Oh, social media. You have changed the world for so much better and so much worse. You give us laughs, you give us tears. You bring awareness to people in need but turn murderers into celebrities. You give us brilliant pieces of literature but also comment sections that make us lose all faith in humanity. You keep
food wine on my table and keep me #TooBlessedToBeStressed, but also give me the urge to delete all my social media accounts and move to a remote island where no one has heard of hashtags or the Kardashians. But I just can’t quit you, Facebook/Twitter/Instagram/Snapchat/Friendster. However, I do wish some people would quit you. Here are 10 people that need to #DoLess on social media. So. Much. Less.
10. The Self-Important Friend Cleanser
“I just cleaned up my friend list so if you’re seeing this, you should feel lucky you made the cut!”
OMG THANK YOU! I don’t know how I could live without seeing your status updates about your first world problems EVERY DAMN DAY.
Newsflash: NO ONE CARES. Friend cleanse all you want, but refrain from reminding people they’re lucky to be Internet pals with you. You’re not that important, I promise.
9. The “Stop Using Slang” PSA Person
“OMG, if you say the word bae, please unfriend me.” “WTF is ‘fleek’ and how do we stop it!?”
Or this HILARIOUSLY clever meme.
Can you please explain to me why are you so offended by a simple, non-derogatory word someone has chosen to use? I mean, “LOL” was over five years ago but I’m not posting an aggressive Facebook PSA about it (no offense, Mom). You’re probably the same out-of-touch person who maniacally posted “OMFG stop using hashtags, people!! They are SOOOO annoying and serve no purpose!” two years ago. Now that’s funny, LOL. And lastly, not sure if you know how languages work, but many words that are in the dictionary and widely used every day (even by you!) began as slang–dude, babe, chilling, hang out, crush, AWESOME, etc. etc. etc. So stop crucifying people for using words you don’t understand and focus on something more important……like crucifying people for grammar.
Which brings me to….
8. The Uneducated Commenter
“Your wrong if u think we need gun control in this country!!!” “Kim Davis was justified in depriving people of they’re marriage licenses!!!” Sigh. It always seems to be the homophobes, racists, gun enthusiasts, raging redneck Republicans who don’t know the difference between their and they’re, your and you’re, and their heads from their assholes. If you’re going to spew a bunch of bigoted bullshit, at least use spellcheck. Actually no, keep doing what you’re doing; I love calling your dumb asses out.
7. The Detached-from-Reality Person and/or Black Soul
You share every single mundane detail of your day and every single result of every single Buzzfeed quiz you take, but have never expressed an emotion over a national/international tragedy. Ok fine, you want to keep your personal social media
shallow light and non-controversial, but two reporters were shot in cold blood doing their jobs and your follow-up tweet was about your #OOTD. A bunch of children got shot at their school and you wasted no time posting the latest literary masterpiece you found: Are you just that disconnected from the world or you literally don’t care about anything of importance? Either way, you’re the worst.
6. The Cyber Bully/Celebrity Troller
Trolls, emerge from your computer cave and listen for a second. The fact that you take time out of your day to let the Kardashian/Jenner sister of your choice know how ugly/fat/fake you think she is ON HER PERSONAL INSTAGRAM ACCOUNT is beyond pathetic and you are a waste of space on this Earth. Stop being a jealous hater, understand these are real people you’re cyber bullying (but also, they don’t give a fuck what you think and will probably never read it), and get a hobby.
(That’s on a Kim K pic btw.)
Also, celebrity superfans are harmless for the most part, but please don’t be that person who comments “first” on Beyonce’s Instagram. And half the time, your “first” is the 6th comment down because someone beat you to it before your 3G phone could complete the post and that’s just embarrassing.
5. The Joke Thief
You see something funny on one of your social outlets and think “I want to repost that!” And hey, that’s great! Way to make the world a happier place! But did you ever think someone spent time coming up with that meme/joke and it would be nice to credit them? Oh, you DID think of that but you just don’t give a shit and/or want to make it seem like you came up with it yourself? Ok well go join the Fat Jewish’s degenerate intern army who work in the back on a nail salon or hang out with Fuck Jerry and his cunty wife Beige Cardigan and continue being terrible. On the other hand, if the thought of giving credit where it’s due just never crossed your mind, maybe you should consider this concept, and also thank your parents for their expert job in raising you to be a decent human.
4. The Stripper Masked as a Fitness Model
Oh you’re a fitness model? You’re an “inspiration”? I’m sorry but nothing about your blatant protein powder advertisement or straight-up pic of your butthole is making me want to go to the gym. Bye.
3. The Clickbait Sharer
If you ever get the urge to hit that share button on any article ending with “and you’ll never believe what happens next!”, please abort mission and go back to stalking your ex.
There’s a word for this and it’s “clickbait.” This means that you were baited into clicking on it by the Internet demons. That means you’re a little bit dumb. Do you want people to think you’re dumb? I didn’t think so. However, if that is your goal, please refer to #8, but stop clogging our newsfeed with “A koala spooned a Corgi puppy in a hammock and you’ll never believe what happens next!!” (Shit I would totally click on that, though.)
2. The Angry Unfollower
I run two popular Instagrams (@BrosBeingBasic and @FashionDads), so I see this a lot. Casual #Humblebrag #nbd. You are either offended by something (because you’re literally offended by everything all the time) or the post wasn’t funny/sexy/inspirational/mass appealing/low-brow enough for your narrow mind, so you take the time to comment “I’m unfollowing!” on said account. Hey, NO ONE CARES. I don’t give a shit if you unfollow me and neither does anyone else in this world who runs a popular Instagram account, celebs included. Just go.
1. The Suicide Selfie-er
Dying for a selfie? Yes friends, this just keeps happening. Gun selfies, bridge selfies, bear selfies, hanging-off-a-cliff selfies–people just keep risking (AND LOSING) their lives for that perfect pic to hashtag #Thankful, #LikeABoss, or #LivingTheDream on social media. And of course, it’s always sad when innocent people die, but my sympathy levels are on the lower end for these extreme narcissists/idiots.
Bottom line, no matter what you choose to do or not do on social media, please always remember to selfie responsibly.