Maybe it’s because it’s on a Saturday, maybe it’s because social media gets more out of control every
year minute, or maybe it’s because I did an 8-minute TV segment on it (in which I got called out for my Tindering), but Valentine’s Day is on steroids AF this year. Not to mention I just flipped through morning television and all I saw was Fifty Shades, heart-shaped pancakes, and romantic DIY gifts before I had to run to the bathroom and dry heave.
Listen you guys, I
tolerate love romance just as much as the next single 31-year-old, but we can all agree Valentine’s Day is pretty much bullshit. However, I can still appreciate it because honestly I love any legitimate excuse to eat chocolate and get drunk watching Pretty Woman. What? That being said, I asked some guys to describe their perfect Valentine’s Day. They run the gamut from single to married to casually dating to seriously dating and I even got the HOT CRAZY MATRIX GUY (!!!) to give his input (we’re Internet friends, nbd). Take a look and change your plans.
Started From the Bottom
“My ideal date: I take her to a low-key bar with a jukebox, pump $5 of quarters for Drake on repeat and then wait until she’s depressed and lowered her standards enough to sleep with me. Also vodka, lots of vodka.”
-Bobby Corey, 31, single
Deep and Drunk
“Youth is wasted on the young,” as they say. And by they, I mean bitter, old single dudes like me. Or maybe it was a flamboyantly gay Oscar Wilde. Who cares. Anywho, Valentine’s Day is for young love–budding, wild hearts who have yet to be beaten down by reality, suburbia, and a minivan. This is why I chose to sit with crotchety, old dudes at [a dive bar] and have a nice chicken dinner (Wild Turkey neat and boiled peanuts) and generally just stare into the abyss of my phone, going through hot girls Instagrams and writing “Flawless” or “Stunning” on every selfie.”
-J Winter, 30-something, single
“Go shopping at Goodwill for evening wear (read: pastel tux and fancy gown), dine at the Golden Corral, fake a proposal in the middle of the restaurant right next to the Chocolate Wonderfall, take pictures, post them on Instagram (Kelvin filter only), go get drunk at a dive bar (still in Goodwill evening wear), go home and have missionary intercourse. That is the perfect Valentine’s Day and any girl who is down for that is someone I’d actually propose to (not at Golden Corral).
-Trey Humphreys, single
Man’s Best Friend
“I have already lived my dream Valentine’s Day. It happened a few years back when I moved to this magnificent city. A beardless Indian searching for love in this great metropolis and finding it on that one fateful night. My best friend asked if I would watch his dog on Valentine’s day so he could have a getaway night with his girl…and epic greatness ensued. I drank like it was my last night on earth. I even played drinking games by myself. I got so drunk, I ended up walking the dog at 4 a.m. down Lenox Rd. wearing only my boxers. You know. Normal, healthy adult behavior. My night ended in the sweetest way… passed out on my living room floor in my underpants after spending a good amount of time talking to his dog telling him “It’s fine Max. I don’t need a girl because I have you.” I was awoken by the sound of my buddy’s knock the next morning. After seeing the insane amount of empty beer cans, wine bottles, empty pizza box, and me almost naked they spoke… “Looks like you had company last night and your Valentine’s Day went better than expected.” I smiled, winked, and led them to believe I had a lady visitor. To this day, only me and their dog know the real truth. He is dead now (love you always, Max) so it’s just me who carried the guilt of this lie. Until now. I am free. The lesson of this experience is that it’s much easier to have your dream Valentine’s day by just lying instead of putting effort into it only to have your heart broken.”
Gossip Girl (@NealLovesYou)
Chocolate Lovers Only
-Atlanta Indian attorney who will remain nameless, 37, married
“In man-land, there are a few days a year sex should be pretty much a given, and Valentine’s Day is one of them. It’s a stupid fabricated holiday foisted on us by the candy, flower, and card industries, but we’ll take it. So, as a guy, we want the sure thing here, but we understand this made up holiday/sure thing comes with a condition precedent, a quid pro quo. You want us to show you that you’re the one, we think you’re special, we love you and only you. Got it. But help a guy out here. Tell us, clearly and explicitly, what it is you want. Guys are terrible at reading subtle clues.
So here’s the perfect Valentine’s Day for a dude: You tell us exactly what you want, we make all that happen, then we get lucky. The details are irrelevant to us.”
-Dana C. McLendon III, happily married 23 years
“On the beach sipping top-end cocktails with my lady friend rubbing my feet and/or back with no work or life issues and a real nice steak and lobster combo being cooked up on the beach fire pit. Oh and a grand firework display, jet skis, dancing monkeys, a massive sound system with DJ Mannie Fresh operating the controls and an unlimited amount of golf balls/new golf clubs to destroy into the ocean. Simple.”
-Jake Schumacher, 31, in a relationship
“Up until this year, my ideal Valentine’s Day always ended in the bedroom. But now I have two kids, and my wife and I don’t sleep, so we’re hyper-paranoid we’re going to get pregnant before we’re ready and never sleep again. The kind of paranoia where you’re weirdly suspicious of the effective rates of ALL forms of birth control. Anyway, this year, my ideal Valentine’s Day is to have the candlelight dinner at Waffle House, recreate the Kimye/John Legend/Chrissy Teigen photo with my kids as Yeezus and Kim, and passing out on the couch watching Captain America: Winter Soldier on Starz.
-Matt Courtoy, 37, married
What Happens in Vegas
“I think 1 in every 10 years the roles should be reversed and the men should be catered to. My ideal day would be something like:
11am: Vegas alarm clock.
11:45am: Pancake breakfast cooked by my wife in a slooty apron.
12:15pm: Naked video gaming and Cheeto-eating sesh in my beanbag chair.
4:30pm: Vegas alarm clock.
