Forget Bound 2 parodies (so two weeks ago), articles about selfies (so last month), and Doge (WTF is that anyway?). The best thing on the Internet, especially around the holidays, is Home Alone analysis. OBVIOUSLY, Home Alone is the best holiday movie ever made (although I still can’t watch Marv step on those broken ornaments without dry heaving) and one of the best movies ever made, period. But there are just so many things to examine and analyze in this INTENSE FILM, and funny folks all over the Internets have done just that. Here are the best of the best.
1. Bothersome scenes….like when Kevin doesn’t eat the mac ‘n’ cheese!!!!!! “Kevin has enough time to sit in church during a choral rehearsal listening to an alleged shovel-murderer yammer on about his estranged son, then manages to turn his home into the frickin’ Temple Of Doom in an hour, but he doesn’t have time to take ONE BITE of his delicious-looking macaroni dinner so he isn’t starving to death while attempting to maim adults?” Well said, CollegeHumor (read more here). I have issues when people waste food in real life (if someone doesn’t finish a dessert and the waiter comes to take it, I will physically intercept it), and I am just as affected when they waste an ENTIRE delicious meal in a movie. One bite, Kevin. You could have taken one bite.
Gif by mandatory.com
2. Marv and Harry would be so dead after like, 2.5 of those booby traps. Yeah yeah yeah, it’s a movie, we get it, but still. It’s fun (or morbid?), to ponder what those injuries would do to a human in real life. The nail to Marv’s foot, I can’t even. In one of my favorite articles, a doctor weighs in. For example, the blowtorch to Harry’s head: “Rather than remove himself from danger, he keeps the top of his skull directly in the line of fire for about seven seconds. What was likely a simple second-degree skin burn is now a full thickness burn likely to cause necrosis of the calavarium (skull bone).” In other words, Harry is f*cked.
3. THE ULTIMATE CONSPIRACY THEORY. Uncle Frank was behind everything, you guys. Just soak that in really quickly because you know it makes total sense considering what an asshole he was the entire movie (“Oh, you left your child home alone? Well I forgot my reading glasses.” DICK.) In this brilliant piece by Home Alone expert/hilarious writer/my new Twitter friend Rob Fee, he lays it allllll out…and it will blow your motha’ effin’ mind.
4. How can Buzz’s girlfriend be that heinous? I mean, Buzz was no looker, but still…I don’t think any male (even a horny teenager) would FRAME a photo of a woofer like that. Well, ladies and gents, it actually WASN’T a female…because God just isn’t that mean. The directors thought it would be cruel to make fun of a lady like that (true), so the photo is a boy dressed up like a girl. PHEW. More fun facts like that here.
Photo from Buzzfeed.com
5. What if Kevin McCallister had Instagram? This…is a doozy. Rob Fee outdid himself with an article predicting @KevMcC1990’s Insta account complete with hashtags AND Emojis (but no black person because well, you know). This one gets me every time…
6. Why the F did they go to France? First of all, that family is rich as balls to fly 20 people international during peak travel time. Secondly, why would you WANT to bring a bunch of kids to France? You know they’d rather be in Disney World (except that one girl who said les incompetents). And lastly, it didn’t even look that enjoyable–at one point, they’re all crowded in an apartment with nothing in English on television. NIGHTMARE.
If she’s speaking the truth, let me know. But I still think bringing that many bratty kids to Paris is a bad idea. But then again, what do the McCallisters know about parenting?
Happy holidays, ya’ filthy animals.