I grew up going to New York City on the reg, visit once or twice a year now, and was just there last weekend for a wedding. You’re probably thinking, “Ohmygod, don’t you totally LOVE NYC? Isn’t is the best city in the world?!”
Don’t get me wrong. Sometimes I REALLY do love it. But sometimes I f*cking hate it. And I know (almost) everyone who lives there or has ever visited feels the same way, but they’re scared to say it because we’re all supposed to loooooove The Big Apple.
Let’s get real, people.
1. You can’t just get in your car and drive somewhere. Like the grocery store. Or your ex’s house at 3 a.m.
You don’t have to worry about DUIs, annoying car insurance payments (no offense, Flo), paying for parking and the inevitable tickets (Park Atlanta, go f*ck yourself) or behind-the-wheel road rage (which is way more intense than backseat-of-a-cab road rage).
2. You will be pressed up against strangers in a germ-filled subway car and sometimes they will smell bad and/or talk to you (or themselves) with halitosis breath and you will want to kill yourself.
Then it’s suddenly your stop and you’re like, “Damn, I’m here already?” And you’re OUT.
3. Drinks are more expensive (this one hurts).
There are more hot, successful dudes in power suits to buy them for you. $18 cocktail? Psssh, that’s pocket change for those fellas who were just yelling at the NYSE for eight hours straight (who exactly ARE they yelling at, btw?)
4. There’s SO. MUCH. WALKING. and your feet are KILLING you even in your “comfortable” shoes. Waaaah!
You’re burning about 9038402983423 times more calories than you usually do in your lazy ass driving city (ahem, Atlanta) and getting skinnier.
5. You’re probably going to stay with or visit a friend who lives on a 5th floor walkup (seriously….WHERE are the elevators?) and you may have to carry a suitcase and/or wine bottles and/or something of weight up these five flights whilst wearing heels and want to die (and slap your friend when you get to the top).
Again, you’re getting skinnier. Plus a glute workout. So you can drink more wine.
6. You’re peacefully walking along when you get a hot gust of air to the face that smells like sewage mixed with wet dog. Then it happens again five blocks later. And five blocks after that.
You can run for cover in the best H&Ms ever…or Barney’s…or an incredible Anthropologie….or an Apple store with all the newest, best shit…or some badass little vintage boutique…or any other possible retailer you can imagine that will be better than any other city because it’s the BEST. SHOPPING. ON. THE. PLANET. (And the stench won’t follow you indoors.)
7. Restaurants are more expensive.
Plus, you can get ANY food from pretty much ANY place delivered to your door at ANY time from the touch of your phone. Calling for Domino’s? Pssh, that’s so 2007.
8. Everyone is always in a hurry (you Southern-bred folk just can’t seem to understand this one).
There will come a time (or many) when YOU’RE in a hurry and you’ll be glad people have their asses in gear so you don’t have to FREAK THE F*CK OUT.
9. You party way too hard and spend all your money because bars stay open so late, and then you get late-night pizza and don’t end up getting in until 6 a.m. and it takes you days to recover because you’re not 22 anymore.
You get to take #NYCsunrise pictures like this and put them on Instagram/Facebook and everyone will like them and think you’re cool. #LikeABoss
10. If you
shack out sleep elsewhere, you’ll have to do a walk-of-shame, cab-of-shame, or train-of-shame.
No one will even bat an eye because 90% of people in New York City dress in way weirder shit than your last night’s outfit.
It’s a holiday weekend, so you know what that means: People are taking vacations and stopping at nothing to make sure you know what an amazing time they’re having via Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, and Friendster.
I’ll admit–I’m a culprit of posting enviable pics, but I try not to be a douche about it. Here are five ways you can share your updates with dignity (and maybe even some humor). And if these don’t apply to you, maybe you want to casually forward to that obnoxious co-worker…
2. You WANT to post:
First of all, checking in the *Delta Sky Club is douche-tastic as it is. We get it–you’re a baller (or think you are). Second of all, if you must let everyone know you’re at the airport, find a checkin with some humor like this ATL gem:
3. You WANT to post:
Something to let the world know how AMAZING your life is and end it with #Blessed, #Gratitude, #LifeIsGood, #LivingTheDream, etc.
