Put on some slow jams, grab your lotion/lube (or whatever), and get ready for a whole lotta’ lust.

It comes courtesy of a friend who I both love and hate because she posts pictures that make me hate my life since I’m not eating what’s she’s eating, force me to lick my computer screen (not recommended), and give me multiple foodgasms. Friends, meet culinary queen Parker Wallace of What’s On Parker’s Plate as seen on CBS Atlanta.

Of course, I made her do the ever-so-popular Duck Face Turkey Leg Selfie (which I’m surprised we’ve never seen Paula Deen post on Instagram):
parker
The decadent dishes and desserts she makes are, in a word, f*cking ridiculous. Oh, that was two words. She also claims to eat the food she makes (well most of it; some of it she just feeds to her badass boyfriend) and stays thin. I know. WTF. But she’s going to reveal how she makes that magic happen in her e-cookbook “Eat Rich, Stay Skinny,” debuting December 1. In the meantime, feast on the photos below.

Guacamole and Cream Cheese Stuffed Bacon Bites
bitesI mean…what?! Who even thinks of that!? From here on out, I refuse to eat bacon unless it’s stuffed with guac.

Bourbon Banana Bread (recipe)
breadBourbon for breakfast? Duh. Good luck going back to regular banana bread after knowing this exists.

Zero Carb Chicken (pork rind and parmesan crust)
chickenGreatest food invention since the sandwich? I THINK SO.

Jambalaya and Cornbread
1470308_10202314622684301_558171677_nHow do I put this? I WANT TO RUB THIS ALL OVER MY FACE.

Bite Sized Chocolate Chip Cookies (made with sweetened condensed milk)
cookieIn Parker’s words, “hot gooey damn.” If God himself baked cookies in heaven, I think this is what he would make. (Wait, do you think he does?)

Chili-laya (recipe)
Screen Shot 2013-11-27 at 10.01.46 PMGood God. Also, I guarantee there’s a little ghetto girl out there named Chili-laya.

Pork Roulades Stuffed With Mushroom Apple Chutney, Pine Nuts and Smoked Gouda
Screen Shot 2013-11-27 at 10.07.22 PMPork. Wrapped in bacon. Stuffed with cheese. (Don’t worry, the mushrooms and apples make it healthy.)

Maple Sweet Potatoes with Caramelized Onion and Bacon (recipe)
sweetpotsI make sweet potatoes all the time. They look like dog sh*t compared to this.

Mexican Man Breakfast (puff pastry stuffed with cheese, topped with seasoned ground beef, roasted corn and jalapeños, homemade guacamole and salsa)mex breakfastI had to put on my stretchy pants just to look at this photo.

Punkin’ Pie with Gingerbread Crust
pieCan we all agree that pumpkin pie should never NOT be made with gingerbread crust?

Roasted Walnut and Gorgonzola Stuffed Figs Wrapped in Proscuitto
figsAgain with the rapping wrapping! Parker is the Jay-Z of cooking with meat.

And in case you haven’t climaxed yet…

The OMG Bars (recipe)
1476128_10202317245389867_1278866014_n

You just humped the screen, didn’t you?

Stay tuned for more #PornByParker and info on her e-book. And follow her on Instagram @parkersplate (if you think you can handle it).

LYLAS,
Ashley

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Food + Drink

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