single zack

As you may know, I just turned 30, I am unmarried, and couldn’t be happier with my place in life right now. My career is on the rise (as totally douche-tastic as that sounds), I’m in better shape than I was at 25 (Praise Jesus for Flywheel), I can still hold my liquor (#blessed), and I’m just excited about what the future holds (and I don’t mean in terms of marriage and babies). It feels good, ladies and gents. IT. FEELS. GOOD. But there ARE some things you suddenly seem to do and think about when you enter in your third decade…

1. At the beach/pool, you slather your body in SPF 30, coat your face with SPF 700, AND wear a hat (as if you’ll be able to reverse the damage you did in your 20s). And when your 28-year-old friend pulls out something ridiculous like SPF 8 tanning oil, you judge her SO. HARD.
tanning bed lad

You notice new fat/cellulite that may or may not be there. When the hell did your arm start jiggling like that? And is that a saddlebag? You DEFINITELY didn’t have that when you were 29 and a half!

Obviously most of your friends are married (especially if you live in the South). But now their LITTLE sisters and brothers are getting engaged. And you’re all, “Wait, I remember when they were like, in middle school.”

You wake up one morning in the apartment you have lived contently in for the past three years and think, F*CK THIS PLACE. You’re an ADULT now. You should have way more square footage, 12-foot ceilings (AT LEAST), marble countertops everywhere, brand-new stainless steel appliances, high-efficiency washer/dryer, garden tub and separate shower with multiple showerheads, etc. etc. etc. Then you start a crazed, neurotic search for the PERFECT home.

*PS, this is actually happening, so if you know of a place…

 You think back to when you were 23 and just KNEW you would be super rich and running shit #LikeABoss by the time you were 30.

You look at your bank account.

And pour yourself a glass bottle of wine.
wine 1

You Instagram a pic of your 21st b-day for #TBT.
Scan 132000001-1Realize that was NINE years ago. Sip chug said wine.

You look at an outfit like this and think, “Wait, is that age appropriate? And am I even still allowed to shop at Forever 21?”

outfit 2
Then you look at Madonna and realize you’re fine…for at least another decade (or three).

When your long-time, on-again/off-again ex doesn’t text you something sentimental for your birthday for the first time EVER, you think, “That’s ok. I don’t selfishly need him to be in love with me anymore. I’m mature now.”

(And that loser doesn’t use Emoji anyway.)

photo (2)

9. Your dog (read: life partner) gets a fluke infection/injury and you want to stab yourself when you get the $300 vet bill. But then you think, if this was my CHILD who I had to rush to the ER to get three stitches for falling off his bike, it would cost more than my rent.

Then you pop a Plan B…just in case.

You party SO HARD for your 30th birthday week/month and smugly think you’re the same rockstar you’ve always been. But four days later when you’re still not fully recovered, you realize you might not actually be a rockstar anymore. You’re more like a backup singer….for the opening act.
feel like shit

And then you polish off that bottle of wine anyway.

Cheers to all my fellow 30-somethings! I hear these years are the best…


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Join the conversation! 5 Comments

  1. Number five. So my life. Where did I go wrong?

  2. ahhhh #5….could not be more true! hahaha

  3. This is awesome! This post made me laugh so hard! at 25 I have a much more realist view to look forward too! Thanks for the “heads up!”

    Happy Birthday!

    – Lauren/PRBlonde

  4. WORD. Welcome to your 30’s sister! Its not so bad. Until you see your first grey hair. That’s when the shit really hits the fan.
    The Pumpkin Spot

  5. Eek, I’m still at 29 and a half. Guess I’d better enjoy this ass while I still have it…for six months (!)


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