Ladies, if you’re out there purchasing undergarments at Victoria’s Secret, Intimacy, Target (don’t knock the neon, $8 selections), or the Maidenform outlet, know this: you’re selling your girls short. Your brassiere could be pulling double duty as a flask, handbag, or even a nightlight! Without further adieu…
The Wine Rack
Holds up to 750 mL/25 oz. of booze in your bra (which is 1 ENTIRE bottle of wine, 2 standard beers, or 15+ shots of liquor) while increasing your cup size (well, until you drink it dry), and has a handy drinking tube with easy on/off valve. Also: the best name ever.
1. I am 100% certain that my college bestie, Alex, and I came up with this exact concept during junior year, and discussed how to patent, make, and market it over 2 liters of red wine and 17 SoCo and lime shots. We just don’t remember.
2. Think of all the times you approached a dude with some lame variation of “Hey, do I know you?” or just backed your ass up into him until he noticed, when all you had to do was walk up and offer him a sip of Beam from your boobs.
3. My old standby for sneaking liquor into concerts/sporting events/what-have-you was a flask or mini bottles at the bottom of my purse covered by a layer of tampons. Female security guards sympathized for my “heavy flow” and didn’t search any further; males got flustered at the first sign of a period and didn’t ask questions. But if only I would have had this…
Holds your phone, credit cards, and spare key in a sheer side pocket. Also can hold an iPod, in case you prefer working out in a lacy, leopard print bra. May or may not give you armpit cancer.
1. After a few cocktails, I would absolutely forget that my mobile was in my bra and think I lost it. I know this because it happened a few weeks ago when I plugged my iPhone in to charge behind the bar. As in, I was running around the bar frantic until a friend approached me with my phone and a “You’re a complete idiot” look.
2. I feel naked without some sort of purse/clutch/wristlet/whatever. Which makes me nervous that I would actually get naked.
3. The bra is named after a baby kangaroo (because of the pouch–get it?), not that random you hooked up with at your cousin’s wedding. Although I’m sure he wouldn’t mind if you named your bra after him, too.
La Vie en Rose Glow in the Dark Bra
It glows in the dark. Enough said.
1. The last thing I want when I’m standing in front of a guy in a dark or semi-dark room is to be lit up like National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation. (I mean, unless it’s the holiday season.)
2. If you’re buying this bra because your guy can’t find your lady parts in the dark, it’s time to find another guy.
3. Do you have to expose it to light while you’re getting ready to “charge it up” so it glows later? Between my wine drinking, red lipstick applying, and blowdrying my hair then standing under an air conditioning vent to cool down before I put my jeans on, I just don’t know if I have time for that.
As you can tell, I’m torn on these dual-purpose unmentionables, but still, the fact remains clear: Your bras may be supporting your bosom, but they’re just not pulling their weight. It may be time for an undergarment that gives you a few more perks.
Now if only someone would create a bra that turned into a tall, dark, and handsome man with a Ducati and passion for Mexican food…