Crazy weather makes people do crazy things. And by things, I obviously mean tweets. Thanks to the POLAR VORTEX, the Twitterverse is exploding with all kinds of commentary from chilly folks. Let’s meet them.
1. The Survivalist
This fella is either a former Navy Seal or saw a movie about Navy Seals, and therefore is about to attempt a survival move so he doesn’t get hand hypothermia. Let’s hope there are no children around.
2. The Criminal
Honestly, I would probably hand over my wallet and my Plan B if threatened with a bucket of water in 10 degree temps. And if this dude gets caught, he can be like, “Officer, I was totally joking, but they just handed me their wallet and ran away.” He is a fucking genius.
3. The Man Whore
This lady killer wants you to know that HE GETS AROUND, so therefore is missing comfy loungewear because us greedy bitches love to steal that shit (SO SUE US). I’m literally wearing an ex’s sweatshirt as I type. Sorry, Tim.
4. The YOLOer
You only live once so you may as well key a car with a rock hard nipple. What?
5. The Exaggerator
Hey Devin. Have you ever been banged in the head with a bat? Because I promise you it LITERALLY hurts worse than THE WEATHER. I ain’t lie.
6. The Dexter
I mean, she’s right. Ladies, if you stole someone’s boyfriend recently or tagged a double chin pic of your friend on Facebook, WATCH YOUR BACK.
7. The Freakshow
What the fuck is happening here and what the fuck is a boli? If it’s a new drug the kids are using, I don’t even want to know.
8. The Comedian
Every once in a while, someone posts an LOLer like this.
9. The Bitter Married Person
First of all, what? Second of all, get a divorce. Third of all, it’s “you’re.”
10. The California Prick
Typical #SoCal douche. F you, Don Watkins. And your Old Navy sweater.
11. The Guy Who Has No Idea What He’s Talking About
Nick, get a clue…and a non-selfie pic. It’s the first week of January. Us girls can’t even fit into our jeans yet from the holidays. If need be, we’ll wear yoga pants or leggings with ski pants over them.
12. The Too Cool for Cold
Hey guess what, you tweeters who think you’re soooo hilarious? Your sarcastic posts about people posting thermometer pics have officially gotten more tired than people actually posting thermometer pics. Congrats.
13. The Racist
Listen, black people. I know you think white people are crazy, but wearing shorts in this weather? Come on now. That’s like saying we all listen to Michael Bolton and wear New Balances.
14. The Democrat
Wonder if he’s tried to get Obamacare yet.
And last but CERTAINLY not least…
15. The Idiots
God bless America.
Yes, it’s been brutal (both the cold and the tweets), but warmer temps are on the way (#YOLO, BITCHES!) If you need breaking weather updates, just check Twitter.
Tweet me your weather tweets so I can make fun of them @AshHess.