Recently, I did a post about the five fattest foods girls love to eat, and I think it got a pageview or two (million). Turns out, we ladies love feeding our inner fat girl and talking about it. But we all have an inner Gisele, too, and she likes to eat different stuff.
6. Gluten-free everything. Crackers, cookies, bread, Big Macs–there’s a gluten-free version of everything these days, and girls are scooping up these products like there are Beyonce tickets at the bottom. (Just kidding about the Big Macs…I think.) Apparently all girls have Celiac Disease and can’t have gluten. Chances are, half of them don’t even know what gluten is, but if you told them their salad had gluten in it, they’d think it was going to give them herpes.
5. Quinoa. I think half the reason girls order quinoa is just so we get to say it. Be honest–you feel like such a BOSS when you pronounce it correctly, because you know half the gals out there who aren’t half as classy as you still say “quinn-oh-uh.” When did quinoa start being cool? Around the same time as Paleo and rompers? Who knows, but I never grew up knowing what the hell the stuff was (and I’m still not quite sure), but you better believe I’ll re-pin recipes on Pinterest (that I’ll never make) and eat the bejesus out of it, hoping it’s not packed with 3945793487 carbs per ounce.
4. Hummus. How many times have you said or heard a girl say, “I’ll probably just have hummus for dinner.” How the F is that a dinner? Well it’s not. We know when we say it, we’ll be getting out the hummus with the crackers (gluten-free, of course!), cheese, pepperoni (turkey if you’re being skinny), approximately three baby carrots, and something sweet for dessert. Oh, and wine. You’re allowed to treat yourself to wine and dessert because you only had hummus for dinner. Yeah right.
(PS, is that the shittiest picture you’ve ever seen on Pinterest? Was it taken with a Blackberry camera? I’m surprised Pinterest didn’t take it down.)
3. Juices/smoothies. So you don’t exactly eat them, but they’re considered food (I think). If you have the Internet, you know that girls love (or pretend to love) juices, getting juices after working out and posting about it on Instagram, doing juice cleanses, and talking about doing juice cleanses. If a girl is doing a juice cleanse with her friend (#MoralSupport), don’t even attempt to talk to either of them because they only have stuff to talk about with each other until the cleanse is over (“How hangry are you? I just saw a Chili’s commercial and literally drooled on my iPad. How skinny do you feel? How many times have you peed today? I can’t even. Have you weighed yourself?”)
As for smoothies, we love them, too. And I’m not talking the sugar-laden, ‘90s smoothies from Smoothie King. I mean the kind that cost $10 ($12 if you want protein powder) and have weird-ass-shit in them like spirulina, maca, chia seeds, hemp, and algae. I just got a blender then went to Whole Foods to get all the stuff that’s in my favorite smoothie from Juicy Jenny and it was $50. FML.
2. Designer granola bars. Those cheap Nature Valley ones? Bitch, please. Plus, have you ever tried to eat one in the car? You will end up wearing more crumbs than a high chair at Golden Corral. These days, it’s all about Kind, Think Thin, Go Raw, etc. They’ll run you anywhere from $1.50 to $4+ a pop (or $37 if you’re at the airport). Start throwing a bunch into your basket at the grocery store and you’ll be sure to overdraft your checking account. But you’ll never go hangry whilst sitting in traffic.
1. Kale. I do like kale (as long as it’s been fully massaged so it’s not like a shrub going down my esophagus), but I decided to let my ol’ pal Nikky weigh in on this one: “I see Kale is on the up-and-up as plenty of people out there are pretending to like it. I’ve had kale once; it was a hybrid of Bermuda grass and construction paper. I tried it another time with a sauce, which tasted like yellow Triaminic. It is simply an awful thing and healthy people will tell you otherwise; however, my healthiest friends usually smell the worst. There are plenty of other delicious green things to eat. Do that instead.”
I see Nikky at Whole Foods at least once a week. I hope they let her come back after reading that.
So here’s to skinny eating (or at least pretending on social media)!
I want cheese dip.
Have a hankering for more snark and/or food pics? Follow on Instagram @AshHess.