I hope this letter finds you well. I have come to the conclusion that…well…I have a male-to-male appreciation for you. Fuck it, a Man Crush. You see Sam, it appears that every female on Planet Earth (and possibly Venus) is in love with you and your songs instead of me. You have stolen the hearts of all the ladies (and possibly dudes), which leaves the rest of us high and dry. To make matters worse, I am not currently gay, which puts the likelihood of me scoring a relationship at about -7% plus or minus 45. I blame this on you, Sam Smith.
Sam, why or how does your voice do what it does? Did you have a hummingbird surgically implanted in your throat? Do you squeeze your own testicles to hit those beautiful high notes? Do your lungs magically turn air into amber waves of grain? What? Sorry.
Goddammit Sam, I even fought my own tears when I heard your cover of Whitney Houston’s “How Will I Know” (God rest her soul, and let The Bodyguard forever live on). There is no song you cannot sing and turn into a heart-melting ballad full of love and chocolate-covered unicorns. Well, maybe not “The Macarena.” God, I love “The Macarena.” Do you?
Do you get chill bumps when you sing? How often do you cry? Do your tears have electrolytes? I bet a vile of your tears would sell for all the Bitcoins in Finland.
However Sam, there are a few things I cannot see you doing. Like CrossFit. I also cannot see you boar hunting or scuba diving. Snorkeling? Maybe. Can we snorkel together sometime?
I occasionally try to imagine what your life is like, or more specifically, your home. I imagine it smells like vanilla and orchids and has well over 62,000 candles. Your bathtub is probably the size of a 4-car garage and stocked with a basket of multicolor flufas. Foufas? Poufas? FUPAs? Whatever. And God knows you have body lotions. And pet doves.
Sam, the bottom line is I want to be you. Not so much a homosexual with an oddly shaped body, pierced ears, and awkward vampire hair, but a man with the voice of an angel and a shit ton of money who everyone loves. Well, maybe a homosexual with better hair. I love you Sam, always and forever.