Most girls, no matter how thin, have an inner fat kid who comes out on special occasions (read: when certain foods are presented to her). In honor of Fat Tuesday, I’d like to present these glorious bundles of empty calories.
5. Cheese dip and chips. Walk into a Mexican/Tex-Mex restaurant during happy hour/dinner and you’re guaranteed to see approximately 874 groups of girls. And it ain’t because they love Dos Equis drafts. It’s because they can ALL agree on cheese dip. They will come straight from spin class and crush baskets of chips soaked in creamy, dairy deliciousness, then order side salads for entrées (or nothing at all). The best part is even your fitness model friend who posts pictures of her kale salads and abs on Instagram can’t say no to the queso.
See also: Regular cheese. On any given girls night in (read: snacks, wine, and watching The Bachelor or the like), a single girl can put away at least a pound of brie without batting an eye.
4. Cupcakes. They were designed for ladies, just like Spanx, Emojis, and Volkswagen Beetles. Girls are drawn to cupcakes like they’re drawn to Ryan Gosling memes, and even with all the new, enticing pastries that come along (cake balls, we’re looking at you), cupcakes remain a classic. A girl can be on her 137th successful day of not eating sweets and you put a spread of Sprinkles in front of her and she will cave. If she doesn’t, take a closer look at her crotch area because I don’t believe she has a vagina.
(Click HERE for the 5 ways to eat a cupcake like a lady.)
3. Road trip snacks. When you’re on a road trip, calories don’t count (duh). The skinniest bitches will pile into a car driving a mere two hours away to a beach (where they will immediately be putting on bikinis) and still drop $84729384 at QuickTrip on Combos, Doritos, M&Ms, etc. and let that apple/banana they optimistically stuffed into their bag rot away.
And speaking of road trips…
2. Chick-fil-a. Show me a girl who doesn’t love Chick-fil-a and I will show you a dirty liar. You can be a clean-eating, anti-fast-food, gay-rights-supporting atheist and you will still indulge in that crack-laced #1 meal from time to time. True story: I was on a road trip with a girlfriend who had been vegetarian for 5+ years, and when I pulled into Chick-fil-a to get my fix, she (to my shock) got a sandwich…and loved it. Because SHE’S A LADY.
And the #1 time girls really overdo it…
1. Hungover brunch. The gal who orders one California roll and claims to be full on Saturday night can easily be the same girl who goes to brunch the next day and orders the biscuit basket (for herself), eggs Benedict and home fries, and a side of chocolate chip banana pancakes. The most dramatic starvation moment in a girl’s life is when she is waiting to be seated for hungover brunch. She will “literally die” if she doesn’t get food “like, yesterday”, so when she finally gets to order, it’s very similar to what one might request on death row. And when #AllTheFood comes, she will inhale it (after Instagramming, of course) because calories LITERALLY do not matter during hungover brunch.
Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to mop up the drool on my keyboard.