The topic of beards always comes up amongst my girlfriends this time of year as normally clean-shaven men neglect their razors to support prostate cancer awareness, and manly men who always sport facial fur are like, “Welcome to the club, pussies.” (For the record, I’m not sure when #Movember changed to #NoShaveNovember and I’m not asking questions, but all I know is that a few years ago guys were growing rapey mustaches and now there are a bunch of dudes running around with full-blown beards, so THERE IS A GOD.)

This all-inclusive beard blog will cover everything from what type of facial hair women prefer, what exactly a “lumbersexual” is and why ladies love them, what kind of facial hair to NEVER HAVE EVER, and more.

What Women Want
It has been scientifically proven that “heavy stubble” (ie. the threshold of masculinity) is the most preferred look amongst women when it comes to a man’s mug.
Ben Affleck; John Goodman; Kyle Chandler; Barry Livingston; Tate Donovan; Alan Arkin; Victor Carber; Scoot McNairy, Rory CochranBut never cover up that butt chin, Ben. 
1656038_10153303199424202_8557948210169476996_n(^That’s my bestie Rob; go stalk him on Insta if you like his face.)

Real-life application: Remember that time Average-Looking Clean-Shaven Guy showed up to the bar as Suddenly Sexy Stubble Guy and you were like, “Um, I’ll take another vodka and you home with me, please.” Yeah, we’ve all been there.

Why do women like facial hair? For the same reason men like boobs. We can’t grow any, thus it’s a symbol of masculinity and we’re intrigued. Us liking heavy stubble or a light beard is comparable to men preferring a full C or D-cup—more than enough, but not too much it’ll get in the way during sex. Sure, some women want a Duck Dynasty beard like some men want gargantuan Godzilla tits; and some women don’t care about facial hair just like some men aren’t breast obsessed. But for the most part, that just-enough scruff = lady boner.

While ladies love the heavy stubble, many (myself included) are also totally down with a full, well-groomed beard, keyword being WELL-GROOMED (your mustache should not be IN YOUR MOUTH, btw). Also, this sorta-in-between situation (Beard Lite?) just made me swoon whilst Googling:
jake beard
A long(ish) beard is not a deal-breaker for me (although I’m going to need to see your jawline at some point), but most of the ladies I polled agreed the longer/more scraggly the beard, the less you’re getting laid. SORRY I’M JUST THE MESSENGER.

Of course, there are exceptions.

Exhibit A:

Exhibit OMG:

If your face and body are literally two perfect presents from God himself, you can do whatever the fuck you want (female example: Halle Berry having the haircut of a One Direction band member her entire life, but still being considered one of the most gorgeous women in the world by the entire male species). But a normal dude is going to look more like a ZZ Top groupie than a Calvin Klein model when his facial fur starts growing past his Adam’s apple. Keep it kempt, fellas. And if you have a good face, why cover it up all year long?

But of course dudes can always change this up. I’ve dated guys who’ve been bearded one month and baby’s-butt-smooth the next. Did it impact our relationship? Of course not. But when they hit that perfect heavy stubble/Beard Lite stage…


The Introduction of the Lumbersexual

Move over metrosexual; the lumbersexual is here to chop you down and steal your girl. This recently coined term (thanks to Gear Junkie) refers to the type of dude who “is out bar-hopping, but looks like he could fell a Norway Pine. He looks like a man of the woods but….[has] a healthy salary and benefits. His backpack carries a MacBook Air, but looks like it should carry a lumberjack’s axe.”

Take a gander:
ryan gosling

Attire is a key element of the lumbersexual, but in my opinion, facial grooming (or lack thereof) is the more defining characteristic. As my friend Christine so eloquently stated, “It shows he’s a grown ass man who is too busy chopping shit down with an axe to bother shaving every day.” Let’s be clear: Women aren’t saying they want men to trade in their tailored suits for a flannel shirt-jacket (my ex had one of those Sears specials, bless his heart) and start wearing all-natural deodorant (don’t even try it, bro), but the ruggedness is sexy, period. We have a date at 7? For the love of God, keep the 5 o’clock shadow.

Beard/Hair Combos to Watch Out For


You might laugh, but I see truth in this. (And is it weird I’m slightly turned on by those drawings even though they have no faces…?)

Ladies, if you’re chatting it up with a man fitting one of these profiles, know he’s most likely about to charm your pants off (literally). Fellas, you see one of these dude’s popping up in your girl’s Facebook newsfeed, liking her selfies on Instagram, etc., stay on your toes (or pop some hair growth pills and get on that motherfucker’s level).

I can’t believe I even have to address this, but guys, for the love of God and your own self having sexual intercourse with a female ever, cut this shit out.

1. Prepubescent patchy ‘stache
a_4x-horizontalImmediate reaction: Tiny penis, chats on weird sex websites, drives an unmarked van, might lock me in a basement. Or he’s 14.

2. Goatee
2010 Teen Choice Awards - ArrivalsImmediate reaction: Type 1: Listens to Nickelback, loves Nascar, takes his shirt off at concerts, drinks a lot of Red Bull. Type 2: Nice, normal(ish) dude, but limited knowledge on how to please a woman and ain’t nobody got time for that. (I’m telling myself Channing just lost a bet.)

3. Flavor savor/soul patch
soul patchImmediate reaction: Distorted view of society/reality, going to do some weird ass shit in the bedroom.

4. Chin strap
chinstrapAll of the goatee Type 1 characteristics, but also wears Ed Hardy and sunglasses indoors. Uses double negatives and doesn’t know the difference between your and you’re.

5. Anything resembling Spencer Pratt
SpencerImmediate reaction: Spencer Pratt.

6. Landing strip (WTF)
enhanced-buzz-23629-1360597106-0 2Immediate reaction: Cannot be a mentally stable human being.

But again, if you’re Colin Farrel, you can do whatever the hell you want.

No one ever said life was fair. Happy November, lovers and friends!


And if you’re a guy looking to grow, here’s GQ’s Modern Man’s Guide to Beards.

Feature image from Luke Ditella Instagram.

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