sbux

By Kacie Lett

Double shot, non-fat, extra whip, flat white, Mocha Chocalata ya ya. This is for the women standing beside me, amidst the throngs of caffeine aficionados at our neighborhood Starbucks, Caribou, or corner café. You know, just as I do, your coffee order says as much about you as your clothes, your man, your posture, and most of all your last Instagram post (please tell me you were being sarcastic with that #blessed hashtag?).

Un-caffeinated females wait around a Starbucks barista counter like there’s a Ryan Gosling doppelganger holding a marked down pair of Louboutins (in your size) on the other side. Pick me, LOVE ME! With a quick shout-out of our name and a cup slid across the counter, our eyes become alive like Seal in that Batman song.

Triple shot, extra hot, soy latte with a hint of sugar-free vanilla?”

YES — *I lunge towards counter*– THAT’S ME!” And just like Katy Perry my day starts. And you’re gonna HEAR ME ROAR.

(Author note: The Katy Perry reference tells you what kind of woman I am.)

So what does your coffee order say about you?

Just Black
You’re attempting one of two things – dieting or a bowel movement. Or both. No judgment here. #GoalWeight

1_#goalweight


Half-Caf
You’re pregnant (maybe even on purpose). And you would prefer to be drinking alcohol instead of half-ass caffeinated coffee (#FYL).
tumblr_mr4np8Aa751rqu3aso1_500


Black with room for soy and raw sugar
You’re vegan. And do yoga. And post pictures on Instagram of the kale/quinoa/wheatgrass/whatever rabbit food you eat for every meal and yourself in #spiritual yoga poses that really just show off your ass in your transparent Lululemon pants. #Namaste
3_#stfu


Flat White
You saw an article about this being the new hot thing on Buzzfeed so OBVI it’s your drink of choice. You also shop at Urban Outfitters and have been properly using “on fleek” for like, 6 months at this point. The first time you got the flat white, you uploaded a picture of it on Instagram with the caption “ZOMG #Starbucks #FlatWhite is bae,” even though it kinda’ tastes like sugar-coated shit.
jennifer-lawrence-oh-yeah-thumbs-up


Espresso/Double Espresso/Triple Espresso
You’re successful, constantly sleep-deprived, ADD AF, and will not hesitate to cut someone who annoys you (or just threaten to).
tumblr_n6oiz7cL1X1tdfjk1o1_500

Mocha Frappuccino
Two scenarios:

You’re a dude and can ingest 8,000 calories a day without gaining an ounce. (PS, we hate you.)
52401a397bb78a0aa93f57552aa54f6e
OR…
You stress ate an entire bag of Doritos earlier, completely ruining your weekly Weight Watchers points/attempt to be skinny by the weekend so you #DGAF.

5_#dgaf



Hot Chocolate
What are you, 8? Go home and whip up some Swiss Miss while you watch Nickelodeon.
kardashians


Grande Coffee With Room for Cream/Milk, 
Nonfat Latte
You’re normal and judging everyone with their little stupid ass drinks. #IDFWU
tumblr_neha8irbbu1ql5yr7o1_500


Iced Coffee
You don’t like coffee; you like caffeine. Just admit it, faker.
8_#imposter


Caramel Macchiato
You don’t know what the fuck you’re doing with your life but this sounded good.
left shark

Decaf

You’re worthless. Please leave.
beyonce-not-here-for-that


Pumpkin Spice Latte
One word…..and you know it.
10_#basic
Bottoms up, betches.

***

Follow Kacie on Instagram and Twitter and stay tuned from more from her!

Latest Posts By Guest Contributor

Category

Food + Drink

Tags

, ,