New Year’s resolutions. What a disaster. Now I know some of you losers fine folks actually love New Year’s resolutions and some of you loathe them, but let’s all agree they NEVER WORK. Show me the bastard who sets decent resolutions and keeps them a full year. It has never happened in the history of humans. UNTIL NOW. Maybe.

First and foremost, there is one word that singlehandedly ruins resolutions. If you use it, you will fail. I’ll reveal this word shortly, but first, I will present ten resolutions you can do to improve your life VASTLY. As if that is even a word. Vastly. WTF?

10. Quit something for one month. One of the stupid problems with resolutions is they technically must last for one year. LIKE HELL. Won’t happen. Unless you are a monk. I think monks do things for one year. Huh? So all you have to do is quit something for ONE MONTH. I suggest smoking, Bagel Bites, Facebook, shopping at Marshall’s, porn, spray tanning, TV on Mondays and Tuesdays, selfies, weed, Waffle House, or talking negative about other people. I also suggest you do it in February because it has the fewest days (28). I am literally a math genius. Anybody can give up something for one month. It is a good challenge, will give you confidence, and might start a new habit (or break an old one). PS, that 21-days-to-start-a-habit thing is complete bullshit. I made my bed every day for a whole year in 2009 and haven’t made it since.

9. Don’t eat potatoes for two months. I dare you to try and not eat potatoes for two months. If you accomplish this, you will lose weight. The carb thing confuses the piss out of me and we all know about sugar and whatever, but if you simply give up potatoes, you will see results. This eliminates French fries, potato chips (DUH), hash browns, and a harem of other fried potato disasters. Do it, you lard ass. Oh and while you’re at it, give up mayonnaise. It is useless.


8.  Learn something. “If you aren’t growing, you are dying,” said some self-help guru with amazing hair. However, it is true (and I don’t have great hair). My suggestion is to sign up for a weekend seminar on ANYTHING over the next 12 months. Just do it. You will learn something (unless you are really dumb) and make new friends, which leads me to number 8…

7. Stop hanging out with douchebags. The same yahoo self-help hair guy probably said “You are who you hang out with,” or something magical along those lines. Point being, if you hang out with deadbeat meth-heads who wear baggy jeans and have face sores, then you are probably a deadbeat meth-head wearing bagging jeans with face sores. If you hang out with rich assholes who wear Ralph Lauren socks and drive Porches, then you are probably rich. If you are not where (or who) you want to be in life, find some people who are and hang out with them. It will change your life and your socks.

6. Get a divorce. Hey. You know you’re miserable, and it is way more fun not being married than being married to an a-hole you have hated since the second year of marriage. Get a divorce, move to a busy city, and try alcohol. You can thank me later.

5. Send a holiday card to 40 people NOT DURING CHRISTMAS HOLIDAYS. People love getting holiday cards (ish). They get a ton around Christmas and then they run out of space to display them and throw them all away on January 3. You will send yours on a different random holiday. It will blow everyone’s minds or confirm you are mental (probably both). I suggest Cinco de Mayo, Presidents Day, Flag Day, 4th of July, or just do a Christmas card in August.  Hell, make up a holiday and write “Happy Whatever Holiday from (insert your dumb name here)”. Go to and choose the cheapest fanciest design.
xmas card 2

4. Keep dental floss sticks in your car. You know those fancy plastic contraptions with the built-in floss? Of course you do. You could use one right now. Spend the $1.23 for a boatload of them and keep them in arms reach of your drivers seat. You can whip one out whilst driving, which A) Gets all that nasty shit out of your teeth regularly, and B) Gives you something positive to do instead of sexting and driving. It could save your life and prevent gum rot like your meth-head friends.

3. Don’t eat meat one day a week. Americans eat way too much meat. There is a reason we are the unhealthiest people on Earth, and part of that algebraic formula is because we think we need to eat meat with every meal. Horse shit. I am not saying become a vegan, stop shaving your bush, and never wear leather again; I’m just saying meat will kill you. Don’t believe me? Read the book The China Study. And by read, I mean skim that bitch because it is half a billion pages long. However, ol’ boy who wrote it PROVES that meat causes cancer. Ever wonder why those freaks in Asia are so damn healthy and never get cancer? They don’t eat MEAT. Plus the meat we eat is a disaster. I dare you to YouTube “Meet your Meat”. You will be a vegetarian for at least two months and/or just throw up on your computer.

2. Eat a banana every day. The oldest living man in the world claims to be alive and healthy because he eats a banana every day. I’m not suggesting anyone would ever WANT to live to 115. That’s like being 90 years old for 25 f*cking years. (MATH GENIUS). Plus, all your relatives and friends would be dead. I’ll pass. So maybe eat a banana five days a week. They also have a ton of potassium which battles hangovers, so you are going to need that when you get a divorce and start getting drunk every night. What? Also, bananas are helpful if you need to practice oral sex, which you can never be too good at. Here is proof.

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1. Write yourself a love letter once a month. And mail it. The one thing humans lack the most is self-love. If everyone loved and believed in themselves more, the world would be an euphoric den of bliss and joy. Therefore, I suggest you write yourself a love letter once a month. Then you should mail it to yourself, so you have to physically open it and read it again. If you don’t have enough money for postage, please refer to #8. Keep all the letters in a shoebox and read them every year. You girls will probably want to down a bottle of white zin whilst reading. And cry.

If you are looking for a few more ideas, get a swallow of these honorable mentions:

-Get day drunk once a month because there is no better joy than being inebriated during daylight hours. The bonus is you usually pass out by 10 p.m., which gives you a 64% chance of not being hungover the next day. I suggest Saturdays. I also suggest Vodka.

-Don’t drink Red Bull; that crack is straight poison.

-Cut your stupid toenails once a month, you sick freak.

-Sell something on Ebay. Anything. Just do it.

-Stop doing shots (good luck; it will never happen but you would feel amazing and remember the previous night).

-Never stay out anywhere past 1:30 a.m. Nothing positive will happen, I promise.

-Stop hooking up with your loser ex after 1:30 a.m.

-Quit texting nude pics.

Do a juice cleanse.

-Buy a new sex toy and use it, either with a partner or alone.

-Give a homeless person a sandwich.

-Hit on a stranger once a week.

Now, I’m sure you’re DYING TO KNOW what the magical word is that ruins all New Year’s resolutions. As I stated before, this single word guarantees failure when used in resolution making. And the word is: MORE. Yeah, more. More is the word. More. If you say you are going to do “more” of something such as exercise, read, masturbate, or snorkel, you will fail.  This is because you cannot measure more. More. What a stupid word. You need to replace the word MORE with exactly what you are going to do so you can either do it or not do it. For example, “I am going to eat more cheese.” Change that to: “I am going to eat seven pounds of cheese every Wednesday.” How about, “I’m going to give my douchebag boyfriend more hand jobs.” That should be: “I will give my douchebag boyfriend two hand jobs a week if he does the dishes instead of playing video games.”

That’s right, hand jobs are making a comeback this year.

Have a fantastic 2014, you heathens.

All my love,

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