Summer concert/festival season is here as you can tell by the flower crowns on Instagram and slackers trying to get last-minute tickets to shit on Facebook. But forget about Shaky Knees, Hangout Fest, and Lollapalooza because these six concerts in Atlanta and beyond are all you need to make your summer literally the best three months of your entire life. When you’re soaking in these seductive sounds, you won’t even care that Ticketmaster charged you $593742 in fees.
1. The Michael Madness Tour featuring Michael Bolton and Michael McDonaldTwo badass balladeers doing an unprecedented performance because it’s been way too long since you’ve thrown your panties on stage. The concert will be held Saturday, June 9 at Piedmont Hospital inside a giant incubator. Why an incubator? Acoustics and safety. These two will sound like gravely cherubs in your ear inside this beautiful hot box. It’s also the most logical place to house this concert considering the sheer number of instant pregnancies and births that will happen when couples slow dance to “I Keep Forgettin” and “I Said I Loved You but I Lied.” Lawn seats are just $35, and they come with a complimentary condom and wine spritzer. Break out your best denim vest and let’s make a memory.
2. The Best of Boy Band Backups If there’s anything Americans love, it’s an underdog story. Think about it. Rudy, Rocky…Fatone. That’s right: N*Sync’s very own Joey Fatone is touring with his “Not-So-Super-Group” that will underwhelm you even less than their dancing did nearly two decades ago. The group includes: Fatone, Justin from 98 Degrees (you know, the ugly one), the dude from Backstreet with the irregular heart beat (Howie?), and the oldest Hanson brother. Bathroom breaks are encouraged as every member of O-Town will be working as restroom attendants during the show. The concert will be held Friday, August 1 at Sparkles Skating Rink in Alpharetta. Get there early because the only thing worse than Friday traffic on 400 will be the traffic at the rink during couples skate. But don’t be mad. We’re not playing games with your heart. You want it that way! LOLZZZZ.
3. Gavin Degraw covers John Mayer
If you love acoustic guitars as much as you love pretending either one of these musicians is actually talented then this concert is for you. Gavin will be headlining a summer tour that covers only the best of John Mayer’s illustrious career. Why? To prove they aren’t the same person and because women love this shit. The concert will be held July 4 at the local indie coffee shop in Decatur. There is no alcohol at the venue, but it is BYOB (bring your own beanie!), because we all know the only way to enjoy these two is with a knit beanie from Urban Outfitters sitting atop your crown revealing nothing but your widow’s peak and unparalleled emo style. BUT WAIT THERE’S MORE: Special guest Howie Day will open the show with 30 straight minutes of “Collide” on repeat. Fellas, purchase two tickets today because it’s the perfect night on the town for you and that girl you’ll always be in the friend zone with.
4. DoucheRockapolooza featuring Chad Kroeger and Fred Durst w/ special guest Crazytown
I know I know. FINALLY! AMIRITE? From the first day you heard “Butterfly” and “Nookie,” you thought, When are these two timeless wonders gonna quit pussyfootin’ around and collab with the greatest goatee band ever–Nickelback? Well count your #blessings because these bros are dusting off their leather bracelets and touring the great US of A. This 11-city tour will steamroll through major metropolises like Des Moines, Biloxi, and Woodstock, GA. That’s right Atlanta, just a short 45 minute drive is all that separates you and this symphonic sex appeal. Get your tickets now because there is limited room at the American Legion where this spectacle will be held. Pro tip: Get there early and stay late because rumor has it Scott Stapp from Creed made a cameo at the show in Little Rock and did a special performance of Buckcherry’s “Crazy Bitch” while double arm wrestling Durst and Kroeger. Could you just DIE?!
5. Drake: A Night of Poetry and InspirationDo you love Drake? Do you love to live, laugh, AND love? Then you’ll literally die for this concert/poetry reading from one of the biggest rappers in the game. This summer, Drizzy will be performing a special 4-hour performance that will include dramatic readings of Maya Angelou poems, somber Nicki Minaj tweets, AND inspirational quotes from white girls on Instagram. Not to mention a few full reenactments of Degrassi episodes featuring actors with adult braces and big dreams from the local improv group. So if you’re about being single, seeing double, and dancing like nobody’s watching, this is the night for you. The “concert” will be held at the Sips N Strokes in College Park on Saturday, July 23 following a private screening of the new Tyler Perry film “Madea Talks Through a Movie.”
6. Wilson Philips and SWV: The Ebony & Ivory Tour
No, you’re not dreaming. The best black trio and the best white trio from the ‘90s are blending their soulful stylings to make you weak in the knees. Watch out world because Carnie has lost another 16 pounds on Weight Watchers and is going to set that stage on FIRE. Special medleys include “Release Me Right Here” and “Hold On Weakly” and rumor has it, there may be a special performance by the one and only Dawn from En Vogue. This show will be a two-nighter — Friday, June 26 at Underground Atlanta then Saturday, June 27 on the rooftop of Restoration Hardware in BUCKHEAD ATLANTA. Prepare for the city to come together amidst the sweet sounds of these songstresses.
Rock on, music lovers.