Holy Moses, it’s (almost) Halloween! Nerds, geeks, dweebs, dorks, and smoking hot chicks UNITE! It is our time! Grab your Star Trek pajamas and let’s rage. Dudes with awesome muscles and great hair: Stay home or wear a snowsuit. Although we know you’ll just wear the same costume you wear every year (Trojan warrior, no shirt). Now as you may know (or as the Amish may not know), Halloween was designed for hooking up. This constitutes anything from getting a phone number and sending a d*ck pic to perhaps full blown intercourse if you are a heathen sinner full of lust and aching loins (like Ashley). Side note: She has hooked up with a guy every single Halloween since I met her LIKE A BOSS. Maybe one day she will do a “Top 10 Walks of Shame” for you fine folks because she has plenty, and they are nothing short of Disney World fireworks-laser Show spectacular. I digress.
This is a holiday where you can rely on your costume to draw attention instead of your boring personality and average looks. (Or is that just me?) Anyway, please don’t blow it. I have some advice for the ladies (and fellas) if you are looking to score this weekend or on the 31st. The key to landing a French kiss or antibiotic prescription on Halloween is your costume. I have been wearing costumes since the womb (and even got paid to do it), so I am an official expert.
Here are my top 10 tips for folks looking to score at Halloween parties:
10. Wear a mask if you are ugly as piss. This is a no-brainer. Never cover your face if you have any decent features or can do magic tricks with makeup. If you’re a chick with a hot body and a ham of a face, wear a mask and show off your physique. Dudes will fall in love with your ass and be too drunk to focus on your face once the mask comes off back at your apartment, condo, or doublewide. Fellas, wear a mask if you have meth mouth, British teeth, mange, face tattoos, braces and/or headgear, or look like me. However, try and pick the least rapey mask possible.
9. Funny costumes are better conversation starters than sexy costumes. If you’re a hot chick and wear the typical slutty costume, you are intimidating to guys. If you wear a funny costume, a dude will have an easier time flirting with you. Exhibit A: Hot chick in sexy costume; dude says “Wow, you are hot” and chick thinks he is a douchebag just trying to crush them panties (whatever that means). Exhibit B: Hot chick in funny costume; dude says “Wow, that is hilarious!” and he’s not such a douchebag and you can crush his panties.
And if you INSIST on being almost naked, there’s a way to do it with some sense of humor.
8. Ladies and gents, don’t wear something that is hot as balls or won’t fit through doors (or in a taxi). These costumes are annoying and your hookup prospect will need a tool box to get you undressed. Sure you might win the $87 costume contest by building the most elaborate penis or vagina on Earth…
7. Don’t wear face paint if you plan on making out. I made this mistake one year dressed like a Oompa Loompa with orange face paint. I found a gal who was too drunk to realize I was unattractive and graciously made out with me in a closet. We both emerged from said closet with orange faces and her Trojan Warrior body builder costumed boyfriend almost changed Oompa Loompa to Hospital Patient.
6. Wear a fanny pack. Most costumes lack decent pockets for wallets, keys, phones, LSD, spermicide, rubbers, Xanax, gerbils, etc. The fanny pack solves this problem and makes you looks badass (duh). And girls, then you won’t lose your phone and cry about it all night in the corner, thus not attracting any dudes to you. You can wear it under the costume or over the costume. I never leave home without one when wearing a costume or going on a Tinder date to Olive Garden.
5. Group costumes are not good for flirting. When chicks lock up in a pack it is almost impossible to get a conversation going with one of them. Then, if you get separated from the group and your costume makes no sense without your clique, you’ve lost everything and may as well go home and cry into your Easy Mac.
4. Wear stuff that lights up. Most parties are dark, and blinking lights are like a magnet for dudes with ADD. (Note: Every dude has ADD.) I am not saying buy out Wal-Mart’s holiday light section and wear a 30-pound battery pack all night long, but a little flash is good.
You could be a stop light and flash green for hot dudes and red for losers. Great idea, Tom! Thanks.
3. Goth and bloody costumes are stupid.
2. Don’t get so wasted you drool down the front of your costume or end up on thechive.com. Also, don’t be sexy Duck Dynasty, Breaking Bad, or Miley Cyrus like everyone else this year. Please.
Unless you’re this pug:
And the number one tip for hooking up on Halloween is…
1. Always have a funny or unique prop with you. I am not talking about a sword with your knight costume; I am talking about a can of SpaghettiOs for no reason. You pull out a can of SpaghettiOs and show a random dude or chick at a party, it will start a conversation, guaranteed. Also, try to think of a prop people would want to take pictures with (giant box of white zin, midget, Tom Selleck blowup doll, inflatable monkey, etc.).
Even a pre-puberty teenager costume with a French horn will do ya’ just fine (just don’t forget the black jeans).
Other prop ideas include: Condoms (the female ones), Breathalyzer (always gold), squirt gun with booze in it, fake bird, real bird, stickers, live alligator (huh?), sex toys, treadmill, or gently used hypodermic needles. Get creative and have something interesting, funny and unique to get your game going.
Good luck to all you lovers out there. If, for some reason, the stars align this Saturday night at BOOnanza (our doozy of a Halloween party)* and I actually talk to a girl, my next article will be a 75-page love story about me losing my virginity. Also, if you need some costume ideas, go to my Facebook where I have 3,000 pics and none of them in normal clothing.
All my love,
*If you want to attend Atlanta’s most ridiculous rager of a Halloween bash and see what Costume Tom and Ashley dress up as, buy tickets HERE and use promo code “Hess” for a discount.
*Top group photo by Anderson Smith