I watch The Bachelorette on ABC. Am I proud of it? I am. It’s wonderful. Like Justin Bieber in a bathtub wonderful.
If you have no life like me and TV is your soulmate, you know we are in the middle of The Bachelorette Season 127. If you do better things with your life than watch TV and check Tinder during commercial breaks, let me catch you up.
Ol’ girl Kaitlyn has 25 of the most unfunny dudes in America vying for her love. She already banged the less attractive Justin Timberlake on episode 3…
… and told the less attractive Ryan Gosling slash emotional fitness trainer he won on episode 1 off camera.
Chris, the dentist with a huge fake cupcake candy corn machine/car, almost damn near jumped off a cliff in Ireland when she told him he lost.
Then wailed into his hands like I did at my dad’s funeral. That sucked.
The token black guy got kicked off, but proclaimed he is the next Bachelor even though he has two bald spots and is terrible.
There are a few other dudes left gaining Twitter followers and hoping for victory, plus me on my couch eating a Bubba Burger I cooked on a shitty George Foreman Grill garnished with mustard and a solo cup of expired milk. Monday is my new Saturday.
[no pic available thank God]
Now, every once in a while somebody (read: my mom and married friends) suggest I try out for the show. I tell them they should try out for the Olympics.
(Side note: ABC, FOR THE LOVE OF LOVE, PLEASE CREATE “THE GAY BACHELOR” BEFORE THE SOUTHERN BAPTISTS REVERSE THE MARRIAGE DEAL (and put that dumb flag back up). Can you imagine 25 gay dudes and 85 tons of luggage in an LA mansion with tasteless tapestries all forced to sleep in bunk beds? PURE. TV. GOLD. Hehe. LOLZ. Sigh…)
I bet Chris Harrison is straight.
There are a litany of reasons I should not be on the show. A real litany. You know what a litany is? I don’t. The Litany Lions probably know. I am stupid. Solo cup of milk.
Here are the top 10 reasons I would lose on this show:
10) I’m too fucking old. I’m as old as the bachelorette’s father. Home visits would be a real treat. Me and the dad could talk about prostate glands and WTF I am doing in his house.
9) I would take a cat with me. If that was not allowed because the producers are assholes, I would take a parakeet. The Parakeet Guy. I guarantee I would make it at least 4 weeks as The Parakeet Guy. Maybe 3 weeks.
8) I would always stare directly into the camera and fist bump everybody.
7) I would only drink frozen mudslides and eat peanut butter straight from the jar on dates.
6) I would always wear the same exact outfit as Chris Harrison. Period. Unless I was at the pool where it would be multi-colored Umbros and a Billabong dryfit bodysurfing shirt.
5) Every time the Bachelorette would go to kiss me, I’d whip out a dental dam (ie. mouth condom) because I know she has kissed other guys and I don’t know their health history and 3 seconds of fame isn’t worth mouth herpes.
4) There’s no Netflix so I wouldn’t last more than 24 hours anyway.
3) When the other guys work out, I would crush Adderall and clean the house, yard, driveway, roof, pool, garden, garage, neighbor’s house and the rest of LA while listening to 90s techno and chewing a truckload of Stride gum.
2) My dates would only be at buffets. Tell me right now you don’t want to see a fantasy date at the Golden Corral and I’ll tell you you’re a goddamn liar.
1) Roses give me hives.
Back to Tinder.
All my love,
PS, ever heard of Instagram? @furbustrey
PPS, it took me 18 tries to figure out how to spell bachelorette.
Originally published on asocialmess.com.