When I first heard the Olympics were in Sochi, I was like, Oh, Switzerland! Nice.
Then I realized it was Russia, and I was like, What? Aren’t they kinda’ corrupt? Well, whatever, I’m sure they’ve got it figured out.
I didn’t think much else of Sochi except that it was a cute name (like, for a Pomeranian), and then this week, I began to casually research.
And WHAT THE FUCK.
Is this city for real? Once I got rolling on CNN, HuffPo, and the real news sites like Gawker and Twitter, I was like a speed skater on meth. I haven’t been this obsessed with an Olympic trainwreck since Ryan Lochte.
Let’s check out the top 8 (like MySpace) reasons Sochi is absolutely batshit crazy.
1. Turns out Russia hates gays (who woulda’ thunk it?). Not only are they very open about their anti-gay laws (LAWS), but terrorists run around town beating up gay people and videotaping it. This article is not meant to be dark and upsetting…but that is dark and upsetting.
HOWEVER, Canada lightened the mood with this genius video (we miss you, Vancouver 2010). And they’re exactly right: “The games have always been a little gay. Let’s fight to keep them that way.”
And Google FOR THE WIN.
2. The city is NOT DONE. When did Sochi find out they’d be hosting the Olympics? Last month? Oh…no? Maybe in like, 2012 or something? Oh, not then either? NOPE, these assholes found out in 2007 they were hosting the biggest damn sporting event in the world and they didn’t FINISH THE CITY. There is construction and waste everywhere, and I think we’ve all seen the hilarious tweets from media folks who arrived to unfinished hotels.
So you think it’s because they ran out of money? That must be it.
They must have tapped out at 51 BILLION DOLLARS.
That’s right, Captain Putin and the frugal officials behind Sochi’s spending meant to spend $12 billion, but instead…
3. They spent more than $50 billion. Whoopsie! That is the most ever spent on the Olympic games and there is no way in
Russia hell they will see close to a return on that (because after this, I don’t think ANYONE is going to visit the place). To add insult to injury, so many of their own people are living in slums.
And after all that money, THEY DON’T EVEN HAVE ENOUGH PILLOWS.
4. Tag team toilets. This is one we’ve all seen, but yes, in Sochi, you always have to go number two.
5. They kill dogs. Apparently, there’s a stray dog problem (SHOCKER in this paradise of a city). As a solution, they brought in a “pest control” company to poison the dogs. Just poison them and let them die on the streets. Great idea. Because God forbid they build a shelter out of that 51 BILLION DOLLARS. I can’t.
6. They also want to kill the athletes. You guys, if you can believe it, I’m no professional snowboarder, but I do know that the slopestyle course Sochi has whipped up for these athletes is, simply put, a death trap. What, they had like, 238209834 injuries during practice rounds? Our favorite firecrotch Shaun White even refused to ride it, taking himself out of the running for a medal. Apparently, it’s a real collarbone breaker, but if you want to break your collarbone that badly, you can just tumble down a flight of stairs (ask my 4-year-old self).
Julian Finney / Getty images / February 4, 2014
7. They captured whales like assholes. Hey guys, guess what MOST PEOPLE WITH SOULS hate? Capturing an (almost) endangered species to put on display for crowd entertainment. Do you think the Sochi Olympics committee sat around and were like, “Hmmm, what should we do to piss everyone off and let them know we are a horrible breed of people? Should we open the ceremonies with a seal clubbing? Nah, too bloody. Lets capture some whales and make it #SeaWorldSochi up in this bitch!” Amazing idea. (PS, the final decision as of yesterday was that the orcas actually will NOT be on display, but they are still in captivity. Pray for them.)
8. They want the athletes to starve. Hey, guess what athletes need? Fuel. Lots of them like yogurt! Said Aksel Lund Svindal, the hot-as-balls Norwegian skier who crushed it at the 2010 Vancouver games: “That’s kind of my go-to thing every morning–muesli and natural yogurt.” Well sorry, Aksel and all you other dairy-loving competitors. Chobani (proud Olympic sponsor) sent more than 5,000 single-serve containers of tasty Greek yogurt in strawberry, blueberry, and peach flavors, as well as large cups of plain yogurt for smoothies, to power you guys through the games and Russia was all, “Like hell you’re getting that yogurt!” So now the 987394873984573 pounds of Greek goodness are sitting in a giant refrigerator somewhere while the Olympians eat dry granola.
JUST GIVE THEM THE DAMN YOGURT!
You guys, if no one dies from a toothpaste bomb, dog poison, a roof collapsing on them in their sleep, homophobic gang attack, or snowboarding on a roller coaster track, that will be the real win of the 2014 Winter Olympics.
*And for more #SochiFails, search that hashtag or follow @SochiProblems on Twitter. Or you know, just read the Internet.