Guess what, lovers? Engagement season is well under way and there’s nothing you can do to stop half of your Facebook friends from posting about how they’re so #blessed to be marrying their best friends and TV from showing the stupidest commercials of all time. But fellas, if you’re planning to pop the question, please consider the five worst places to propose.
1. A jewelry store. For the love of God, if you propose in Kay Jewelers, you better be fucking kidding (and if that’s your idea of a joke, please marry me).
But seriously, jewelry stores need to stop making these commercials, playing them on ESPN, and putting these insane ideas into impressionable mens’ heads. It’s like McDonald’s targeting children–just plain irresponsible advertising. Also, if you’re thinking it’s romantic to propose in Tiffany’s in Manhattan, you’ve seen one too many episodes of Sex and the City (which is unsettling if you’re straight), plus that store is an absolute clusterfuck of tourists, so you may as well get down on one knee whilst waiting in line at the Statue of Liberty.
2. In your skeevy apartment right after sex. I mean, if you have a ring and you and your lady have mind-blowing, passionate intercourse on your futon and you’re just so overwhelmed with emotion, you have to do it right then, then whatever, but you’re not giving her much of a #fairytale to tell (“I got on my knees, then he got down on his!!!”). I advise at least waiting until the morning with breakfast in bed. Or until you’re a grownup.
3. On a plane. Has this really ever happened, or did Jared just pull it out of their asses? And can they please fire whoever came up with this ridiculous concept?
For the love of Delta, do not propose on a damn airplane. Babies crying, the smell of fast food being unwrapped, the soothing sounds of annoyed passengers trying to jam their suitcases into the overhead bins. And then what–you get all excited for one of the best moments of your lives and you are told to take your seat for the next however-many hours? I’d rather lose my luggage.
4. Anywhere the girl can’t immediately grab you. Oh, she’s looking at you from a third story window and you hold up a ring and she has to squint to even see WTF you’re doing, then trek down two flights of stairs or take an elevator to even give you an audible answer and a damn hug?
Hey bro. That sucks.
Or she’s on a bridge and you’re underneath her in a boat. What? Stop. It’s going to take you like, 15 minutes to dock the thing and get to her, and if your nervous hands drop the ring in the water, you may as well just drown yourself.
5. In a restaurant. So you had your first date at T.G.I. Friday’s. Sparks flew over the loaded potato skins. You had butterflies as you sipped a 32-ounce mudslide. Listen, I’ve been there, too (in high school). But it doesn’t necessarily mean you should send out a ring atop the Oreo Madness and get down on one knee amongst the upper class individuals who frequent a fine establishment like that. I’m not a fan of restaurant proposals in general (chain or not); they seem so impersonal. But if you ARE set on it, at least make it a place with some significance to your relationship, even if you just boned down in the bathroom there (but as a rule, don’t pop the question with a toilet in sight).
Hopefully your proposal/future proposal is more romantic than these gems, but if he put a ring on it in Zales and y’all celebrated at Chili’s afterward, go ahead and hate on me in the comments (I’m used to it). Just keep in mind that if I do find my #PrinceCharming one day, he’ll probably propose to me in a Wal-Mart parking lot.
Stay #blessed everyone,
*Don’t hate me yet? Want more engagement snark? Read this (if you haven’t already).
*Facebook proposal pic from Reddit