home alone

From Thanksgiving (or Halloween, whatever) to the New Year, I say “It’s the holidays!” approximately 2397298474 times as justification to do whatever I want. I have a hard time concentrating on work; all I want to do is eat, binge drink (red wine), and be merry, and I treat my “winter vacation” like I’m still in college and get to take off a month between semesters. What?

But it’s ok because IT’S THE HOLIDAYS! Here are ten times this is a completely acceptable and perfect excuse for life from now until January 1, 2015. (How is it almost 2015 omg.)

1. Getting drunk on school nights. Yeah it’s Tuesday. SO WHAT. If you ask me, Tuesday is the new Friday until the new year. If you have a social life, chances are a ton of shit is going on at least four nights a week now until Christmas—holiday parties, gift exchanges, Red Wine Wednesdays, Slutty Santa Sundays, whatever you’re into. Imbibe, betches. You earned this.

2. Gaining weight (or the #December6 as I like to call it).
Your only mission right now is just not to get too fat for your NYE dress. Anyone who tries to diet this time of year is not human and DO NOT TRUST THEM. Kale can wait until January; it has no place left in 2014. Have another chocolate dipped peppermint pretzel.

3. Getting back together with your ex.
So what if he has a goatee, says “brah” non-ironically, once wore Crocs to a wedding, and knocked up your second cousin in high school? He’s a warm body and it’s effing freezing out there. Just drink a lot, sex a lot, cuddle a lot, feel festive with someone, avoid the DTR at all costs, and remember why you broke up when January rolls around.

4. Getting excited about watching a movie you’ve seen 639429479283749847 times.
Home Alone, Home Alone 2, Elf, The Holiday, A Christmas Story, National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation, Love Actually, The Family Stone, The Grinch, Jingle All the Way (JK, that one sucks)…..whatever your guilty holiday pleasure is, indulge. Watch it once, watch it twice, watch it every day until Christmas. You’re not (that) crazy.

5. Dating someone who sucks.
Good God have I dated some douchebags in the winter months. Whatever, as long as he can appreciate Home Alone and agrees to come to your awful office Christmas party with you so people stop asking, “Why are you single?” (answer: “Why are you married?”), he can stay for now.

6. Overeating at the office.
Your (annoying) co-workers put their blood, sweat, and tears (hopefully not literally) into those Snickerdoodles and chocolate chip M&M masterpieces. You would be a total asshole not to sample everything.

beauty and beast

7. Shopping for yourself.
Black Friday, Cyber Monday, BOGO deals, general ridiculous sales this time of year. Whilst shopping for others, it’s a crime not to treat yourself as well (I think Cher Horowitz said that). And the more you buy for yourself with your own money, the less you ask from mom and dad. Do the right thing.

8. Wearing leggings/sweatpants every single day.
(Refer to #2.)
fits me now

9. Not being on your A-game at work.
Whatever, your boss gets it. He/she is probably hungover, too (refer to #1) or too busy crushing those Snickerdoodles to notice you took a 7-hour lunchbreak. And most big companies already did their lay-offs, so you’re in the clear. (PS, don’t sue me if you get fired for being a lazy ass.)
hungover-working cameron diaz

10. Being basic
. ‘Tis the season, betches! Ice skating even though you facking hate it, putting your Peppermint Mocha on Instagram, attending a cookie exchange (I’ve never been to one; can someone please invite me?), posting inspirational quotes about family and friends, you know the drill. Assholes like me won’t judge you until the new year….because I’m doing the same shit.

Happy holidays, lovers and friends!



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