Oh Coachella. AKA Fashion Week in the desert. Does anyone even care about the bands or is every girl just trying to show off her #StreetStyle in hopes of getting captured for some Internet blog because she wore platform sandals, a fringe romper, flower crown, and 16 metric tons of jewelry in the desert? Let me be clear, I have seen outfits I have loved and made me intimidated to ever attend this fashion conference, but I have also seen some that are so impractical and ridiculous, I had to let the guys weigh in, and please note most of the ensembles below have been published in some sort of “Best Dressed at Coachella” article. (Disclaimer: As always, I abide by the principle that females should wear what they feel comfortable and confident in and not dress for men, but hearing what guys have to say about women’s “trends” is called humor. If you are personally offended by this article, I want to say from the bottom of my heart that I literally do not give a fuck.)

Let’s hear it, fellas…

IMG_5152“This chick looks like she just didn’t have anything to wear and said ‘Fuck it, I’ll wear the drapes.’ Literally I call her the The Drapes Grim Reaper. The goth cowgirl of Coachella and curtains.” —Robert Bolen

IMG_5180“I’ll never love anything like this #diva loves denim. I hope to God her name is Jean. What’s your name? ‘JEAN.’ What are you wearing? ‘JEANS. What’s your favorite song? ‘Billy JEAN.’ Who are you going to vote for in 2016? JEAN. What no I don’t think there’s a Jean runni- ‘JEANNNN!'” —Aaron Chewning

IMG_5174“Sweet, a female Mumford and Sons tribute band. I admire their dedication for dressing the part. And bonus points for crushing cigs with black lipstick; I just want to remind any would-be makeout partner of how cold and dehydrated that cig tongue will be.” image-Jon Stennis

style com“Dear Native Americans: it wasn’t enough that we stole all your land and decimated your people through disease and warfare. Now we are choosing to steal your fashion so we can bastardize that as well. Sincerely, White People of Coachella.” —Neal Reddy

IMG_5170“When I look at this outfit, my first thought is, DAFUQ? Immediately followed by, I wonder what her armpit hair looks like, followed by DAFUQ? again, and then DAFUQ? one more time for good measure. I’d more than likely try to push bae into a puddle. Additionally, I’m caught wondering how many times is this girl going to try and vote for Hillary Clinton?” —Jake Schumacher

IMG_5178“Ol’ pineapple crown gal is the walking Coachella version of Hoarders. Why the fuck do you have so many things? You’re there to get drunk and party but instead packed 6-inch platform shoes that probably weigh 5 pounds each, then threw on a tin chastity belt because no guy is going to be able to break that mess down. Shit just pisses me off looking at it. 70s platforms, Egyptian chastity belt, Indian suede purse, a fucking sarong so big I could make a hammock out of it (and is that another sarong tied to the purse?), and the ‘I have no self-respect’ headdress from Spencer’s Gifts. Go home.” —Bobby Corey

IMG_5149“Paris looks like she is dressed for a slutty first communion. But I’m more impressed that Nikky was creative enough to make an entire dress out of doilies and construction paper snowflakes from the local elementary school.” —Chris Marler

hbz-street-style-coachella-2015-day2-12_1“Nothing says IDGAF more than dressing up in your favorite Hillary Clinton power suit pants (extra pleats) to resemble Sean Patrick Flannery’s character in Powder.” —Nick Gonzalez

9_1“I think my second aunt in Nebraska has those same bottoms but she uses them as her picnic tablecloth. I’d rather see my aunt wear them. At least she has a reason. Does Nebraska even have a single mall, or hell, a Wal-Mart?” —Jake Schumacher

IMG_5181“I am so worried for this girl. I mean where is her ankle support? I am also super worried about the science experiment growing on the bottom of her feet after a day of walking Coachella and using the porta potties. I am pretty sure she is single because no dude would ever put up with waiting 40 minutes to lace up her footwear. If she does get laid tonight those atrocities will surely remain on and be present in the bed (tent?) because it’s nearly impossible to keep a boner for the 20 minutes it takes to remove them. Nothing says #DesertStyle like Roman soldier sandals and leather. Last I checked, no one wears leather dresses in the desert. Not really a breathable fabric. I’ve never seen an Arabic person in the desert wearing leather.” —Neal Reddy

IMG_5150“I am sure there are hot girls and good looking people at Coachella, but these three are the anti-Coachella. No doubt festival producers are trying to get these pictures off the Internets as not to scare the 20-year-olds who feel safe at these shows. I mean what is her hair on the right? The guy’s face says he’s pimping with two models, but in actuality he’s standing next to two women (maybe?) who raided the Hot Topic bargain bin in ’94.” —Tribble Reese

IMG_5169“Ahh the classic ‘I just threw this together, when I really spent days picking it out and hours getting ready’ outfit. Girl would look good without the head scarf and if she didn’t throw on her mom’s Gitano shorts. Unless she’s pre-op and hiding a dick bulge there is no excuse for those denim disasters.” —Jon Stennis

FFN_Coachella_Day1_PREM_041015_51706493.0“Oh, Kylie Jenner. Or is it Kendall? Who gives a fuck. But I have to say I do love the jorts. Functional, stylish. My dad had a pair just like the that were only worn for special occasions like NASCAR races and PTA conferences.” —Chris Marler

IMG_5153“I like these girls. They were going for ‘BoHo Chic’ but ended up with ‘HoHo Chic.’ They are also holding hands which shows unity and lets people know they are running a 3-for-1 special.” —Neal Reddy

So there you have it, folks. Brb, ordering a pineapple crown and borrowing my dad’s jean shorts. Coachella 2016 HERE I COME.

Ashley + the guys

Follow the funny on Instagram: @AshHess | @BrosBeingBasic | @FashionDads_

Image credits/links: Racked, Harpers Bazaar, LAist, Style.com, Instagram

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