If you are a normal person, then you have no idea what happened on The Bachelorette this season because you have much better things to do with your life like succeed. Therefore, let me recap for you because I have no life and believe in love. A bunch of dudes went on a terrible show on ABC to win a wife. Twenty-four of them lost, but one dude with a gigantic head, buffalo teeth, and career as a former semi-pro baseball player (read: no future) won, and is now engaged to said woman. Whatever. Love will find a way.
The fantastic news is that the dude who came in second, NICK, has been stalking ol’ girl ever since she sent his ass packing on the season finale. The even better part is he wrote her a love letter post-rejection because she refused to meet him in person. The even betterest part is that we have an upper brass contact at ABC and have recovered the ACTUAL REAL LETTER from Nick. We’ve seen a couple fakes populating the ‘net, but here is the real one, presented to you in its entirety. Enjoy….
As I sit here carving your name into my arm and eating rose petals, I reflect back on our amazing journey that started a couple weeks ago when I got out of the limo and didn’t tip the driver. Actually, the moment I accidentally hacked into your Facebook prior to the show, I fell madly in love with you. Then, our two or three dates on the show allowed our hearts to melt into one. We kissed a few thousand times just like each of the other 25 guys, and I knew (herpes or no herpes) that we belonged together. Then you chose the better looking, more balanced, normal, non-annoying-as-shit guy that is not on lithium, Prozac and anti-dysentery meds like me. What happened, Andi?
Nothing in my life has felt more real than the love we shared. Not living with my mom, not having the same haircut as my mom, not sleeping in the same bed as my mom. I was happy with you, Andi. Real, real happy. F*CKING HAPPY, ANDI. FULL OF JOY. DO YOU UNDERSTAND? ARE YOU THERE? WHO IS THERE? MOM?
I think about the moment you said it wasn’t working with us. I think about how you said you woke up and didn’t feel right. You were sick, Andi. You probably had a virus and that is why you felt bad. You can take Bayer Aspirin and feel normal, Andi. I love Bayer Aspirin, Andi. Why don’t you spell your name with a Y, Andi?
I also think about the intensity we shared when we made sweet, semi-consensual love in the fantasy suite. I remember the passion in your eyes as I was tying you to the bed and duct taping your mouth. That night confirmed to me that you loved me. We joined as one that night. Me and you. You and the bed posts. You and my future child that I can only pray is growing inside you right now.
The bottom line is you made a mistake. You chose the wrong guy and I forgive you, Andi. It is time for you to come home. I’m outside your window when you are ready. Forever and always. Outside your window.
I love you,
*Originally posted on ASocialMess.com. Check that site out and sign up for their mailing list so you can get doozies like this in your inbox weekly!