I was on a bachelorette party this weekend in Charleston, and while I had an absolute blast, I couldn’t help but think how things had changed from the bachelorette parties I attended before I hit the big 3-0. For one, I still remembered my name on Sunday. And I didn’t have to take a Plan B. What?
Presenting the differences between bachelorette parties when you’re in your 20s and in your 30s…
20s: You pass out face down and wake up with mascara and bronzer all over your pillow and algae on your teeth.
30s: You wash your face and brush your teeth before laying your head to rest. Some of us…..even moisturize.
20s: The bride wears a bunch of shit ranging from penis veils, sashes, garters, feather boas, light-up rings, and tiaras. She looks like a walking Party City.
30s: The bride wears a designer dress. For the love of Herve Leger, do not attempt to attach any sort of tacky penis paraphernalia to her designer dress.
Paying at Dinner
20s: You get separate checks at dinner and/or spend 15 minutes of valuable shot-taking time trying to figure out/split the bill. At least two girls are having internal panic attacks because they’re probably about to overdraw (I would know).
30s: All the girls nonchalantly throw down their credits cards and are like, “Just split it or whatever,” then go back to talking about important stuff like, “What should our hashtag be?”
20s: 4-5 girls on the bachelorette party will hook up with randoms.
30s: 0-1 girl will hook up with a random.
20s: Someone has morning sickness because she’s hungover.
30s: Someone has morning sickness because she’s pregnant.
20s: You dance on any elevated surface you can find: Bars, tables, chairs, speakers, a midget’s shoulders, etc. And twerk.
30s: You keep your feet firmly on the ground and if you get low, your quads are going to be sore in the morning.
20s: Whatever any dudes will buy you. And Fireball.
30s: Wine, the restaurant’s overpriced signature cocktails, vodka sodas. And Fireball.
20s: ALL PENIS EVERYTHING. Cake, straws, balloons, confetti, ice cubes, lollipops, necklaces, piñatas, centerpieces, lipstick, etc. The most things to seductively lick for a photo to send to your on-again-off-again booty call, the better.
30s: Maybe a few penis straws if anyone feels like picking some up. For like, pregaming and stuff.
20s: Whatever is cheapest. Or the Marriott if the one “corporate” friend can use her company discount. And four to five to a room (more if you bring dudes back).
30s: A luxury hotel because, “This is her special weekend.” And you know someone will be all, “Not to be a snob, but four to a room is like, a little tight.”
20s: 80% of the girls are on their phones 90% of the time and don’t give a fuck. Until they drunkenly lose their phone/drop it in the toilet at the club then cry hysterically.
20s: Most of the girls are deathly afraid of getting pregnant.
30s: Most of the girls are deathly afraid of not getting pregnant.
Pump and Dump
20s: A girl has sex with a random and bolts before he can even get her number.
30s: One mom in the group will have to do this when she gets home because she just had three glasses of Chardonnay.
20s: Hard candies you put on a T-shirt and guys will suck them off during the night and give the bride crumpled $1 bills.
30s: Advil, a gallon of water before bed, Spanx.
20s: Someone is whining her skinny jeans don’t fit because of her “food baby” from lunch.
30s: Someone is whining her skinny jeans don’t fit because of her real baby from her husband’s sperm.
20s: Every piece of lingerie is lacy, pink, and from Victoria’s Secret. The bride will wear them once. Maybe.
30s: The bride-to-be gets a nice mix of classy-sexy and “sensible” pieces from Cosabella, Bloomingdale’s, Nordstrom, Eberjey, etc. and everyone is like, “Ohmygod, you’re totally going to wear that all the time.”
20s: Blow jobs, vibrators, doggystyle, dirty talk, penises, grooming, orgasms, etc.
30s: Blow jobs, vibrators, doggystyle, dirty talk, penises, grooming, orgasms, etc.
Thank God some things never change.