By Kacie Lett
Double shot, non-fat, extra whip, flat white, Mocha Chocalata ya ya. This is for the women standing beside me, amidst the throngs of caffeine aficionados at our neighborhood Starbucks, Caribou, or corner café. You know, just as I do, your coffee order says as much about you as your clothes, your man, your posture, and most of all your last Instagram post (please tell me you were being sarcastic with that #blessed hashtag?).
Un-caffeinated females wait around a Starbucks barista counter like there’s a Ryan Gosling doppelganger holding a marked down pair of Louboutins (in your size) on the other side. Pick me, LOVE ME! With a quick shout-out of our name and a cup slid across the counter, our eyes become alive like Seal in that Batman song.
“Triple shot, extra hot, soy latte with a hint of sugar-free vanilla?”
“YES — *I lunge towards counter*– THAT’S ME!” And just like Katy Perry my day starts. And you’re gonna HEAR ME ROAR.
(Author note: The Katy Perry reference tells you what kind of woman I am.)
So what does your coffee order say about you?
You’re attempting one of two things – dieting or a bowel movement. Or both. No judgment here. #GoalWeight
Black with room for soy and raw sugar
You’re vegan. And do yoga. And post pictures on Instagram of the kale/quinoa/wheatgrass/whatever rabbit food you eat for every meal and yourself in #spiritual yoga poses that really just show off your ass in your transparent Lululemon pants. #Namaste
You saw an article about this being the new hot thing on Buzzfeed so OBVI it’s your drink of choice. You also shop at Urban Outfitters and have been properly using “on fleek” for like, 6 months at this point. The first time you got the flat white, you uploaded a picture of it on Instagram with the caption “ZOMG #Starbucks #FlatWhite is bae,” even though it kinda’ tastes like sugar-coated shit.
Espresso/Double Espresso/Triple Espresso
You’re successful, constantly sleep-deprived, ADD AF, and will not hesitate to cut someone who annoys you (or just threaten to).
You’re a dude and can ingest 8,000 calories a day without gaining an ounce. (PS, we hate you.)
You stress ate an entire bag of Doritos earlier, completely ruining your weekly Weight Watchers points/attempt to be skinny by the weekend so you #DGAF.
Grande Coffee With Room for Cream/Milk, Nonfat Latte
You’re normal and judging everyone with their little stupid ass drinks. #IDFWU