was a rock bottom experience, I looked around and realized that I, unlike most of this crowd, had felt boobs, had a job, and actively participate in post-marital sex. I then came to the conclusion that I was a member of an extremely closeted group of men: Gamers with Girls. We are an isolated group; society doesn’t accept us due to negative stereotypes and general misunderstanding. I’ve decided to reach out and appeal to the 14 women who read this website by openly discussing gaming rumors to let other #GamersWithGirls AND their girls (or future girls) know that it does can get better.

Let me address some of the common concerns:

1. Why does my guy spend more time on Xbox than in my box?
I’ll tell you why, needy sweetie–because video games are constantly adding new tricks and features.  When was the last time you brought some thing new to the table (or bed)? I spend 60 hard-earned dollars on a game and I know exactly what I’ll be getting in return. Whereas with you I can funnel money into an extravagant night out on the town with horse drawn carriage, private screening of some weird French film, and a fancy Motel 6 suite, but it’s still a crap shoot if you’re going to be in “in the mood” or not.  I don’t have to ask my Xbox how it’s day was to turn it on. So ladies don’t make it about yourself, instead of asking “Why?” ask “What?” as in “What could I do to be more entertaining?” Maybe next time your dude is cussing out a 12-year-old playing Call of Duty, put on something sexy (flannel nightgown), saunter into the room, and see what happens next. Hint: Intercourse.

2. Violent video games make violent people.
Oh.

Well under that logic, playing sports games should make you a professional athlete. Call me crazy, but I haven’t seen anyone from PlayStation making Sportscenter’s Top 10 list.

Probably not gonna’ see this specimen in the next NFL draft, but he’s damn good at Madden:
video gamer
3. Gaming makes you anti-social.
Yes, the majority of gamers are anti-social, but that is due to poor eating habits and crippling self-esteem issues, not video games. Clearly your guy is not anti-social because of those factors if you’re dating him (right?). No dude with a girlfriend/wife/mistress is anti-social, unless of course said female’s public behavior is so terrible that the gentleman cannot go out in public from fear of Ms. Bottle-Of-White-Zin-Before-Dinner making a tear-filled scene over him “flirting with the waitress” when asking her what beers are on draft.

Plus, you just spent 6 hours watching Real Housewives of Whatever on the couch by yourself. Maybe you’re the anti-social one.

4. I feel like I’m being ignored when my man plays video games.
That’s because you are. It’s nothing personal. Between checking Facebook and really long bathroom breaks to beat Angry Birds levels, most dudes do actually work 3-4 hours a day, so we need to take a load off when we get home. So let us come in, hit the couch, and pick up a controller. There will be plenty of time for you when we try to guilt you into a hook-up right as you’re trying to fall asleep.

If you’re really tired of being “ignored,” don’t bring up the video game. Instead, put on a sexy (but not skanky) outfit and casually tell your dude you’re going out with the girls. Even ask him if he needs a beer before you head out.

He’ll pay attention.

5. Video games are dumb; I don’t get it.
Remember when you read the 50 Shades of Grey series and we tried all that weird stuff until that night I got carried away and we didn’t talk for a week?

I digress.

But that’s how dudes feel about video games. We are not asking you to get it; we just want you to accept it. Video games are fun; they give us the opportunity to act out scenarios we can’t legally/physically do in the real world. If I went on a rampage and shot up and entire city with a bazooka in real life, I’d get in a tiny bit of trouble, but online I get rewarded with extra points. There is a very small chance I will ever actually get recruited by the Marines to fight an alien invasion on earth, but thanks to the good people at Xbox Live I can do that every Saturday.
Call of Duty: Black Ops
And just so you know, you spend a lot of time doing things we don’t understand and/or give a f*ck about. Case in point: Pinterest.

Bottom line: Unless your guy is jobless, plays video games 18 hours a day, doesn’t bathe, and literally refuses to speak to you, cut him a break. Next time your dude picks up his controller and your need to nag comes rushing in, either go reorganize your Pinterest wedding board, or follow these three steps you learned back in elementary school: STOP (your urge to argue), DROP (your top), and ROLL (onto the bed with him).  He’ll be going after your high score immediately.

Lilacs,
Stennis