Confession: I have been watching The Bachelor for most my adult life and I’m not ashamed. There is literally no better show to view with friends, critique, and live tweet. Sure, seasons have had their fair share of snoozy moments, but they still never disappoint with the handpicked crop of insecure/narcissistic/batshit/desperate females, Chris Harrison’s billionaire boy swag, international travel porn, awkward moments, and DRAMAAAAAAAA. But last night was one of the best episodes I’ve seen in a while and I’m convinced we are in for an #epic season. Check out the high(low)lights.
1. Last week Chris sent yoga instructor Kimberly home. She left the mansion in broad daylight (because you know those rose ceremonies are like 32974298374 hours long), but then turned around, went back in the house to beg Chris for a second chance (the girls were like, “WHAT THE FUCK DOES THIS HO THINK SHE’S DOING?), and he actually let her stay (Chris Harrison was all poetic like, “This is your life, man; there are no rules”). So she tiptoes back in like the most desperate pound puppy of all time, the girls fake excitement and stiff hugs, she gets to go on a group date where she gushes how blessed she is to be salvaged from the loser bin, and then at the rose ceremony, Chris sends her home AGAIN. What is worse than getting sent home once on The Bachelor? That’s right. Getting sent home twice on The Bachelor. There is literally no stronger proof in this world that you will probably be alone forever.
2. Two of the girls sneak into Chris’s house (OMG it’s like, right down the driveway!) and ABC censors Jillian’s ass. I’m thinking, “Ok, she must be wearing a thong; weird for primetime but whatever.” But later in the show, a fellow bachelorette blasts out that Jillian has the hairiest ass of all time. I’m sorry, what? Like, hair coming out of her underwear? Is network TV censoring body hair now? How did the producers let a booty bush fly? Is booty bush even a thing? Why would you not get that shit waxed (it doesn’t even hurt)? I have so many questions. And this brings us back to the fact ABC also censored her FRONT during the B&E, which means this chick must have the wildest Wookie bush of all time and I’m hoping she gets to stick around until the fantasy suites because I can totally see Chris being into that.
3. There is a tractor race in bikinis in downtown LA so now we know the producers give zero fucks about anything this season.
The girls kept screaming, “I’m showing Chris my country!” and I wanted to take the “try” off the end of that sentiment, but this isn’t HBO. To our surprise, Sport Fishing Enthusiast Tara who wore cowboy boots on the first night (and is also unstable) lost this country showdown to Ashley I., the Kardashian wannabe/Persian princess for no other explainable reason than the mafia.
4. After the tractor match, Chris chose one girl for a date that evening, and despite the mafia warning Ashley whispered in his ear whilst straddling him on her winning piece of farm equipment, he chose Mackenzie, who I find to be the most awkward and unattractive girl on the season, possibly in Bachelor history. I feel mean for saying that, but I am actually bothered by her physical appearance and demeanor. On their date, she says her favorite thing about a guy is a big nose (which Chris does not have), asks Chris if he believes in aliens, says she hasn’t been on a date in soooooo long, tells him about her son (which is fine except his name is fucking KALE), and then they still make out like five times per her recap to the girls the following day.
How Chris was cuffed up with hottie Brit last week and is voluntarily tongue kissing this chick a few days later is completely out of my comprehension.
5. Megan got a date card and didn’t realize it was a date card (“I thought it was a love note!”), which means she has either never seen The Bachelor before or has the mental capacity of Kale (the vegetable or Mackenzie’s son). I’m fine with either scenario. Her dad also passed away like, a week before she went on the show so I’m slightly concerned about her emotional state, but um, no judgment.
Moving right along.
6. Now we get to the craziest/creepiest contestant who has ever been on this show and perhaps on reality television since Spencer Pratt. Of course her name is Ashley. So they go on this zombie paintball group date and the second this chick gets a gat in her hand, the switch flips. She lurches around, gunning down already “dead” zombies until they have to pull the weapon from her hands, then she quickly moves into full-on WTF territory for the remainder of the evening. She wanders around in the woods, talking total nonsense gibberish (which is something I can totally relate to after 2937492734 vodkas), but her eyes are wide open and she doesn’t seem to be stumbling drunk. My mind = blown. I’m assuming she’s just on 47 different types of antidepressants or a Quaalude/meth cocktail.
7. Back to Ash Kardashian. Before the rose ceremony, she drops the bomb that she’s never had a boyfriend and is also a virgin. Mackenzie is supremely jealous that she’s not a virgin and can’t even pretend to be one (THANKS KALE), because “guys love taking girls’ virginities.” This is news to me as most of my 33-year-old dude friends aren’t running around trying to pop cherries, but maybe it’s different where Mackenzie comes from. But back to Ash Kardash. She gets her alone time with Chris and immediately brings up her Princess Jasmine belly button ring because duh, date conversation. She offers Chris three wishes on her magical lamp of a body piercing (IS THIS REAL LIFE?) after which he asks for a kiss but she makes him rub her belly button ring first (and now we understand the no boyfriend thing). Then they make out and she dry humps him because virginity.
And as if her belly ring (AND CHAIN) isn’t terrifying enough, her eyelashes are the closest thing I’ve seen to tarantulas on someone’s face since Arachnophobia.
8. Then it’s the rose ceremony, and Morgan (the “student”) is wasted AF and no one even smoothes her hair because they’re all bitches who aren’t there to make friends.
9. But who cares because at this glorious rose ceremony, the best thing happened in the history of the show.
A name misunderstanding followed by a near-death slip on an oriental rug followed by the most maniacal laugh of all time, which is coincidentally the exact intro to “Wipeout.” My TV viewing life is complete.
10. In the outtakes, they show the arrival of a date card–a time when you should be excited enough to pop out of a three-year coma and do the Tootsee Roll–and Morgan is passed out because day drinking.
Unfortunately Chris didn’t give this blackout queen a rose, but we’ll always have Ashley (at least until next week).
In related news, I’m changing my name.