You know the feeling: You wake up and want to simultaneously do cartwheels, call your BFFs, and Gorilla Glue yourself to the warm body next to you so you’ll never EVER have be apart. But chances are you’ll nix the acrobatics, settle for a quick Emoji update on the group text (eggplant + heart + smiling purple devil), and you’ll eventually have to bid adieu.crazy stupid love
But it’s ok….because you just had GREAT SEX.

A recent group text inspired me to write this post.
good sex
And after consulting some of my other hilarious (and non-virginal) girlfriends, I’ve compiled the signs you’ve just been successful in the sack…

20. You need to shower afterward. And not because you feel dirty from doing an un-Godly act. Because you feel dirty from sweating like you just did an Ironman in a mascot costume in Africa.

19. Your spray tan has gone splotchy. That is all.

18. Panties are lodged under the bed. Like, how did they even get there? No seriously, I want to know.

17. Bra is LITERALLY NOWHERE TO BE FOUND.

16. Clothes (from one or both parties) are in the living room. And the kitchen. And hanging from the lamp (what?). Well except the bra; that’s still gone.

15. Your neighbor gives you the serious side-eye when you see him/her at the mailboxes the next day.

14. Your dog/cat gives you a look that says, “I’m not mad; I’m just disappointed.” Judgmental asshole.

13. You realize you gave zero Fs what your body looked like whilst gyrating in contorted positions that would make your yoga instructor jealous. YOLO.

12. You have #JGF hair (Just Got…you know). On a normal day, you can’t even get your lovely lady locks to hold a single curl, but when you wake up from a wild sex sesh, you literally have a perm.
sex hair
11. One of your false eyelashes is on his cheek. His ass cheek.

10. Your vajazzle jewels are missing….as is the top layer of your labia.

9. There’s a vajazzle jewel on your partner’s face. (“Wait, you have a nose ring?”)

8. You wake up hungrier and craving carbs more than that time you did a juice cleanse….TIMES TEN.

7. WHERE IS THE WATER? “Ohmygod, if I don’t get a glass of water right now, I will literally die and we will never have sex again.” (Not that I’ve ever said that or anything. Don’t ask my ex.)

6. One or more of your glute/groin muscles feels like you just did 16 back-to-back barre classes. And you haven’t been to the gym in over a week.

5. Your arms are sore for NO EXPLAINABLE REASON.

4. His back/upper body looks like he got attacked by a (non-declawed) cat. There was no cat.

3.
 You heard angels (or Sam Smith) singing when you climaxed….and you weren’t on hallucinogenic drugs.

2. Your sheets look like someone tried to tie them into a noose.

1. You get approximately 47 minutes of sleep, but wake up and do it all over again.

But seriously, where is your bra?

*

So to everyone walking funny, missing undergarments, and yawning in work meetings, ENJOY IT. And if you have any (not too vulgar) signs of great/wild sex, leave ’em in the comments!

Bottoms up!

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Guys + Dating

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