Oh, Tinder. The most genius, addicting, shallow app ever created. Swipe right if you think someone is attractive; swipe left if you don’t. Swipe all over your screen if you’re drunk and starting to lose control over your fingers….then wake up with a bunch of fours in your match queue who you thought were tens the night before. I think the app is great, and have gone on a few dates from it. I am not going to disclose information on said dates because then I will never get a date again.
But I have to say, I continue to be amazed/appalled at some of the profile pics. I mean, GUYS! You have ONE attempt to convince a female to talk/hang out/sleep with you and THAT is what you go with? I mean, not everyone can be a Ryan Gosling or David Hasselhoff lookalike, but put some effort into looking like a decent human specimen who’s not going to shove us in your trunk after we meet for “coffee.”
I compiled some of my top offenses that automatically get a swipe left from me (and most of my single girlfriends).
1. Photo with a girl. Guys, STOP! I don’t care if it’s your sister, second cousin, or BFF; your first profile photo should not be with a member of the opposite sex if you are trying to attract someone of the opposite sex. Literally get a brain.
2. Using a meme or celebrity photo or wearing a mask or whatever in EVERY PICTURE. If you are ashamed of the way you look, maybe you shouldn’t be on an app that is based on the way you look. Or just own it.
3. JUST your body/body part. Douche.
An Ivy-leaguer who brags about his dick size on a dating app? Doubtful. And no offense bro, but that’s not the belly of someone I’d consider “very fit” who goes to the gym five days a week. It looks like me after a big brunch.
6. A picture with your hands down your pants. Stop being a perv, you fucking perv.
7. A blurry “I don’t know how to take a photo” photo. We assume you do not know how to work technology, therefore you will not be able to call us to ask us out or send a decent sext ever, so we’re moving on. Oh, and we can’t tell what you look like either.
8. A bathroom mirror selfie. There are SO MANY of these and I will never swipe right to them (although I’m sure some girls do?). I mean, at least make sure the toilet isn’t in the shot. And your pants are buttoned (!?).
Even more confusing are mirror selfie PicStitches. Why?
9. A blank (or black) profile.
10. Group photos. The whole point of Tinder is snap (read: FAST) decisions. And now we have to scroll through your photos and try to crack the code of which dude you are?
The same goes for anything that looks like a cold sore on your mouth. Get some Abreva or find a friend with Photoshop.
12. A photo of you flipping us off. Add a cigarette just to secure that “NOPE.”
13. If you look gay, ie. your hands on your hips with one hip cocked to the side or licking a phallic item or another gay pose/situation. We don’t know you therefore we don’t know if you’re joking therefore we assume you’re gay and got Tinder mistaken for Grindr because, again–SNAP DECISIONS. Sorry.
15. With a kid……if you don’t have a kid. Listen, if you have children, you’re proud of them and it’s smart to put it out there so you don’t start talking to a woman who hates kids then you drop the bomb on your awkward first date that you have three toddlers at home. But if your very first picture is of you and a child, you may get swiped left before we even click on your profile where you’re all, “That’s just my niece.” Shut up, dummy. Choose a no-kid pic for your opener.
There are many more (feel free to share your favorites in the comments), so we may be due for a part deux, but these should suffice for now. And fellas, if you don’t give a shit what I have to say and want to keep using these type of photos, keep on DOING YOU, but I’m simply trying to provide some advice from female land to help get you laid.
And ladies, please swipe responsibly.
Likes pics and snark? Follow on Instagram @AshHess.