5pm: Watch Braveheart for a good cry.
7:30pm: Happy hour at Chili’s for some El Presidente margs, pick up pizza and wings on the way home, and end the night with some type of Fifty Shades of Grey reenactment (with me playing the role of Anastasia).
Bonus: If she really wanted to make the day special, she could perform an interpretive dance to Michael Bolton’s Greatest Hits by the side of the TV during the naked video-gaming/Cheeto-eating sesh.”
-Ryan Hickey, 31, married
“I’m all about stupid cute gifts soooooo I’d probably buy her the card from The Simpsons episode that has a picture of a train and says “I Choo Choo Choooooose You.” I’d probably buy her favorite candy bar (chilled in the fridge because chocolate is better cold) and have that shit ready when we got home from din din. I also really enjoy fucking with dates and telling them to wear comfy shoes bc we’re going on a picnic or something. Really keep them on edge so once they realize we’re doing something sans picnic, it already seems like a win (or a lose?). I mean, I’m legit so thoughtful and romantic every day that V-Day is just another day to showcase my awesome (which is totes true).
-Danny Weiner, 28, single
Bonnie and Clyde
“Ideally, I would just want us to spend the day/night together doing whatever felt right. Being that Valentine’s Day is on a Saturday this year, Bae could pick me up around 10 a.m. to dine on Grande Steak Scramblers and Cinnatwists at the hottest Atlanta brunch spot–Taco Bell. Afterward, we would take a cruise in the Tercel to get waxed, bleached, and vajazzled at Bae’s favorite salon. After enduring the most excruciating pain and discomfort we have ever been exposed to, we would take an Uber XL to the world renowned Ivy Buckhead for lunch where we’d listen to exotic beats, spray champagne, and make it rain thousands upon thousands of napkins just because. Then, after a few rusty nails (Kill Cliff + vodka), Bae would cue the DJ to spin “Me and My Girlfriend” by the late Tupac, which would lead to an impromptu trip to Tupac Amaru Shakur Center for the Arts in Stone Mountain, GA. Even though this establishment has long since closed, Bae and I would jump the fence to picnic at the feet of the larger-than-life statue of Tupac where we would reminisce about the East Coast/West Coast beef while we sipped on Hennessy and Thug Passion (1 part Alize + 1 Part Crystal). After we poured out a drink for Pac, we would make the journey back to Atlanta to keep it one hunnit and fire up the hookah at a local staple, Kabob Land. After which we would likely do things Missy Elliot style and get our freak on.”
-Nick Gonzalez, 29, dolo
“I want something dirty for Valentine’s. I want it to be equal and not spend much money. Handmade stuff (Pinterest after dark?) and sexual favors for both sides.”
-Nick, 30, in a relationship
Hot Tub Love
“First of all, I wish everyone (including my girlfriend) would shut the fuck up about Valentine’s Day. Each year as this day approaches, I go into panic mode on February 13, scrambling to get a 4 p.m. reservation at a mediocre restaurant and perhaps a hotel room (non-city view) with a heart-shaped jacuzzi. That being said, Valentine’s Day begins with an Uber to mediocre restaurant so early we can’t even check into the hotel room yet. Drink about 10 drinks at dinner then Uber home. Then guess what? It’s time to pack your bags because we’re staying in a hotel tonight! #Rich. Uber to hotel and drink 10 more drinks in the jacuzzi. Maybe have some chocolates and red velvet cake that we rub all over each other while rolling around in bed sipping and spilling champagne and engaging in weird and aggressive sexual acts. Fall asleep around 4 a.m. Wake up early. Uber home.”
-Tim Jenkins, 34, in a relationship
Witty + Shitty here. If you had to make reservations three months ago at some trendy restaurant out of fear of pissing your chick off, then your relationship sucks. Go ahead and propose, you walking cliché; the ring will look great sandwiched between a pic of her brunch and a car selfie on Instagram. #LifetimeOfMiseryAhead. Trust me, the “You better have reservations somewhere nice” chick is the same girl who will make you jump through hoops just to have sex with the lights on. That said, in this day and age the perfect Valentine’s Day is not about doing something nice for your significant other; it’s about making every one of her friends jealous of how “sweet” you are. Let’s be honest, every girl is petty, so your chick will really love this plan when you present it to her over a nice glass of white zin.
1. A simple Google image search of “flowers on a desk” coupled with a Facebook status of “Great surprise at work!” is a good one to drop around 10 a.m.; that should get all her friends eagerly hoping for flowers all day. (Feel free to use this shitty filtered one below.)
2. Next is lunch. A quick “surprise lunch date!” post will suffice, don’t get greedy, we’re setting up for the kill.
3. Around 4 p.m., go back to Google and search for a picture of whatever is the hottest purse on the market. Post that shit.
4. At this point most of her friends are on suicide watch.
5. The last and final step is one of patience but the reward is well worth it. Go social media silent until 11:30 a.m. on February 15, then deliver the coup de grâce. Post a summary status of the evening you had, feel free to use your own creativity but it should be something like this: “What an amazing night with an amazing man! He picked me up in an Uber black car, told me to leave my phone because he wanted my undivided attention. We then went to (insert fancy restaurant here), after that our car took us to (nicest hotel in the metro area) where we had champagne and danced on the rooftop where he had a private candlelit table with chocolate cake. This morning was room service breakfast, of course ;)”.
You get the idea. Make up whatever suits you, but never under any circumstances admit that all you did was sit on the couch with five bottles of gas station wine catching up on House of Cards. This is the perfect Valentine’s Day and your girl will love that you’ve taken the time to understand pettiness is what makes the heart grow fonder.”
-Jon Stennis, 32, married
There you have it. Now make it the best day of the year. And take Uber.
Happy Valentine’s Day, lovers.