What I’m about to admit is something I’m not proud of…but I know I’m not the only one.
Wait for it.
I HAVE BEEN WATCHING THE BACHELOR FOR 11 YEARS.
Sweet Jesus of Nazareth. I haven’t even been drinking (legally) for 11 years. But yet here I am, 30 years old, getting excited about f*cking Juanuary. FML.
You guys, The Bachelor is absolutely ridiculous and we all know it. It’s the fattest of fatass elephants in the room when it comes to the TV world because the whole point is that a couple is supposed to get married, yet in 17 seasons, not one couple has ever made it to the altar (sorry, I’m not counting Jason “Man Cry” Mesnick; and Sean Lowe, you’re not wedded just yet).
That’s right. Success rate: 0%. Which is weird because the girls get to date the guy for like, THREE MONTHS, going on a total of like, SEVEN DATES (if they’re lucky), which are all magical fantasies they could probably never plan or afford in real life. To top if off, they’re secluded from the real world and the dude is dating a bunch of other chicks at the same time. How do these couples NOT work out?
Not to mention, the show has barely changed one ounce over the years, from the helicopters to the hometown dates to the exact words Chris Harrison says at every single rose ceremony. And every season, he tells us it’s the “most dramatic ever,” so at this point, he’s just straight up lying to our faces.
But we continue to eat it up. And every season as I sit down for the premiere, ready to watch awkward introductions in prom dresses and at least one girl get blackout drunk, I ask myself, “Why am I still watching this stupid ass show?”
1. The pure entertainment value of desperate girls. There has been a one-hour preview of this season and I’ve already heard girls wistfully saying they’re ready to settle down (at 24), wanting “the fairytale,” (barf) and complaining their eggs are drying up (ladies, for the love of God, never say that to a man…or out loud). Watching two dozen girls pathetically chasing the same man they all think is “The One Juan” is the most amazing disaster you could ever witness. Because with that, comes…
2. The DRAMA (duh). The cat fights, the shit talking, the back stabbing, the lesbian encounters (what?). It’s inevitable, it’s awesome, and it makes us feel good about our own lives because we don’t act like those crazy bitches (well, most of us). And once we figure out who the Tierra of the group is (read: main instigator/drama queen/injury faker), and the bachelor keeps giving her roses while the other girls spend 98% of their days talking about her “split personality” and conspiring against her: GOLD.
3. Seeing (and critiquing) what the ladies wear on dates. We’re girls. We like fashion. And we know we can count on The Bachelor contestants to have spent their life savings on a new wardrobe and pull out ALL the stops, especially if they suspect a helicopter might be in their future. And when they wear something heinous/unflattering/white trash…yeah we talk shit. SO SUE US.
4. The dates. Most of us common folk don’t get to take a helicopter up to the top of a volcano then ride an elephant down to a private cabana where there is a five-star dinner and bottles of Veuve being served by monks while Justin Timberlake performs in the background. So we get to live vicariously through The Bachelor. Also, every once in a while (when the show’s editors let us have it), we get an awkward, cringey date moment. And there is nothing better.
5. Girls getting their “hearts broken” after one date. Oh you’re heartbroken? After going on one date with a stranger and a camera crew? Shut up, asshole. For once, I would just love to hear a chick say, “We went on a date and it didn’t work out. Big deal. Let’s just pray these f*cking prom dresses are returnable at Dillard’s.”
6. The traditions. I’ve watched plenty of Bachelor episodes alone on my couch (did I just admit that?), but most of the time nowadays, I watch with my bestie Kate, and in the past, I’ve had other viewing groups. It’s always a fun-filled bonding experience when girls get together to watch the show and eat hummus and cheese, plus it gives you something to look forward to on a MONDAY (thank God), and, as if I need to say it, there’s wine involved (or margaritas for Juanuary). Who would give up a ritual like that?
7. Social media. I’ve live tweeted many a Bachelor/Bachelorette episode (wow, I just keep sounding cooler) and I love following and interacting with funny folks who do the same. You’re part of something with the rest of the Internet world, you laugh at others’ outlooks and share your own (“Ohmygod, did she really just say she was a virgin until two weeks ago!? #WTF #ICantEven”), and if you’re a blogger/writer/social media person, you can say it’s “work.”
And last but not least (well maybe least)…
8. Deep down, we all want true love (right?). As if it’s not obvious, I’m not a hopeless romantic or sappy girl by any stretch, but even I have my “awww” moments whilst watching this stupid show. (Remember when Brad broke all the rules and told Emily he loved her!? I died.) As cheesy and unrealistic and UNSUCCESSFUL as The Bachelor may be, it’s still about finding love at its core, and you have to admit that’s a beautiful thing.
But not nearly as beautiful as drunk girls crying on the bathroom floor.
Get ready, everyone. This season just might be the MOST DRAMATIC juan yet….