Now, I don’t mean the best way to wake up as in a California king on a private island spooning with a hot dude and you remembered to take your makeup off the night before and you don’t even have morning breath and your hair is perfectly tousled from the silk pillowcases.

Because, duh.

I mean in terms of the actual method you use to awake after sleeping. Like, an alarm clock.

I know. The How Stella Got Her Groove Back fantasy was way better. BUT LISTEN! If you wake up in the best way possible, it can start your day on the right foot and keep you from having murderous thoughts the second you see your obnoxious co-worker with his tuna casserole leftovers. Barf.

Here are the top five ways:

1. With a good song. I recently started doing this and can’t believe I ever used to wake up with iPhone’s generic ringtones. EW! The only annoying thing is you must have the song on iTunes, which is so 2012 (well, except for Beyonce’s album). And the trick is picking a song that doesn’t start so intensely that it jolts you awake. But hey, if you want to rise and shine to Megadeth, go for it freak. I went with M83’s “Midnight City” for a while (super energizing), then Rihanna and Drake’s “Take Care” (soothing and sexy), and now I’m on Aloe Blacc’s “Wake Me Up” acoustic, which is a.m. perfection, and I plan on trying out some instrumental/piano tunes soon. PS, there is also the high-tech Sleep Cycle app, which is a “bio-alarm clock that analyzes your sleeps patterns and wakes you up when you are in your lightest sleep phase” (which means if you got blackout drunk and passed out, it may never go off).

A playlist for inspiration…

2. With another person. If you have a partner who doesn’t snore, doesn’t hog the bed, doesn’t have rancid morning breath, and wakes you up with gentle nudges/kisses/backrubs in the morning, you are living the fucking dream. THAT is the way to start the day (and sex, too, if you have time). However, waking up hungover with a random (who was a 9 the night before and is now pushing a 5.5) and you don’t have your car and your phone is dead is hell on earth. But I digress.

3. With your pet. I have an 80-pound shed-master for a dog and I prefer him to sleep on his bed instead of mine, but some mornings, I force call him up on the bed to cuddle before I get up, and I swear it makes my day happier. You cozy up and express your love for a pet first thing in the morning and it’s proven to get your oxytocin (read: love hormone) flowing and have long-lasting effects throughout the day. SCIENCE, people.
Screen Shot 2014-01-28 at 1.57.49 AM

4. With the smell of coffee. I do love my Keurig, but sometimes I just wish I could live that ’90s Folger’s commercial—waking up to the sound and smell of fresh coffee brewing (minus the husband and kids running around). I mean, how incredible does that sound, especially if a cup o’ joe is the only reason you get out of bed in the first place? If you have a Mr. Coffee with a timer, I hope you’re setting it so you can experience this morning fantasy I haven’t had in years (but am now considering making a Target run for). PS, I just gave my Keurig the finger.

5. With a selfie. JUST KIDDING. Because we know you girls who post “just woke up” selfies applied mascara and brushed your hair then got back into bed to do duck face. Douches.

The real #5…

5. With an orgasm. What? Yes. An alarm clock vibrator. A friend recently sent me this product with the note “figured this would be up your alley” (oh, thanks), and I was certainly intrigued. Apparently you just stick the Wake Up Vibe in your undies, set the alarm, and snooze away until you’re awakened with pleasure in your privates.
wake up vibe croppedI’ll be honest; I think I would wake up really fucking confused. An erotic dream is one thing, but waking up with nether region stimulation is quite another. If you’re dying to get off first thing in the morning, why wouldn’t you just keep your vibrator on your nightstand, and reach for it after you’ve awakened and had a second to put on YouPorn or scroll through some of your recent sexts? However, I can’t deny this fits into the “best wakeup call” category for some of you freaks sexual beings, so it made the top five.

And for the record, combining two (or five) of these methods will make for a really pleasant (or weird) morning.

Who’s excited to wake up tomorrow?


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