I’m not one to get all wound out about the latest technology (I would never wait hours in line for an electronic, that’s for sure), but the iPhone 6 has given me a bit of a lady boner.

First, let’s take a look at the evolution of the iPhone with this fancy infographic from uSell:

Evolution through 7 Years of iPhone Launches
Get more iPhone news at uSell

What…..a history lesson. As for what to expect when this bad boy is released:

1. Sapphire screen is indestructible up to a 5-story-foot drop on any surface (concrete, hardwood, stone, etc.) and rumored to be bulletproof. (But don’t test that rumor at home.)

2. Completely waterproof, and you can opt for a high-tech coating that detects GHB or Rohypnol (date rape drugs), so if you’re concerned about being roofied, you can swirl your iPhone in your drink, and if one of the aforementioned substances are detected, you will get a push alert (no need for that nail polish).

3. Larger screen in two sizes: 4.7 in. and 5.5 in. On the 5.5 in., there is a touch button that enlarges the screen to the size of a standard iPad thanks to Apple’s new expandable glass.

4. Text recall. With this new optional setting, you can recall texts that have not yet been read on another user’s device. For example: You send a drunk text at 3 a.m. and if you wake up at 9 a.m. and the recipient has not seen it yet, you can do the recall and erase it from the world forever (even if they don’t have their read receipt on). In the same vein, Apple is also working on a breathalyzer option for sending texts/making calls.

5. Vibration mode. This is pretty crazy. With one button, you can keep your phone vibration turned on indefinitely (read: literally turn your phone into a vibrator). Apple has not yet revealed the exact purpose of this, but I have to think some female exec wanted to make her lonely business trips a little more pleasurable.

6. Heart rate sensor, activity tracker (FitBit is freaking out), AND diet manager. With the highly advanced food scanner, you can run your iPhone over a meal and it will tell you the calories, fat, protein, sugar, etc. It has been rumored to work with drinks as well.

7. Twice the battery life. Also, you can pull battery life from the iCloud with a simple swipe in your settings (no charger needed!). Pulling from the iCloud will increase battery life up to 50%. However, this will use data (about 1 MB for each percent charge), so keep that in mind with your carrier’s data plan.

8. Self-shoot mode (also known as “selfie mode” but Apple doesn’t like to say that). Much like you can change the frame size in the camera now, there is a “self-shoot” mode you can select when you’re taking a selfie and it will automatically improve the lighting, remove any imperfections in your skin, and let you double tap to select any areas you want to minimize (ie. appear thinner/smaller) BEFORE the photo is even taken. Sayonara, Photoshop.

Also I made all these up, but fingers crossed for the iPhone 7.


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