If you must #hashtag about how happy you are on vacay (I know I will), try sarcasm with a #ThisPlaceSucks above a gorgeous picture (much more effective) or be open and honest with something like #DonJulioIsMySoulmate.
4. You WANT to post:
“Got my toes in the water, ass in the sand.”
LAME. And like, get a beach chair.
Try something cooler and more classic like ”Wasting away again in Margaritaville,” or do it in jest with “I don’t know about you, but I’m feeling 22.”
OR you want to post:
“I’m on a boat!” and a mention of your “flippy-floppies.”
That’s so 2000-and-late.
Go more obscure with “Boats and hoes.” Extra points if you mention the Catalina Wine Mixer.
And one more for good measure….
Have a great Memorial Day weekend, everyone! I’m off to Miami (#PartyInTheCityWhereTheHeatIsOn) and will try to keep my “OMG, ahhhh-mazing” updates to a minimum. Feel free to follow me on Instagram and call me out if you see otherwise. And if you see any extra douchey posts, send ‘em my way.
*Ok, so maybe I’m just jealous I can’t get in the Sky Club.
Hallelujah, the BEYOND-HIGHLY-ANTICIPATED Great Gatsby comes out today and it just might be the must-see movie of the year for a number of reasons, five of them being…
1. The fashion. I die. You die. We all die and want to time travel back to the Roaring Twenties and wear those amazing outfits, jewelry, and head pieces. The fashion in this movie just makes everything we wear look freaking stupid. I hate my clothes now.
Courtesy of WhoWhatWear:
2. Leo. Duh. I’m not a hardcore Leo obsessor, but I do think he’s hot and I ALSO think this is the hottest we will ever see him. The whole mysterious, intelligent, powerful, party-throwing guy is just beyond sexy. And from the previews, I think we’re going to get a soaking-wet-makeout-scene a la The Notebook…
3. The rap album. Er, I mean soundtrack. I kid; it does have some rap jams on it (hello, Jay Z), but it’s a killer mix of badass tunes. I especially love Lana Del Rey’s “Young and Beautiful” (listen on Spotify here), Emeli Sande covering “Crazy In Love,” and Jack White’s ”Love is Blindness.” You can find it on iTunes; not on Spotify….yet.
4. The parties. I’ve never been to a bash like the ones in this movie and neither have you because like, they don’t exist (if they ever really did). But at the very least, seeing this movie will get you in the spirit to go out and enjoy a cocktail (or seven) and party like it’s 1922 (except boozing will be legal).
And the last but certainly not least reason to see The Great Gatsby movie is….
5. You actually read the book!
If you haven’t, that’s just embarrassing. I wouldn’t admit that to anyone. And you should also question your so-called “education.”
Now get ye to the theater and feel free to sneak in booze, Prohibition-style. It’s totally allowed for this flick…
I don’t think you guys fully understand my obsession with Mexican culture, mainly the food, the drinks, and the accessories.
Which is why I think Cinco de Mayo is the best holiday ever, better than St. Patrick’s Day, Flag Day, Arbor Day, and even……..Christmas. Oh, I said it. Here’s why.
1. The headwear. Stupid Santa hat or sexy sombrero? NO. CONTEST.
2. The drinks. Eggnog tummy-ache vs. tequila buzz. Come on now…
3. The food. Turkey and ham on Christmas night? Psh. How about put that turkey in a burrito or quesadilla with some beans and rice, slather it in cheese, salsa, and sour cream, and serve it with a side of chips and guac, OMFG, I want that now.
4. The music. Out-of-tune carolers singing the same old, tired tunes you’ve been hearing since YOU WERE BORN or a mariachi band taking requests? You be the judge (and meet my future husband).
5. Makeout method. Awkwardly stand under a sprig of mistletoe or get right in there with a tequila shot? DUH.
*Disclaimer: I do love Christmas and I get to be with my family and wake up the morning after with new presents to play with instead of a raging hangover. But I’d still take margs and guac over eggnog and turkey any damn day of the year.