I happen to have an arsenal of sex toys, namely vibrators. Attribute it to the fact that I co-hosted a Pure Romance party for four years in a row where I not only got free gifts but also got wasted. “Limited edition” neon yellow dildo butterfly vibrator for $80? Sure why not! My power bill can wait.
These days, the items in my goodie drawer are a little more discreet (even TSA doesn’t know what they are), so the bulk of my colorful pleasure chest has been under the bed collecting dust. Then one day, I had a thought…
Would people buy used sex toys on Craigslist?
I know what you’re thinking: GROSS! Right? Duh. But admit it; now you’re curious, too. It was time for an INTERNET EXPERIMENT.
Keep in mind, I had no intention of actually meeting up with SOME FREAK WHO WOULD BUY A USED DILDO (!?) no matter how much cash was involved, but I wanted to find out the answer…and fuck with people. My gut told me I probably wouldn’t get much of a response, but then again people are weird/creepy as hell.
So I put up an ad.
(Fun story: That whole setup was sitting on my coffee table when the exterminator came over one day, and he REFERENCED THE BOOK, which obviously meant he saw and took in the whole SEXY scene. I almost chugged his ant killer on the spot.)
ANYWHO. Responses started to roll in. I received TWELVE inquiries in Atlanta. Then I decided to put an ad up in Tampa, too, because we all know the real freaks live in Florida (no offense Florida, but like, we watch the news). I got eight inquiries in Tampa and they’re still coming. Here are some of the real gems (pardon the cropping–I tried to put these together in a readable way).
1. Jesse was buying for his “friend.”
2. Silly Thomas who wanted to “work something out.”
3. Jay who is cheating on his wife.
4. This girl from the ‘burbs of Tampa trying to trade up.
She then told me what suburb she lived in, so I dug a little bit…
WHAT FEMALE WOULD TRADE HANDBAGS AND ACCESSORIES FOR USED VIBRATORS? I was either dealing with a really F’d up dude or a really desperate female, so out of fear, I stopped responding.
5. This perv.
6. And lastly, the grandaddy of them all. From where else but…you guessed it…FLORIDA.
With the exception of poor Adriana and her purses and wallets, everyone inquiring about these USED VIBRATORS was male, mostly under the guise of buying for “his wife.” I was equally entertained and disturbed by this experiment, and I just hope that all you ladies out there don’t accept a sex toy from your significant other unless it’s still in the packaging.
As for what I’m going to do with my ‘collectors items’, I may as well just give them to charity. And by that, I obviously mean Adriana.
Follow on Instagram @AshHess because I’m getting funnier. I think. Well maybe not. Whatever, where’s the vodka?